The Light Went Out

I was sitting at my dining room table tonight gchatting and kept thinking something wasn't right. Then, I noticed my light to the back patio area was out. I got up and flipped the switch and realized that meant the bulb had burnt out. That light has been on since I came back home...after Allen's service.

I found out this evening that an older friend of mine (I used to just be their petsitter, but became their friend who sometimes petsit for them) was in the hospital. They don't expect him to leave. He was sick a large portion of last year, but he pulled through. I love him and his wife to death, I don't even know what to do. I went over to their house and made her agree to a few things, like she would let me and some of the others from work cook for her and her mother. That I could come in the middle of the day when I was at lunch to exercise the dogs. And that if she needed or wanted me to I could stay the night to take care of her mother and the dogs. Just to let me be there for her... I know it's hard to ask for help. REALLY, I KNOW!! It's hard, embarrassing, all that. But it needs to be done. It's hard for people to just know what you might need.

I'm trying to get better at telling people in general what I need or that I'm not ok sometimes. Some days I do a really good job, and sometimes I shove it all back inside. It's hard. I'm not used to it being ok to do things like cry. I feel like this is a reoccurring theme. I have cried so much this week I can't believe I'm not dehydrated LOL.

It's just hard. I can't say I've worked through ALL of my issues with Allen, but I have to work on the issues that are just mine as well. Right now that grim reaper thing is trying to grab ahold of me again. All I can think is: Allen, then PawPaw, then Kayla, then Bob, Now Roger... OMG I just feel death is everywhere and it's all my fault. What about my Daddy? He has just recently had eye surgery again on the same eye. What if he dies? How can I loose my father this year too? What about my new friends, their loved ones will start dropping like flies soon. They will because I'm a friend who brings death.

I know it's stupid, but a part of me feels this way and sometimes it's hard to stop it. I know rationally that it's not true, none of this is because of me. If I were weaker then I'd just crawl in bed and never come out. I really hope I sleep tonight. I've not been sleeping well at all this week. I want to sleep. It's just so hard... and the quality just hasn't been there. I'm tired which makes it harder to not cry which I think may be what I need this week for some reason. I know it won't last forever and that things will get easier, and YES I am appreciative that people keep telling me that. I really am. I just, I've heard it and I want to not cry when my eyes are sore and raw from crying. I want the neighbor's damn dog to stop barking, it barks all the time and I'm sure that's not helping me sleep either.

I don't want my friend to die, I don't want to do another funeral. I haven't processed all of my emotions and the last funeral I was at I was SO ANGRY. I don't like to be angry.

I'm going to visit my friend tomorrow during the day while his wife is there. I hope he makes it until then. It's times like this I wish I had more trouble getting close to people. LOL.