Christmas Sensitivity

Winter holidays are hard for the masses. Suicide rates soar around Christmastime.

It happens.

Thanksgiving had become my very favorite holiday over the years. I used to love Christmas more, but over the years the stress of buying and trying to spend an equal amount of time with both of our families took its toll. Eventually Allen found a job where he would work almost every Christmas. The retail environment he worked in for so long made him want to crush decorations and music so at our house, only occasional minimal stuff came out of hiding. Usually only if the godchildren were going to come over. My neighbor especially tried to get me to go crazy with Christmas decorations. He knew I loved the tradition and the lights. He thought it would make me happy to have a task, something slightly creative to work my brain just a little.

It all sounded so exhausting. I couldn't stand the thought of any of it. It was hard to see the stuff when I was out and about. People were so excited.

I've personally had a really hard time with the holidays for years. Two years ago Allen got to go to Alabama with me for Christmas. It was the first time in 8 years he'd had Christmas off work. It was really special. Just to have him with me to see the family.

This year I really wanted to skip it all.

Really.

I had a hard time getting people to understand that. It wasn't the presents, I wasn't used to family presents. Allen and I usually got one another something, but I was ok with not. I just didn't want to go be in the middle of everything and everyone. But I sucked it up, with the help of some Klonopin. I drove that horrible lonely drive to Alabama.

I went to Mom's for a couple of nights. Maybe one. I don't really remember except that before the family dinner was finished I wanted to crawl under a rock. I love my family so much, but there are so many of them, and it was so loud. I didn't know what to do, I wanted to scream at everyone, to tell them to pretend I wasn't there. I wanted to go into a room and be alone and shut the door, but I knew SOMEONE would feel OBLIGATED to check on me and I didn't really want to be RUDE or UGLY.

So I stuck it out. I ate I stayed in the room where the presents were opened, I watched the kids play and I tried so hard not to be short with people. My middle sister said she could tell how sensitive I was, and she wanted to help. There was nothing to be done, I had to get through Christmas Eve at Mom's and tomorrow was Christmas Day at Dad's. It was going to happen, good or bad... take it or leave it.

After the family left, I went and took the Klonopin hoping for the fuzzy brain and relaxation to come quickly. Then I was summoned to the livingroom to see what Santa brought. I went, he brought me some cute things... my favorite I think was the back scratcher :)

Also my sweet cats had bought me this lovely scarf, made of white lace. It's one of my favorite things now... they did good ;)

I made it in one piece by the power of Wonder Woman that I was becoming. I didn't leave in a huff or curse at anyone. I chatted with my online friends about how much it sucked to be around so much holiday joy and to feel worlds apart from it. They were awesomely supportive.

The next day however did not go as well.