The Ash Transfer

My sweet cousin DRG had made all of the arragements for me with the funeral home, I just had to show up and ok them and sign all the papers. To get Allen into an urn for the service, I was going by the funeral home where DRG because he had told me he had an urn for me. I had also gotten a phone call the previous day from Allen's Aunt. She let me know that his grandmother was going to ask me for some of his ashes. I had decided to talk to DRG about it because really, I'd never known anyone who was cremated before and didn't know about sharing ashes or anything and... that's his line of work so I guessed he'd know all about it.

DRG was always my favorite cousin growing up. We are the same age and I'm still comfortable just talking about almost anything with him. He met me at my car and walked inside with me. He talked to make sure I was ok, I know he did. It was so sweet. He showed me the urn he had picked and wanted to make sure I liked it (I did) he showed me another... their most popular option and I HATED it. He asked if I wanted him to go to another room to transfer the ashes and I said no. I told him I worked at an animal hospital and was familiar with ashes, and well... I know it's not really my husband in the container, just his remains so I'm fine with being present. Then I told him about sharing the ashes and he went and got this tiny little urn that looked exactly like the big one. It was about the size of a salt shaker. And I said it was perfect. So he put ashes in both urns. There were still ashes left over in the shipping container. He also told me there was a metal plate in there with an id number on it that is required by law to be included for identification and he asked me if I wanted him to find it. I didn't.

I asked him not to seal the larger urn but he showed me how to do it when I was ready. I took my two urns and left to go to the service. Anyone would have gone with me for all that. Many had offered.

I don't really know why, but inside I knew I had to do it by myself. I needed to do it by myself, or just with Allen. I needed personal time. Time away from all those people who wanted to shield and protect me. I was being so specific with who I spent time with and when I needed time to myself. Only certain people would really listen. I know everyone means well. I was developing friendships with people I had never met in person. Those people were becoming lifelines because they would just listen. They had no words except they were sorry, but they had ears. And sometimes it was easier to talk when the people had no other perception of me than a voice, or of typed emails.

At least they didn't see the red blotchy face, or the snot sliding down from my nose. (ick)

I didn't cry on the drive to the park. I breathed deeply and tried to hold my head up, so Allen would be proud. It was taking every bit of strength I had to get myself there and through the day... I was sure of it.