After the viewing

After I saw the body, I went home. I felt better than I had in a while. I had friends calling to check on me as soon as I turned the phone ringer on. I was with my mom, sisters and bestie. I was as ok as I could be. It seemed to take forever to get home. I know they made me eat that night. I started making arrangements for a service in earnest. I had decided on cremation because that was the last option we had discussed. I had told him I wanted to be cremated because it was the only way I knew to not be embalmed so my body would return to the earth like I feel it should. He said that was good with him because it was cheaper and  he didn't really like the idea of embalming (um, once I explained what happened).
He had left a note for me to donate his body to science. But I didn't feel like he really meant it. It wasn't anything we had ever discussed and it wasn't a decision I felt like I could live with. I needed some closure to what happened to his body. I needed to know where it was going when. I'm sharing this now so you can know, in case you have any doubts. I know I did the right thing. It was all I could do, so I did it.

Allen did not want a funeral. So we had a memorial service. I called our two oldest friends from college. I asked them each to pick something to read. One of my sisters had told me when she saw me that she had prayed all the way to my house to ask God why or for the words she was supposed to have (sorry, I don't remember exactly what happened, but I'm trying...) and she said the only thing that came to her was the end of the 23rd Psalm "...and  I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever...." This of course made me cry. I had lived my whole life believing that if you kill yourself, it's a ticket straight to hell. I lived believing that everyday except the day my own spouse took his life.

Perspective is a powerful thing.

Before I also would have denied being able to be a strong woman for myself. I would have told you I could do it for my spouse, my dog, my family or my friends, but never for me...