My Current Normal

I have a wonderful job with great coworkers. I've established some local friendships and have some long distance ones that I hope I always have. Occasionally I have a horrible nightmare, or read a passage in a book that goes through what I personally find an overly graphic description of what it is like to hang followed by what the person looked like when they took him down and the fact that he wasn't dead and thanks to Jamie and Claire he will be ok but not Allen because I didn't even look at him there and how could I not have known he was tearing down the ceiling to get to the beams I mean the water leak had been fixed so why did the ceiling keep coming down...
But this is not healthy or constructive thinking. Then my thoughts turn to my in-laws and how I wish we had a relationship before things were over because I worry about Nana and hate to call and bother them beause wow, how awkward is it that someone you weren't crazy about before calls and destroys any peace that you had found either dealing with or not dealing with your own personal loss.

OH yeah and the BEST (with heavy sarcasm) was the other day at work when I was giving a new friend my phone number and she asked me my last name. I gave her my maiden name then told her my married name but begged her not to use it... because I'm a freak and didn't want to be associated with it right them for some reason I'll never understand.

But I think all of this is normal. And I'm ok.

:)

Six Months...

It's been almost exactly six months since my last post. I feel like I'm fairly settled in here in my new city. I love where I live, I'm close to everything, walking distance to everything I need and most of what I would want. I have a job only five miles from home, that I love. I feel like this job was meant for me to find. I learn something new every day and the environment is so encouraging and supportive, I couldn't have imagined finding a job in my field that I would love so very much.

I have the occasional panic. Sudden uncertainty, sometimes I am suddenly unsure of my decision making process. I think often of how Allen would judge the decisions I have made, or how he would react when I decide to do something or go somewhere. I feel him cringe sometimes when I vocalize things he used to do or say because it's ingrained in my mind that "it's a secret", "we don't tell people what kinds of things happen between the two of us". I feel like sometimes my feelings are exaggerated when I talk about him but I forgive myself for that because they are feelings, and sometimes they are stronger than others. Also, they were shoved down for so long, I'm surprised sometimes that there haven't been more harsh ones to deal with.

I would do it all again, I think I've said that before. Not because I want to, but because I do so love who I am right now, even with the occasional uncertainty.

Yesterday I felt weirdly emotional all day. It's not that time of the month but the roller coaster that was my emotional state sure felt like it. I'm not a hundred percent what was up, I watched one of my fav shows and there was a shocking death of a character so the show turned into one of those "how short life really is" things. I sobbed like my best friend had died and felt like I couldn't cope for a bit.

I also had a bit of a time this weekend where I felt there was some music I just didn't want to hear, like it would bring up too many bad feelings. I remembered hearing these songs over and over and drowning in the sad that permeated the house and I just couldn't deal with it. The last time I remember asking NOT to hear a song, was at work. It was right after I started and "Wish You Were Here" started playing and I asked if we could please change the station. The song has played many times since, and it's been fine. I'm not sure why it was so strong this weekend.

It does get better, the feeling of being so closely tied to something terrible that happened, and there are times I want to feel like I'll never think about it again... but I don't really believe that will happen. I dunno. I feel like if I'm bringing him up over and over that it's on my mind for some reason. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is coming, is almost here. I always used to think about him and his mother and their problems, hell they were OUR problems. You can't really be in a relationship and have problems that are just your own. Your mood affects your partner's mood. You can't help it.

I'll be giving this some more thought as I'm pretty sure that's the only way to get over it.

Hugs

I'm going...

I am moving out of this house on Sunday. The house where "things happened." I feel like this is the final step so I can have complete and total control over myself. I'm moving far, far away. There is a sadness. I have some wonderful friends that I am going to miss. I have a friend here that I talk to on a daily basis right now. I plan to continue checking in with her. I have another friend I check in with on a daily basis. I plan to keep that up as well. These two people live in different states, but I know they both care about me and have done more than a friendship requires in my life. I love them both dearly for it, and they would give me anything they have to offer as I would them. It's not everyday that you make friends like that.

