I went to work today, it was awesomely busy like Saturdays should be. I got someone to cover the last hour for me so I could go to the funeral. I got there during the visitation hour, visited, then sad in the back pew.
The last funeral I was at, I sat in the back pew and played with my iphone to keep from spewing obscenities at the pastor. It wasn't anything he said, it was how I took each and every word that came out of his mouth. I took them badly.
I wasn't allowed to sit in the back pew today. My friend wanted me in her pew, the front pew... the one reserved for family. So I went. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It didn't go exactly as I wanted it to go. I felt so stiff and drawn into myself. It was weird. I'd almost start to cry, then her friend who was between us would touch me, or grab my hand and all my tears would just stop. I'd get stiffer in the seat, and nothing. I haven't been able to grieve for RT like I would like, or even like I've felt I've needed to. I don't know how to get there by myself, and I don't have any idea why the tears won't come. I just feel like I'm inside an envelope that is myself. I don't know a better way to explain, and I don't know how to get out.
It's hard and weird and it makes me very, very tired.
Also I'm didn't sleep well last night, I have on the job training for my new part time job tomorrow. My regular work schedule has increased to the point where I'm not sure at all I'll be able to do anything part time... especially if I'm not sleeping well most nights, the few good nights of sleep I've had are defeated by one that is unrestful.
Also I really should have gone running today, but I chose a movie instead. I did need the laugh really, really bad.
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