Swinging Up

I guess it's true what they say. I have good days and bad days. I was pretty sure that today would be good, it's Friday the 13th. I have said for years it is my lucky day. That has proven to be VERY true this year.

Work was great, super busy. Then I had plans to crop with my girlfriends. It was a ton of fun, I had just enough paint for my project and not enough time for the paint to dry and finish. I didn't have a big crying spell today, which is great. The day was just really really good.

The kind of day I like to have. There was a moment or two when I got a bit down, but hey... compared to the rest of the week it was FABULOUS!

I realized tonight when I got home, that I remind myself now that when I open the door no one is at home. When I did it tonight I remembered doing it other nights. There are no four-legged ones to greet me or demand to be fed. I still talk to Kayla sometimes. It might be crazy, but I always used to talk to her when she was here with me at home, and sometimes when she wasn't with me... in the car or at work or out shopping. I'd just carry on my little one sided conversation with her and ask her opinion on things (she usually loved every idea or suggestion I had btw.) So I decided it's ok because she's still with me in my heart. I talk to Allen sometimes too, but I do the same thing with my grandparents who have been gone many years. I remember I used to talk to them more, so I'm sure over time I'll talk to Allen less. I hope I talk nicer to him more often. I remember thinking I would never be angry with him... it seems hilarious to me now that I didn't think I could be angry.

I'm still angrier at just dealing with everything after the fact, and now I'm wishing I had just had someone around to push me a little more to finish up a few things. I think I'm afraid to finish up, because then it will really be time to move on and I can't keep holding on to doing that one last thing. The thing that means I'm really free, that I can go on...

I don't even think it's weird, I think it's normal. It's just the steps you have to take, and I'm taking them in my own time.