Every night this week is taken by someone else as a goodbye dinner type thing. It's happy and sad. I'm doing my best to keep everyone upbeat because that's what I want. My mother certainly doesn't support my decision to live my own life, and my friends are giving me that support, well my friends and my Daddy and my siblings.

I had a friend comment recently on the fact that "I'm the glue." And it's true, and sometimes the glue that holds all the family relationships together feels like a terrible burden. So I'm kind of forgiving myself of that duty. I don't love anyone less, but for the first time in my life, I love ME more. I am worth more than days of headaches and heartaches trying to make everyone else happy. I am just as important as anyone else, and it is PAST time for me to realize that.

That being said, I am so thankful to have taken this year to be so reflective and to listen to me for once. To follow my inner voice that never tries to mislead me. She always wants me to do the right thing for me, even when I fight her on it.

:)

Adventure is coming!

In 1989 I read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy for the first time. I started with what I consider the first book... The Hobbit (yes, I realize that makes my trilogy have four books). I then read the books in order, always starting with The Hobbit over and over again, a minimum of once per year, but sometimes twice every year until 2001. I've read them at least once since then, but since the movies came out... I dunno, it's different.
I enjoy reading books more than once if I really really like them.  Some people have told me it's weird or boring, but those same people watch their favorite movies more than once so, I don't really see the difference. I mention the books because if life is like a story, I feel I'm starting a brand new volume. Not just a new chapter.

The days are counting down to what will be my farthest move so far from the place where I was brought up. I am terribly excited. A lot is going on. The one year anniversary of Allen's (God rest his soul) passing is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I won't be at the house for it. That much I know. Tomorrow is the anniversary of our visit to the haunted corn maze. We went last year with a group of people I work with. It was a blast! We had a ton of fun. I have a smiling photo of Allen from that night. It was less than a month later that he was gone. I'm going with some of the same people this year. Next Saturday. My godchildren and their parents are coming along.

I feel a bit weird sometimes about going, but I want to do it. I feel like I need to.

I don't have any Halloween stuff out at my house, but I've been petsitting so much, I've barely been home. Also, I've started clearing out for moving. It does seem a bit odd. I do enjoy Halloween, but I have no plans for it this year. Nothing to do. I have a strange desire to buy a terribly slutty costume, but Ang says it's just because I wasn't allowed to before. And that is probably true.

Busy week :)

I'm smiling because it's almost too much. Almost but my brain hasn't really reacted in the way I've expected... yet. The one year anniversay approaches. I know I'm dreading it, I mean who wouldn't. I know that I should plan some "grieving" time but I'm not ready to think about that today (Thanks Scarlett O'Hara).

Last Monday I found out my father had leukemia. By the time Friday rolled around, he was really sick. I left on Sunday to go visit him in the hospital and wound up staying until Tuesday evening. When I got there Sunday he looked ok. Had a bit of patechia on his back and upper arms. By Monday evening it had spread all over his chest and Tuesday morning it spread up his neck to his face, and his liver and kidneys weren't doing well so his skin and eyes had a yellow cast. I know he is not a dog, but in the animal hospital, if a pet had everything going on that Daddy did, we'd be hoping the owner would put the pet out of it's misery.

I don't want my dad to suffer. And I stayed with him in the hospital room on Monday night. I've not spent the night with a patient before. The hospital people come in every couple of hours to take vitals and blood and make sure you are ok. Daddy rested really well, and I only had to help him with bathroom things once (other than hand him the urine bottle thing they measure his output with).

The one time I had to help him he kept saying that for all the time he changed my diaper and wiped my bottom, he never EVER thought I'd have to help him out like that. I'm not sure who it was odder for. I really didn't mind, it's one of those things, that I had never thought about doing... but you just do it.

I keep thinking I'm ok. I know in the great scheme of things I will be ok. I don't know where this holding on to stuff came from. I didn't grow up holding things in. I was always the "sensitive" one. I cried at the drop of a hat. I let it all out as soon as it came in.

