Mama and I loaded everything up into the car. It was Saturday. I don't know why I thought about that, but I did. My plan was to drive my mother to her house and then drive back up to my friends' house. There at R's house he and his wife had promised to take care of me and Allen with whatever I should possibly need. My friend H was also coming over. R and H are some of my oldest friends. They love Allen with all of their hearts. Lots of people do. When we first all "left" college and we still lived near, they came over once a week. When we moved away, they visited as often as they could. We even went through Y2K together (lol).
My husband was an only child. He never really and truly understood in his head that R, H, J, A were like siblings. Truly like siblings. He always felt like he cared about them more. It's just because he couldn't understand why they would care back.
I had to change the plan somewhat before taking mother home. I started watching the time. It was Saturday. At 2:36 just two Saturday's before it was the last time I spoke to him. I needed to be alone. I would be in the car for that time, but I needed Mom out. I didn't want her to be with me because I didn't know what I would do. If I was alone, I could pull over. I have no idea why I didn't want comfort. Or maybe I did.
There was really nothing she could do. No words she could say. It wasn't her arms I wanted to hold me. It's not something Mommy can make better. No one understands that.
I don't mind crying in front of people but I want to be held, by someone who loves me. In a non parental way. Someone who can just accept that this hurts, and hold me until I can stop the crying. Someone who thinks it's ok, and knows I will be ok. I didn't want my Mommy, and I know that it has hurt her over and over again, but she can't offer the comfort I wanted. She didn't know Allen the way I did. Nobody knew him as well as I did, and the more I learn the more I know I didn't know him as well as I thought.
I got my sisters to meet me at the exit near my Mom's and pick her up. That way I could have time to grieve in the car before I got to R's. I knew he wouldn't mind... that if I told him even maybe he could understand... but at least I could deal with it in my own way. Everyone was wanting to help, to keep me from being alone. I understand why. I know that no one wanted me to hurt alone... but dear God, sometimes you just want to be alone, to feel it and not worry about someone squabbling about how everything is going to be alright.
I know everything IS going to be alright, but for just a frigging minute or two, I wasnt it to be ok to not be alright. And to be sad and for people to understand that even if you love me, I'm still going to hurt a little, a lot... and I need it. I need the pain so I can remember how much it was... 15 years, YEARS... of trying to be the perfect wife for him. Not the perfect wife as on tv, but the perfect wife of someone with special needs. To be sad for all that I didn't do that I had in my life plan.
Because in the great scheme of things I had decided that the thing I wanted most out of life was to be the best wife Allen could ever hope for. That was what I wanted, at whatever cost. It was what I did.
And Mom got in the car with my sisters.
I got to be alone at 2:36.
I sobbed great big tears, great big blue tears as it turned out. I had put on makeup that morning so I didn't look so much like the Zombie I felt like. I went into R's house and straight down to the basement. They got me water, baked me possibly the best cookies in the world, and R and his wife took turns holding on to me while I cried some more. They listened, they talked, they cried. They let me play with their sweet boys when I wanted to and they left me alone, but were near enough if I called, they came. It was just what I needed at the time. I didn't lack for any creature comfort. They didn't fuss at me to do anything, they didn't try to tell me it was going to get better. They were just there for me.
And it was awesome.
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