Others are affected...

I know I haven't been the only person affected by the death of Allen. We had mutual friends who've been affected greatly. There were folks who just knew him and were terribly upset. Hell, there are folks who only know me and are upset by the fact that my loss was so great.

And sometimes people get angry. And occasionally they tell me. They tell me about how they are mad because of what he did to me, the fact that he left so much for me to clean up, wrap up, that I am getting another job to make my life easier, that I'm getting a roommate to help out with things here. It's just not what someone who loves you does...

But is it?

I don't know. I know he was so unhappy. I feel so bad sometimes because I feel like the fact that he knew I would be hurt at all is the reason he was alive for so long. Then I feel stupid for thinking that.

I just wish that anything he didn't want me to know, that I had never found out. It is unavoidable that people won't go through things you leave behind. And just so it's clear, secrets can hurt a marriage. I keep rethinking what my marriage was. I thought it was so secure, so steady, and really I thought we were so open with one another (until the recent months anyway). I know that he kept so many things to himself, but the realization of just how much I didn't know... I've already said, makes me feel a bit worthless.

I had orientation for my new part-time job today. I have it tomorrow as well. I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and she apologized and then told me how pissed she was that I had to get another job, and she told me she hated that he did this to me.

It's really nice to know that other people can get mad too. That I'm not the only one. That other people feel like man, at least he could have ... done something else to make sure I'd be ok when he was gone.

Suicide is selfish. That part of my thinking I'm not going to change. I can't, but keeping someone alive when they don't want to be... I'll accept my own selfishness. I did it for a few days. I could have done it longer, but really it's not living if your spouse... the person you promised to share your life with holds you hostage under lock and key and won't give you the key to your own car and drives you back and forth to work and hides all the cutlery.

It's no way for anyone to live.

You have to trust and take chances.

You can't stop trusting just because someone takes advantage of it.

I am much better today than I was yesterday. I will unhappily admit I shut myself down for a few hours.

I wanted to do it for much longer, but friends don't let friends move to the dark place. They will let you visit if you insist, but they try not to let you move in.

Have you seen "What Dreams May Come"?

It's relevant. I wish I owned it. I remember seeing it and thinking it was the reason that DVD's were invented.