Moving on...

I didn't have a problem thinking of myself as single. I saw the dead body with my own eyes. I know he is gone. I didn't know when the right time was to take off my wedding ring. The ring I have worn for years was given to me by Allen's late Grandmother, God rest her soul. She gave it to me so very many years ago. She was the one person in his family that always accepted me for exactly what I was. She never tried to tell me when the time was to have children or to keep from having children. She always told us that she just wanted us to be happy. She always told me she appreciated that I was a "real" person who stood up for whatever I believed in no matter who was behind me. And she always told me it was great that I was ok being myself despite the pressures of my inlaws. She told me to stay exactly as I was no matter what! She also told Allen how much she always loved him, even though she never got to spend as much time with him as she wanted when he was little.

She didn't want anyone to be able to say anything about her giving me a piece of jewelry so she gave it to me one time when I went to spend the night with her. She brought it to me and told me to put it on. It fit like it was bought for me and she said that meant she had made the right decision.

I don't remember which day, but it was before the service, it may have been right after the viewing or maybe it was after, but it wasn't a very long time before I moved my wedding ring to my thumb. I have lost some weight and it was loose on the right finger anyway. I don't wear it on my hands at all anymore. It's on a shelf, with the ashes. There's nothing wrong with wearing it, I was just ready to stop. I want to move on. My therapist says that whatever relationship I think I'm ready for, I am.

That ring is a symbol. For me taking it off means that I am ready for new, that I am no longer tied to my past. I will treasure it forever, Grandmother was so special to me. I will treasure my marriage. It was a literal 'til death do us part marriage. But I'm free. To come and go and see and talk to whomever I want. I'm free to be in love or not in love as my heart sees fit.

And it's ok.