Hindsight

Therapy and this blog are actually doing me a world of good. The blog has been amazing. It's like releasing those feelings in a way I never even considered before. You'd think having written on other blogs and infrequently in journals I would have thought of it before.

A close friend of mine lost his first relative that he was close to recently. MC lost his grandfather. It was not unexpected. He posted a comment on facebook about not being able to tolerate people. I called his wife to tell her that the sensitivity he was feeling was part of the grieving process. If I hadn't just gone through it myself I wouldn't have known that. I didn't know what was going on until my own sister pointed it out.  People were just hard to tolerate. Situations and things that shouldn't make me ill or sad were doing just that. Funny enough I don't really feel uber sensitive now, but I'm less tolerant to people's insensitiveness to others and not as willing to pity them for silly reasons as I would have before. It may sound selfish, but I have become more important to me.

It is weird to put yourself first, especially if you are not used to it. It's one of the reasons my neighbor and I had such a falling out. When Allen wasn't around and he wanted something from me, I would bump him up into that place of person who needed so I would provide (I mean after all he was gay, so not a threat to my marriage... and he was company and I hated being alone... and he was here).

I'm not afraid to be alone now. In fact, today I have chosen to spend the day by myself (well, mostly I had my run this morning with the ladies I run with). But I'm not panicked because I don't have plans for today. And it's a Saturday. Allen died on a Saturday. But that's ok too. :)

Funny thing, ok not very funny. I've been crying on and off ever since yesterday's post and thinking of my dear Kayla. I don't really know why. I don't know if it's because her death was just the last thing in stream of really bad things for me personally. I don't know if it's because I made the decision to end her life before her days of suffering. I know I have shed more tears over her than Allen and I often wonder if this makes me a bad person. He took his life. I had no choice in it, and I did watch him suffer.

I've done so much thinking since he died. Drawing conclusions. We went Mac a couple of years ago. We had been saving for a long time because our last two PC's died at inopportune times and because we were backup slackers we lost a lot of stuff we shouldn't have (but that was our own fault).

I honestly think the reason I have my own Macbook Pro is because he knew if I had something else I'd have to find someone to rely on for support with any issues I had with it. He was so excited that I got so much more savvy online and with the Mac than I had ever been with a PC. I think maybe it was because we started out on the same knowledge level with the Macs. They weren't something I felt I could easily break or destroy. I was the one who wanted an ipod first. I wanted the first ipod shuffle. It only had that one button and an on-off switch. It was tiny and I wanted a green one. I hadn't even told him the color I wanted and one day I came home to find just that... waiting on me. I bought him a much bigger one a week later. I don't even remember what it was called, but it was bigger than the shuffle and pre-touch days.

Our first smartphones were the iphone 4.
I hated mine for about a week before I figured out how she worked. I don't even know where my shuffle is. I haven't seen it in forever LOL.

These things I am also convinced came into our lives because he knew he was going to take his life sooner or later and he wanted me to have things I could use.

Our cars were both getting old a full of miles. I was getting scared that my car which was in the 180,000 plus miles was going to leave me stranded. So I got a brand new car last year. Neither of us had ever owned a new car before. Allen was completely against new cars. He thought they were a waste of money. I had always wanted a new car, but agreed that they depreciated so rapidly. But I'm not mechanical and neither was he. I did all the research on the car I really liked and if we bought new we got 0.9% financing. I called my accountant friend who said if I planned on keeping any new car I purchased as long as I kept my last car that the depreciation didn't matter, it would be a good investment. So as soon as Allen woke up I presented the car, my research and the fact that we only had a few hours before the special finance rate would go up (it was a sales weekend).

He said ok. He didn't even look at the car before we signed the papers. He kept asking me if I was happy with it, if I'd be happy with it for a long time.

He always told me I'd do better than he would the day Kayla died, but he said he wanted to be there, he just couldn't wait her out. I'm thinking she probably knew she needed to wait. Dogs sense things like that.

I already mentioned he told me every day that his being down wasn't my fault, that I had nothing to do with it. He had been telling me also for the last couple of years he didn't need me. That he would be fine without me, and that I'd be so much better off without him in my life. He knew I'd be ok. He knew I would go forth and make myself happy. He knew I'd find someone to love who would love me for me.

He wanted it that way.

He WAS so smart.