I feel the tears building up. they won't come out. I keep thinking if Allen was still alive, I'm not sure which Allen would be with me. Sometimes if he was wrapped up in himself, he would get angry when I got upset about sick people in other states. I don't know if he'd still be that way. I had a couple of family deaths not too long after we'd been married. My grandfather died the day we got back from our honeymoon. It was my Daddy's Dad. Allen wouldn't ask off work for the funeral because he'd just been off for a week.

I can't even remember if he went to the funeral home with me.

The next death that was close to me was my Big Mama. She was sick for months. I don't remember how many, it was probably just two, but it felt like forever. She died a few years after my Dad's dad. She was diabetic, and had a blood clotting disease. She had her legs removed and never left the hospital. She died exactly the way she told me she would for years and years. She told me she'd have to have her legs removed and then she would die. She skipped the part about holding on for many, weeks and us getting to watch her slowly die. But in a nutshell it was just the way she said it would be.

The fact that I drove over to Alabama (we lived in MS at the time) everytime the doctors said they didn't think she'd live until the morning almost caused us to get a divorce. He had never lost anyone close to him like that before. He didn't like me leaving him alone so much. I never regretted going.

He did attend the viewing for an hour or so and then came to the funeral. He stayed with his parents and I stayed with my Big Mama's body all night with my mom and siblings. It was what she had asked us to do.

I don't know what my Dad wants. I don't know that he really cares about anything in particular. I don't want him to suffer, but it's kind of scary to think that soon he's not going to be just a phone call away. He isn't really now, I don't think he could hear me well enough if I did call to tell him something.

I feel a flood of emotions building up, but I have no idea how to get them to come out. I have some theories, and will practice them at some point. I've never been this person who kept things inside... it's kind of weird.

It had to happen...

There were a few things about my late husband (God rest his soul) that I could always count on.

1. Every situation would be picked apart and analyzed until there was nothing left.
2. NOTHING gets written in one go... there are always drafts.
3. a whole bunch of other stuff

Today I found a letter he wrote to his cousin. It was short and sweet and I got her address so I can mail it to her.

I found rough drafts of the suicide note. There were two. He even practiced making the sign he put on the kitchen door telling me to go get my neighbor. I'm confused at why it kind of upset me to see it. I guess it made me wonder how long he'd been planning, I don't know. It was just weird. It's days like these that make me wish it would all just disappear. I'd give up everything there just to not have to see any of it again. I feel like some people might think I'm a bad person for not wanting to read every scrap of paper. But I just want to make sure I'm not throwing away anything important. I just want to have it all over with, but not do it myself. That's the impossible part.

It could be worse.

It could be a lot worse, I could have been more than just bothered by it. I didn't freak out or anything. It was just weird.

:)

What has brought me here

I have a lot of petsitting to do for the next six weeks. One of the jobs is for the place I sat in May. All of May. And being in that particular condo again, well I'm so glad I get to stay there again before I'm finished with Memphis. That place, the lovely water and the space there to think. The company of the cats who really didn't want much attention. It's such a zen place and I'm glad I'll be there again.

The petsitting is awesome because it allows me to still go to my regular job but have a break from the house. the house which has become kind of like a living presence. It's weird. I feel more at home at most of the places I sit. It's like this house doesn't want me here, and I am HONESTLY not sure if it's all in my head, or if it's a real feeling. Friends have told me that it's a real feeling. And they've given me their opinions on what they think it is.

Is it a presence trying to change me back to the way I was?
Is it a presence trying to hasten my departure?
Is it bad energy that has been absorbed by the walls and is now leaking out and I'm just sensitive to it?
Is it the fear of the unknown?

I'm not sure. I did a little ritual before bed last night. I lit a sage bundle and smoked up the entire bedroom. I said a prayer. I addressed the house and my Allen (God rest his soul). I'm not sure it worked. I may have slept better, but I'm waking up so tired it's hard to tell. I only have a few more days to sleep here, then I have a couple of weeks where I will be paid to sleep elsewhere.  I'm getting enough to function, just not the good deep restful stuff that would make it easy to wake up :)

Maybe it is fear of the unknown, but I wouldn't think that would be affecting me now. It seems way to early for that. I dunno.

