I woke up exhausted and already in a bad mood. I wanted nothing more than to be at home alone or at least at my local sanctuary where I could be alone if I wanted, but that wasn't available to me at the moment either. So I got up to get some coffee. My mom wanted to spend time with me and I made a big effort to be cheerful. All she wanted to talk about was me moving "home." And she got really upset when I told her over and over again that I have a home, it's in a different state and no I don't think I'll live there forever but I don't want to move back here thank you very much. That was the theme for the morning. I left early to go to my Dad's in hopes my big brother would be there.
When I got to my Dad's I was the only person there which was nice. They didn't try to talk to me about moving or anything. Then my evil stepsister called and (remember this is all from my perspective so it may not be what actually happened, but it's what I overheard from where I was sitting) I heard my stepmother tell her not to come (they have their xmas together on xmas eve). She said she didn't have anything for N (stepsister's baby) to open and that they'd already had their xmas together so don't come. Then she said fine, come one, I'll go wrap one of his toys.
So I was really irritated right then. I don't get along with my stepsister at all. I never have. She's 10 years younger than I am and really messed up in the head, she's been on drugs on and off for so many years... it's a long story and I'm not trying to be insensitive, but she killed any hope of us having a relationship long ago with the things she did to my dad. So my family starts arriving and we go fix plates. I go sit in the dining room which has limited seating so I don't have to deal with so many people at once. I tell my loved ones who chose to sit in there with me that if the stepsister shows up I'll probably leave soon and relate to them the phonecall I overheard.
She shows up.
And starts going in and out of the door in the dining room to the outside porch. I have no idea why. She's a smoker but couldn't smoke a cigarette in the time it's taking her to go in/out/in/out. There are three doorways to this house. All of them are near the same yards and there is no reason to go in and out like a dog with a urinary tract infection. So I finally couldn't take it anymore.
I stood up and locked the door the next time she went out. When she tried to get in and found the door locked I asked her to please use any other door to the house, but please not that one. (Really I said please, and I was calm.) Then she started beating on the door and ringing the doorbell.
NO ONE moved to open the door.
After at least 2 actual minutes of banging and ringing she went to another door, came back in the dining room and told me not to DARE lock her out of her house again. (she doesn't live there and hasn't in many years... in fact I'm sure I spent more time living there growing up than she ever did...) So I stood up, walked over to her, grabbed her left arm in my right hand and stepped through the door to the outside (she had already unlocked the wooden door, I just kind of pushed her through the storm door. Then I held on to her with my right hand and proceeded to tell her exactly what a low-life terrible person I had thought she was for many, many years and told her that I had tried asking her nicely to please use another door, that I was under a lot of stress, and that I thought any human being could understand that and do something so simple that was asked of them. Then I let her go.
I walked back into the house with her on my heels screaming for her mother. I said my rapid good byes at the dining room table and ran to the door nearest my car (I could hear her telling her mother I attacked her and I was so afraid I was about to go to jail for a very Jerry-Springer Christmas). I grabbed my dog and threw her in the car and then went back to scream for whomever was parked in front of me to move their car NOW.
My sweet brother-n-law tried to give me a hug and I screamed at him not to touch me because I had to drive and I couldn't do that if he hugged me.
Then I left, as quickly as I could get away. I drove about 20 miles up the road, pulled over at a gas station and sobbed. And smoked (I don't think I mentioned I was a smoker, but maybe I did) and I was SO upset I called a friend to help me calm down. I told him what happened. He and his wife were in Bham and offered to come pick me up and take me somewhere or whatever I needed, but he calmed me down enough to be able to drive, and really that's all I needed.
I went to R's, for peace. I took some medication, made about a million calls to find out if everyone in my family hated me (no one did, in fact almost everyone was laughing about the stepsister getting such a dose of medicine LOL). I made arrangements to visit with my dad at my Aunt and Uncle's house the next day. And I got some rest. And I cried. And I asked how long it was going to be before I was normal again.
I have a new normal.
It's ok to be sensitive. If people don't know what happened, I tell them. Everything that has not changed has in some way for me. I'm a me now, not an us.
It's weird. It's wonderful. I am alive, to live whatever life I want to have. It's an awesome responsibility that I had never thought to prepare for.
I think I'm doing well.
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