The Lonely

Most people don't get anywhere near realizing their potential. I used to be one of those people, I tiptoe around that still, but try very hard to push myself. I never thought I could be the kind of person who held her head up after going through what I've been through. I always wondered why people who had a spouse or loved one who killed themselves didn't immediately check into a room somewhere. I don't know why I didn't except that I couldn't afford to. There was nothing to do except come back here and live. Be alive, do my job, find activities to fill up my days. Try my best to expand my circle of friends to people who didn't mind keeping someone company who might cry at the drop of a hat, or some song on the radio.

Today was weird. Saturday I made it through all the stuff at work with no trouble. Today we had a euthanasia that I couldn't be in the room for. I was glad it wasn't "my" patient. I didn't have my own doctor today. But we euthanized her in treatment, and I had to leave the room, it was just too hard. She didn't remind me of Kayla in anyway. She had been boarding with us and just go so sick so fast. She made me feel so lonely. The kind of alone that I don't normally feel. It's been coming on all weekend, I've been fighting it so hard. I don't want it to win, but it's the kind of just I'm physically by myself and I want someone to just hug me and not let go.

It's nothing sexual. I don't want kisses or anything bawdy to go with it. But someone to hold my hand or let me put my head on their chest or shoulder and watch tv, someone to let me watch one of the "movies that make me cry" and let me sob on them. I'd almost put an ad on craigslist to have that right now.  Just to feel a physical connection with someone. It's this lonely that I don't know how to kick. It's not around much, but it is today. I mean, a dog would work, but I need it here, at home.

I have some people I can call to see if I can borrow their dog. I think that's the ticket. I just need to call and get my little buddy to keep me company. (and he will sleep with me at night.

I need to pick up, there's stuff in the floor he might tear up LOL.

I think I'll call them tomorrow.