I want to sage cleanse the whole house. And yes, I will be including the garage.

And yes, I have thought of the fact that it could be the time of year. I haven't done any of the things I normally would have done at this time of year except go to the fair. There are no Halloween decorations out. No pumpkins or Jack O Lanterns. I have one pumpkin candy holder that I painted earlier this year. I'm not keeping any of the other things. Not even the wreath I made that was still on the door when he died. (My mom made me take it down, she said it was morbid). The stuff we had was OURS, and I only want to move forward with stuff I can see as MINE.

The WE/OUR that I was a part of is over. Forward is the direction I am going.

Being True to Myself... and my Therapy Blog

I've been needing to blog this week, but I've been in denial. Sleepless nights have proved to me that I can't just try to keep things inside. I know better, I've spent months learning better. I took 1/2 a benedryl last night to ensure I could sleep. I'd not had much sleep at all for various reasons since Saturday night, where I stayed up way too late scrapping then chatting.

I have made some hard decisions lately, and they are scary.

This weekend I am taking what is left of Allen back to Alabama. I've said and said I'm done with the ashes and he didn't want me holding on to them anyway, and I AM done with them. It's time I don't have anything feeling like it's physically weighing me down. His ashes are going to his mother. She already has some, but when I asked if she'd like some more she said yes. Enough said.

I'm going to have lunch with his mom and Nana. I just am dreading being made to feel weird. Before Allen died, they always let me know that they thought I wasn't up to their social standards. I always thought it was weird, his mom grew up on a farm, much like the country atmosphere I grew up in, but they actually had cows. We had gardens and a well, but no livestock. PawPaw was the only one who treated me like normal people. Like I didn't have to be shown manners (I never once wiped my hand on my sleeve or arm I swear!) I have always been as much myself as I could be (allen permitting) around these people. But I was raised feeling free to speak my mind and give my input on things (stuff they didn't really want to hear unless it agreed with what they already thought).

Anyway I'm getting off point. I'm not really afraid of them, I just don't know how to act. All of a sudden people who didn't have anything to do with me for years want me to be a part of their lives. They want me to stay in touch because they feel (I'm guessing) that I'm some sort of link to Allen. And really, I'm not. I can't link them to anything they chose to not be a part of. I can't help them to know him better. Hell, I was married to him and right now, this minute, I don't really feel I knew him.

I just want to move forward. I don't want to be sucked into anything or any relationship that is going to be weird and mired in the past. I've told them I'm moving, I've told them (and not you until now) that I'm getting rid of this house.

I'm trying a short sale, but if that doesn't work I'm choosing the deed in leiu of foreclosure option. The people at the mortgage co. are so nice. As soon as you tell them our spouse committed suicide in the house THAT YOU STILL LIVE IN they stop trying to talk you into staying.

The way the house is going is terribly emotional for me. as much as I try not to, I feel kind of like a loser. It doesn't matter how much I didn't want to live here in the beginning, I still agreed. It's called honoring your spouse, and it BURNS sometimes, I mean physically there is pain when I consider all the uncharitylike things I did for so many years!! I want to scram out and find out WHY I DIDN"T MATTER MORE! Why?

So I'm going to Bama, I haven't even told my Mom yet, because I don't really want to have a bad experience with her. I'm tired of feeling judged. I just want her to respect me and my opinions and the way I want to live my life. I have tried for many years to just stay respectful of the things she has done.

Wow, it really comes pouring out like tapping a Maple tree thick with sap, huh?

I am planning to visit some new friends and old ones. I am hoping the weather is going to be ok. It's supposed to rain. I just want a safe trip on top of everything else.

The house is weird, it's becoming the time of year the house got decorated. Fall/Halloween/Thanksgiving. The orange and black and purple and red, I don't know if I want to dig stuff out. I don't know how much of it I'll move with me. Right now I know I will take the jackolantern candy jar I painted this spring at paint a piece. It's mine. Some things here don't feel like they are mine. So I'm thinking if it's not mine, it can't live with me.

