Dirty Secrets

This post will have very sensitive information inside, if you read it, you have been warned!


People have secrets. Ones that they share and ones that they don't. Marriages have secrets as well. Things that only the parties involved in the marriage know about. I'm going to tell you some of mine.

"They" say that it's the quiet ones who are actually the most adventurous. This turned out to be true in Allen's case. Surprisingly so. To the point where there were times I was told that I did "nothing" for him sexually because I was too interested in the"vanilla." This has been on my mind so much lately. I actually wonder if I will ever be able to relax and have a "normal" relationship with another man. I know it's possible. I know that everything I have done I did because I wanted to or chose to. I know I never have to do anything I don't want to do. I also know that I am apparently one of those crazy girls who obsesses over things. I don't know if I was like that before.

I want to know what everything means, could it mean something else, will anyone ever want me after they know what I've done?

 It's weird, I spent so much time telling my husband that no one was interested because he was so jealous, horribly jealous to the point where he once even accused me of sleeping with his best friend in our home when he was away for the night and the friend was there to visit.

I never really got over being accused like that. I didn't do anything unusual for me. I wasn't acting funny, he just snapped. And the funniest thing about it was it was all me being blamed, not the guy. The only thing I think I did right about that fight was to just look at Allen and tell him if he really felt that way he could decide who was moving out because I wasn't going to fight back, either he trusted me or he didn't. He came to his senses.

I wish all our arguments were over so quickly. So many times we'd argue and I'd be really upset and start crying. That was always a mistake because if I cried, I was accused of trying to manipulate him. I look back and wonder how we made it 15 years. There were good times, but sometimes it seems like they were so few and far between. And then there was so much time spent alone... alone in the house, alone on the road going to visit family by myself. Alone because he was home but wanted to "work on projects".

Thank goodness for paper and glue!