More Stuff Stuff

I'm feeling much better and more myself today. I had dinner last night with a new friend (NOT a love interest, JUST a new friend... she and I had a fab time and it was  SUPER good timing). I've got some stuff weighing on my mind, and when I say stuff, it's literally what I mean.

For a while, the downstairs was immaculate. Especially the redecorated areas, I could be at peace here, I was sleeping upstairs and the bed was kept neat and made up, while the rest of the room looks like a closet vomited and there's just random piles of stuff. I mentioned that my downstairs had gotten messy... and I don't think I told you it's because I was depressed. I hate saying that. I hate the power I feel like I give to that terrible thing when I say it out loud. I haven't said it out loud, but typing it really feels the same to me.

It's not because of the going through the stuff, or not just. It's because I don't really know what to do with so much of it. There were things I didn't want to get rid of at first, that I really, honestly and truly want to toss now. I can't think of any good and healthy reason to keep them, other than my friends and family telling me I don't have to throw everything away. I think, that for the purposes of moving forward, I will be letting stuff go I wouldn't have considered a few months ago. It doesn't really scare me, I just worry (and this is where I feel stupid) that people are going to think I'm a terrible person because I didn't hang on to every little thing that was special to me at one time. Like that "our first christmas" ornament.

That "our" is no more. It was in the past, in my past, but won't actually be part of any future I can share with someone else. It feels like I have just hung on to many constant reminders that are both good and bad (I'm sure I mentioned that Christmas was bad... right?).

I know it's depression because I know what a depressed house looks like. I've known that it was lurking because I could never get it together to fix the upstairs. I knew one day it would creep down here and that is when I would know it's time to deal with it. Trust me, I have a plan. It's not terrible, and I'm not suicidal. I have started many times picking up, getting it almost perfect then slacking off and letting it pile up again. I'm getting there... and most of the time things are pretty good. Lots of times, things are VERY good actually, but it's still hanging around. It keeps me from sleeping well... which makes me tired and feel like not doing anything.

Good news! The last couple of nights I've slept MUCH better. I feel more motivated. I've found someone who can maybe get me back in touch with my spiritual side that I didn't realize I have totally shut down. It's weird. The days right after his death, I know I was being carried by God. It's the only explanation I could possibly have for how I kept on going. I didn't realize I had issues with that until recently. I realized I haven't been praying, I haven't been at all feeding my spiritual self. I've never been the best Christian, but even in the worst of times here, I turned to prayer to help me sort it all out. I know why I haven't been there, but I don't know how to get back. We all need some help sometimes. And as corny as it sounds "Knowing is half the battle."

I'll keep you posted :)