My company is taking the employees to the fair next week. I just found out that one of my friends' spouses thinks it's weird that I'm so excited to go, because I went with Allen last year.

I didn't feel weird at all until then and now I keep asking myself if I should feel weird. I keep coming up with no as an answer but wonder if people will judge me if I go.

I don't want to be judged.

I just want people to live their lives and let me live mine.

Birthdays gone

August 2nd would have been Allen's birthday. He would have been 38. It wasn't hard. I planned for some sad time, but really didn't get sad. He had a strict "no acknowledging my birthday" policy which was always hard for me. Birthdays were always the one day you got to pick what you wanted for dinner and everyone seemed just a bit nicer when I was growing up. I wasn't going to do anything at all, but then it was suggested that I at least get some cupcakes or something and I did. I spent the morning at home alone. Then I packed up some scrapbook supplies and headed to my friend P's house for the day (after stopping by my FAVORITE cupcakery here). We scrapped and chatted and enjoyed the most delicious cupcakes.

It wasn't sad. It was ok. It was nice to be able to say out loud it was his birthday and cringe every time his phone rang because he didn't take calls on his birthday. He really didn't like them.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for a 3 year old. My co-worker's granddaughter. It was a ton of fun. And I met a very special person there. I actually knew in advance that he MIGHT be there and that made it even more important for me to stop by. I met the man who picked up Allen's body. He is actually the one who cut him down.

He answered questions for me that no one else would, but he was so careful with his words. He answered slowly and kept asking if I was ok. I was. I really wanted to know the few things that he told me. I told him that my neighbor refused to tell me any details about what he found, and that we were no longer speaking to one another. He seemed surprised at that, but he doesn't really know my neighbor so... oh well :).

I felt relieved after we spoke.

Relieved to know that tiny bit of information that I couldn't quite work out in my head.

Knowledge is power!

Phone Calls

I just had a phone conversation with Allen's mom. It went well. I had wanted to tell her that I was ready to let go of ashes. And ask if she wanted some. I'm glad I asked.

The only thing I have done so far that wasn't what he wanted, is I have been holding on to some ashes. I have blogged about them before. I AM ready to let go... physically. I feel like I have emotionally moved so far past holding on to them. The only thing I was sad about talking to her was the fact that she started crying. I didn't mean to make her cry. She said she cries every day. I did lose both a husband and a grandfather, but she lost a son and her father. I can't imagine both of those things so close together.

I want her to have peace in her life. I feel like I have peace with it. Like everything has just happened that was supposed to. Maybe that's morbid.

Maybe it's selfish in some way.

I don't know and I don't care. I'm ok. I'm happy :).

I want everyone to be.

Hugs.

Anger Management

I have a special friend who recently spent 43 hours without electricity. And yes, it was hot. Miserably hot. I did a lot of worrying about what my friend was going through. We did stay in touch, via texting and some emails. Smart phones are wondrous devices. And through it all, there was no anger.

I find that situations make me reflect on the way things used to be, and the more I talk about them to my friends in constant contact... the more I realize that I was married to someone that no one else knew, at all really.

We have had some electricity issues here, in the house where I still live. We went away last year for a couple of days and came home to find that the big metal box that directs electricity to our home had given out, and so we spent many hot miserable hours (turns out this happened on the hottest day and night of the year LOL) waiting for the electric company to come and diagnose the problem (we only had half of whatever the amount of electricity is supposed to be coming to the house and that is a big deal if your appliances and a/c and everything needs all of the voltage to run...).

We have had storms that made the power go out for hours.

When we still lived in Tupelo, the stuff in the wall died and we had to have it all replaced, that happened in July which was very hot indeed!

