I started this blog as part of my therapy. My therapist recommended that I spend specific time with my grief once or twice a week, and in doing that I learned that it was more than I could handle all at one time. I already had some blogging experience and decided that if I could at least start out with a post a day, then it would be something and maybe, just maybe it would be enough to help me.
I have been having trouble on certain days at work. This portion of the therapy was specifically discussed as a means for me to get through those days. It was suggested that I wasn't "dealing with" my grief in whatever way it needed to be dealt with, or as much as it needed to be acknowledged. (I wasn't trying to leave them out by any means, it just happened that way... I mean I feel like I have been sad and grieving so much, and I just want to move forward and be happy, but apparently that is not how grief works.)
So I blogged, and as of this past week, the normal day I would have had so much trouble just rolled right on past. It was two more days before I realized I should have had some sort of meltdown and didn't. I think that is AWESOME. But I was looking over this blog and realized there was at least one really important thing I forgot to mention:
I have a friend that I met through my late husband Allen, God rest his soul, and I'll call this friend M. M is or was an unhappily married man who Allen and I had gotten really close to. I of course always did the calling to make arrangements for our dinner meetings and if Allen was working or something then I went out with M alone. M is smart, and lovely and we all got along fabulously. M was supposed to be in Memphis on business before Christmas and had told me we could go out to dinner and just talk. M was really upset about Allen's death and wanted to console me.
I took it upon myself to decide that if I could seduce M, I'd feel better, that literally I could cleanse the memory of my dead spouse from my body. It needed to be held and touched. I wanted to forget that everything hurt and that I was alone. M was not being given affection at home and I wanted to both give and receive.
I went out and bought possibly the most beautiful dress I have ever put on. It made me look fit and accentuated every curve. I bought lovely velvet shoes to match and couldn't wait for M to get to Memphis.
M didn't make it. The business trip got cancelled. When I found out I begged M to let me drive over to where he lived so I could see him. He said no, that he was having marital difficulty and that I would just be too fishy to explain. Then I told him exactly what I had been planning. (at this point I'm really raw and hurting and feeling rejected on top of it all and at the same time ashamed because he is married even if it's not happy right now, I just wanted to be with someone SO BADLY... someone I trusted and respected and who I thought could just take me in their arms and make me feel special and good)
The fact that I didn't get to have this affair is probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. You see before this happened, I had a very poor way of using sex. I used sex to validate myself as a worthwhile person. Even in my marriage. Allen and I talked about it many times over the years. I equated being wanted physically with being worth wanting.
That just isn't true.
Sometimes they say, you have to hit rock bottom. I'm going to say that this night in December, whatever night it was... was my rock bottom.
The good news is I found out from my sweet therapist that THIS is totally normal. But most women actually find someone to sleep with. I however was really picky. For this time, it had to be M specificallly. I can't thank M enough for being good, moral and true to his spouse.
I haven't spoken to M since. I had told him that if he never wanted to speak to me again I'd understand why. I feel like the lowest of the low for what I did, but I can't take it back. I'm also glad I said it out loud so that I won't ever do it again to my friend. I still think of M all the time, I wonder how he is. I want him to know how sorry I am.
I hate I lost that friendship as well. I hope maybe one day he will understand.
Even Amazon's have growing pains.
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