What Would You Do?

Warning! I'm not really a big country music fan, so you can turn off the volume and read the lyrics if you like.

I had another post in mind today before I went to work. I was composing it in my head as I was driving and made some notes as soon as I had a couple of minutes to jot them down. Then, as sometimes happens, my day changed. Someone called in sick to work today so they asked me to work longer. It's usually not a problem, but this was to be my only split shift day because of someone possibly having quit (not sure when we'll find out for sure, but we have made plans for me to pick up a lot of hours in case she doesn't come back). So since I'm used to doing stuff over several hours in the middle of the day, like usually this blogpost, I wanted to be off. I settled for working a little over and then leaving because they aren't really busy enough for me to work the additional hour and a half, but I'm stalling. I know my day started off with me just not wanting to go in. In a "normal" year I'd be taking a few of my last vacation days I had saved up right about now, but because of all my time off around Christmas I don't have any more vacation until June and it's been really hard not to have that to fall back on. I need to be working on my house, but I don't like being here. I mentioned yesterday I'm lonely... and I am so I don't want to be here without company, I can't get motivated to pick up unless someone is actually coming over, and if I could just get the living room suitable again I think I'd be ok... so I've got to work on that. The other thing is they played that song on the radio. 

I was sitting, copying the census sheet and that song came on and I just about lost it right there in front of everyone. But I took a deep breath and ran to the bathroom just in time to cry until the song was over. It's not a favorite song or anything, I don't really care for it, but I've been thinking lately about "stuff." 

Allen told me when we got married that if I was looking for jewelry or flowers, not to look to him, he didn't do that. I didn't mind. I never expected it, nor was I disappointed. Those were never the kinds of things I thought women "ought" to get. I have a girlfriend who thought otherwise and she didn't know how it couldn't drive me crazy not to KNOW I was getting flowers for at LEAST my birthday and anniversary. I was actually relieved that he had more imagination than that. He sent me flowers to work twice. Once when we lived in MS he sent me flowers (white tulips), and once after we moved to Memphis (a mixed bouquet). It was really special to get them because I never did. He did bring them home to me a few times as well, he knew how much I loved having flowers in the house. But for some reason the song made me think of last Christmas. And of some things I have done that weren't wonderful wifely things. He wanted to buy me something special last Christmas, some real jewelry. Actually one of those pieces that they advertise on tv that are designed to show the world you have someone in your life who loves you, from those Kay Jewelry commercials. He tried to bring up how nice this piece was when the commercial came on, that's when I slammed the jewelry and said how stupid for people go buy jewelry so that someone could look and know that you are loved because a jeweler designed something to tell people. 

It hurt his feelings. I mean the song asks what you would do... and he wanted to give me something that would tell the whole world how he felt, and I told him it was stupid. How awesome am I? We did so much last year that was like our marriage in quick review. It was only clear to me in hindsight. I'm really not very bright sometimes. If I'd only listened and put the pieces together, then at least I wouldn't have proved to be as cold and insensitive as I have been told I was.

I try very hard to live my life with no regrets. I don't regret my marriage, the experiences I've had that have been both good and bad have made me the person that I am today. I hope that I do live my life like I'm dying. I know that I will die one day. I don't want to have any regrets for not trying things, or going places. Even if I make the wrong decisions I hope that I can say that I made the ones I wanted to make! I hope that as I influence my younger family members they look at me and live the life they want to live rather than the one that someone else wants for them. If I had lived the life someone else wanted me to live, I would have graduated from Auburn, possibly as an English Teacher and be married with children living in a small town in Alabama wondering how I wound up there because I always wanted to live in some other state, to have some great adventure. To go out and have some life, rather than watching it pass by on tv.

Some days it's really hard to know what decisions to make, but I'm trying. I want to get out and have some more life...