So when I was thinking of my friend in the hot, I thought of the times when I was married and it was hot. And I noticed that my friend never texted angry words or sounded anything other than calm... like it happened, worse things happen to others all the time (funny enough, this is my normal reaction to the same types of situations). And then I would catch myself thinking of the hours of yelling that would accompany power outages at "our" house. I never understood how angry it would make Allen. We had no control over it, and the heat... it just felt worse to me to get upset and angry. It certainly didn't make me feel any cooler. And the angrier he got, the worse I felt because there was NOTHING I could do to make things better.

Yes I called MLG&W. No I couldn't make them fix it faster. Yes I knew it would be hard to sleep in the heat. Can't fix it.

I'm not going to say that I've never gotten upset over a situation that I had no control over, that would be a lie. But when the power goes out, I adjust. When it ices and snows and I still have to drive to work to care for the animals there, I leave really early and drive really slow. I don't get all mad and upset at the weather.

It's really hot and dry right now, and my godchildren are coming for the 4th of July. We hope to see fireworks, but they have already cancelled some displays that were scheduled for the weekend, so we may not see any. If we don't, it's ok. Everyone will live and we'll do something else. None of the adults will be mad over that at least.

I'm glad they are coming. July 4th is usually a holiday that I volunteer to work for someone else. No one swapped or traded holidays this year at work which is weird, but at least I'm having some company :).  When I was asked weeks ago what I normally did, I told the truth. Allen always worked so he could see the fireworks from the building he worked in. Loads of the employees would bring their families to watch, but he always told me not to come down. It always made me feel unwanted. And honestly sometimes when others would tell me what his company was doing for employees and families it would make me feel a bit like he was ashamed of me.

That may be silly, but I know for certain I was embarrassing to him from time to time. He would tell me. I asked the wrong questions, I laughed to loud... Sorry I didn't really know I was going in this direction.

I went to see Magic Mike this weekend with a girlfriend, and afterwards we went to O Charley's to eat. We laughed and guffawed and told stories to one another and objectified the men in that movie unashamedly! I had a blast. My girlfriend didn't mind me laughing at all, she laughed with me. No one was angry that I went to see the movie (why would anyone be, really... it's a movie). I like not living with anger, and embarrassment. I like being confident to be who I am. It's really really nice when my friends talk about how happy I am.

I love being Wonder Woman...

All Your Bad Days Will End

So the Flaming Lips are going to perform tomorrow afternoon in Memphis. One of their albums in particular helped me through some of the darkest days right after Allen died. The song above was on the Batman Forever. It was the song that introduced Allen and thus myself to the Flaming Lips (I mean, I think we'd all heard She Don't Use Jelly beforehand...).

A person's age makes them of age to do things like buy alcohol legally, but it doesn't teach them to drink responsibly. Life is full of things that shape who we are. There are people who go around being busy little ants and people who are carefree grasshoppers. There was a tiny window of time at the end of 2011 when I wanted to throw away every single bit of the person I was to become someone else. I'm glad that feeling passed. I'm not a grasshopper. I am an ant. And I am proud to be that way. It doesn't mean I never have fun, but it means I am smart about it. The craziest thing I did was to go to Arizona, but I did think about it, and very carefully. I don't regret any of it. It was the really jumping off point. It was ONE of the decisions that made it ok for me to acknowledge who I have been all along. I broke a lifelong pattern of bad decisions, I decided I alone had control of my future and that I was no longer going to be stepped on by people who called themselves my friends.

I gave myself my permission to let go of anyone who made me feel bad rather than build me up, I allowed new people into my life.

My life. That's what it is. Only I can make it good or bad. By the people I allow into it, and the decisions I make.

Milestones... small but significant

I passed a milestone today quite unexpectedly. I didn't even know this would be one, but I think it is and I think it's important!

I was meeting a client for a petsitting job and there were some questions that I answered that implied that I was no longer married, but not once did I say that my spouse was dead. And I certainly didn't use the phrase "he hung himself in our garage." As pitiful as it may sound, that phrase or "he's dead" or "he died" are all that I've been able to come up with so far. Tonight I carefully worded my answers so that I wouldn't call any extra attention to the fact that I was not currently married.

It felt great!

