I didn't even lay down to sleep until 3am on the 27th. I had gotten to walk back over to my home about 11 or midnight, I'm not even sure. I sent one set of friends home, the ones that lived the closest. I thanked them for coming and told them to go get rest. My besties came from hours away, and they I allowed to stay. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want company either. This was the best I could do. I felt so tired, so numb and hurt at the same time. I didn't know what I was going to do. I felt heartsick, alone, scared, sad. Did I say alone? I felt overwhelmed. The police had taken random things from my home. They didn't leave me a list of what they took. They took my personal laptop, notebooks, the hard drive, Allen's jacket, and what else I don't know. Some of it has finally been returned to me, some of it they have no record of taking, my laptop was the most important thing to me, it has the photos. They were backed up on the hard drive, so I do hate that it's gone... but oh well.
That is another story though. Today's is about how I was feeling. I had made so many phone calls the night before, all of them were hard and awkward. Allen's family was the worst. I knew people were going to be so upset and hurt, I was hurting and it was so fresh and he didn't have a good relationship with his parents. Not for a long, long time. I couldn't tell them everything they wanted to know. I couldn't tell them what they wanted to hear. No one could. They asked me to put someone else on the phone. They asked so many people what Allen and I were fighting about. We weren't fighting about anything.
I think that was too much for them at the time. I wanted to place blame as well, but couldn't. He was depressed. He had suffered from depression for as long as I knew him. He had tried to kill himself in college. Funny, he just recently found out that I was the one who called to have people take him to the hospital and have his stomach pumped. I always thought he knew... he didn't until we talked about it not too long before he died.
So much was spinning through my mind. I had upset my mother (possibly more of my family). She was upset because I demanded that she not come up to take care of me. I didn't know yet what to do, I was confused and overwhelmed. I had people watching me like I was a baby bird or something and might freeze to death if left to myself. I didn't need more people around me. I wasn't trying to hurt her, but there were so many things that I couldn't do by myself. Have a clear thought was one. My house was a wreck. It looked exactly like two depressed people had been living there for months. I didn't want my family to see it. I was ashamed. Ashamed I had let things get so bad. Ashamed that I couldn't make myself get up and do something. I did call the one friend I knew could make the mess look more presentable. She came right away. She threw stuff in boxes, I didn't have to lift a finger.
I couldn't, it was hard to move, the phone kept ringing and ringing. I was trying my best to offer comfort to family and friends. I know it wasn't my fault. There was no doubt in my mind. I didn't drive him to it. He had told me for years I was the only reason he was still alive. That I was the one good thing in his life. Then I would point out all of the other good things in his life. The people he loved and those that loved him. The ones he wouldn't let love him who wanted to.
I was numb and heartsick and in pain. I wanted some rules, I wanted a timeline. No one could tell me when the coroner would be finished with the body, I didn't know when I could make funeral arrangements. I didn't have any of the answers people wanted. I tried to let other people answer the phone but so many people wanted to hear my voice. I still wouldn't let my family come. I didn't understand how much I was hurting my mother, but I also couldn't explain to people how much I was hurting. People gave me medication to "help" me through the days... A friend gave me sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to sleep. But I was so tired. The days then started blurring together...
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