How will you make it on your own....

I love Mary Tyler Moore. Have loved her as long as I've known about her which I'm guessing is since my preteens and discovery of Nick at Nite (does that even still exist?).
I love watching the available episodes on Hulu now, and used to own a set of VHS tapes with the  "BEST OF" episodes from all the seasons (went to the dumpster, all the vhs tapes went to the dumpster, my vcr has been broken for YEARS). I love the opening song :

I think of it all the time.

I found a book this past Sunday. It was on April 1, the Fool's Day. I've been feeling like a fool ever since because I've let it get to me so very much. Here is the title page:

Inside? Well, there are places for up to six planned sonnets. I know this because they are numbered at the top of the pages. Most of those pages are blank. Most of the pages in the book are blank. I said it twice because that's exactly how I did it when I saw...

There are some things written on some pages, nothing appears to be complete, maybe. I don't know. There are a couple that could be poems in themselves, but the couple of half lines and the numbered non sonnets... I know I'm terrible but right now and ever since Sunday I'm fighting feeling WORTHLESS to him. Like I'm worth nothing.

Like think of something to do for your spouse and plan it out, then DROP IT!!! I don't know if it's right I don't know if he planned to work on them more... the book was on top of boxes. That had to mean he had looked at in sometime since 2005 when we moved here. I'm hung on this book.

It's kind of like a scrapbook with the stickers and the writing.

I want to take it over and throw in photos and some of my own writing to make it a something that is mine... that can't hurt me. But right now... I still feel week and pitiful. I want a hug. I want my music back. I want to find something that he dedicated to me that has something really finished. I want to know that I didn't spend hours letting him be alone when that was the LAST THING I EVER WANTED TO BE AND HE KNEW I HATED BEING ALONE, AND HE WANTED TO DO OTHER STUFF SO BAD I JUST SAT HERE FOR HOURS WATCHING THE TELEVISION AND BEING QUIET SO I WOULDN'T DISTURB HIS SLEEP OR ALONE TIME AND OH GOD IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH THAT THOSE WERE HOURS I COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY DOING SOMETHING, ANYTHING... BUT I WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME THE WAY I WANTED TO SPEND IT WITH HIM. 

I WAS THE ONLY ONE

AND I HAD KAYLA AND SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE EITHER.