On my way to the park I got a call from some out-of-town friends. They weren't exactly sure how long it was going to take them to get the rest of the way to the park where the memorial was being held, and I wasn't sure either. I can't remember when I'd been there last. They called and I told them where I'd meet them and that we could all drive to the park together. When I met them there were hugs all around. It was hard to believe that so many people were driving so far just to come to a service to say goodbye. Lots of these people barely knew Allen, I was so touched.
We got to the park, just in time. There were only a few minutes left before the memorial was supposed to start. Someone forgot the table they said they'd bring for the Urn and the picture that I brought... oh well, there were some chairs that had been set up so people could sit, we used one of those. Some people had brought flowers. Several actually. I had asked for no flowers... but there weren't many and they are important to some people. I do like flowers, I just didn't think he'd have wanted them. The flowers were placed all around the urn.
As I was walking over to where the actual service was to take place, people started hugging me and expressing their sympathies from all over. I was trying to be strong and smile and thank people. They didn't know what to say and I didn't know what to say back, so in that regard we were even. Allen's Aunt and Grandmother were two of the first people I spoke to. I let his Grandmother know that I had a separate urn of ashes just for her. She mentioned opening the urn so she could share the ashes with his mother and I told her not to, that I could give her ashes as well. Then as I made my way through all the people, I went to find his mother. I wanted to convey to her in some way, I had no idea how... that I did love her son with all of my heart, that I was sorry they had not had a close relationship for many years. I know she will never, ever believe how hard and long I worked to try and help him work on that relationship. Or all the fights we had because for years I wouldn't let it drop. I couldn't imagine my mother not speaking to me. The pain he suffered through because he felt unwanted, all the tears he shed. I'd do anything to erase that time for them both.
So I went up to her (his mother) and told her I was sorry, then because it felt like it was the only way to get one... I asked her for a hug. She gave me one. I wish I didn't have to ask. I wish she could have just given it. She lost her first husband many years ago to suicide as well. I was hoping she understood how I felt. Maybe that was asking too much.
R and H who were my speakers were of course late. It made me happy. They were always late :).It was a small piece of normal in the surrealest event in the world as far as I was concerned.
Then when Allen's mother saw Ray she went up to him as though he were her other son, (Allen was an only child) and grabbed him and hugged him like she would never let go.
It hurt beyond measure.
My own mother saw my face when his mother hugged R and tried to take me in her arms. I told her not to dare touch me because I couldn't fall apart right now. I'd do it later (really I would) but not now, not in front of her. I didn't want her to see exactly how much that hurt. Allen didn't want me to. And I didn't want to.
I hugged R, H and R's wife A.
Then I walked up in front of the Urn display, thanked everyone for coming and introduced H.
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