Wedding Anniversary

It was sixteen years ago today that I got married to my first husband. This is the first anniversary without him, but not the first to go uncelebrated as a couple. The anniversaries that we actually celebrated were years: 1, 5, 10.

Last year he was too depressed. And I was hurt, I wanted to be important and for the day to be special and celebrated in SOME way.

Today was nowhere near what I expected. The day started with an email from Allen's mother that freaked me out. It was nice, but it freaked me out. Then my mom called and left a message that I refuse to listen to because the voice transcription in my email made me sad to read it. I was very short tempered and what my sister told me was "hypersensitive" all morning. At lunch I posted on FB that it WAS the anniversary of the wedding and that I was ok in hopes of stopping people from contacting me with "that" tone in their voice because I cant stand it. And this afternoon I felt the funk lifting, I went to dinner with a GREAT girlfriend of mine and we laughed and talked for a few hours. It was GREAT. (and yes, I had A drink but that means only 1).

I thought this day was going to be SO MUCH WORSE than it was.

It really wasn't bad at all, I mean I really thought I'd be crying and depressed.

huh!

Yay me.

It's almost the date...

It's almost the date that used to be my wedding anniversary. People tell me that I can still call it that. I don't want to. I want some other words for it. Allen promised me after we got married that we'd celebrate the ones that ended with 5 and 0... barring the first. He said we didn't need to celebrate every year.

He didn't.

Last year was 15 years. We did not celebrate, he didn't feel like it.

I'm not saying I wanted a big gift, but I wanted the day to be special. We certainly argued about the date long enough. I originally wanted to get married on Halloween so we wouldn't be stuck expected to wear a white dress and a tux. I wanted it to be FUN. I wanted it to be us.  

I wanted to hear the words Happy Anniversary every year. I wanted to know it meant as much to him that we dedicated our lives to one another. I'd rather have had him forget the actual date than to just watch it go by.

When you think about it these are the ones we had to celebrate by his "rules": 1,5,10,15.

That's not very many.

I've always kind of felt bad about the not celebrating of our anniversary. It's a something I should have fought for. Maybe. 

Maybe it'll be easier because it'll be more normal?

It's weird because most days I don't really think about it. I guess I only thought about it today because I'm off work and noticed the date. 

Maybe that's why I had that dream the other day.

Bad Dreams

I had my first nightmare about Allen this morning. I'm staying in a fabulous condo on Mud Island and last night was the first night I couldn't get to sleep. I did have some things on my mind, but I didn't think I was that worried, I guess so LOL.

I kept waking up and laying down and finally fell asleep some time after midnight. I dreamt I went home to some basement apartment. Everything in it was white. It had windows that were short and up a the top of the walls and outside the windows were trees and the sun was shining. When I got home Allen was there. When I saw him I was ANGRY. I wanted to know how he could put me through everything I have been through. He didn't know what I was talking about. I told him the suicide, the fact that he was dead. He didn't understand why I told people he was dead. Then he said he'd have to kill himself now, because of me. Because I had already told everyone that he was dead. We had a massive fight. He tried to run out of the front door and I climbed out the window and beat him to the front door. I was determined not to let him do it, not to let him do it because of me.

I woke myself up crying.

I've been thinking, trying to decide all day what it might have meant. I'm thinking it just means I have some guilt, about not keeping him from harming himself. But I know it wasn't the answer. I know it wasn't going to be any sort of life for either one of us. I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that I've talked to others with similar depressed spouse issues, and they have done what I did not.

I have two friends who've done it. And I chose not to. It's not bad or wrong, it just wasn't for us, and that's ok. I'm not wrong and I wouldn't change anything I did.

Not Guilty

I was feeling very guilty about not blogging here every day. But it's not as important as it used to be. It's only important now if I think of something I want to talk about. Things don't come up so often. I made contact with someone from my/our past recently. A relationship that had ended badly. Friendships severed for ridiculous reasons. P had the most awesome news. He has a dvd of Allen playing a song I thought was lost forever. I don't remember the lyrics, he wrote it for his father who committed suicide. I only remember little snatches of it.

Allen and I were a singing duo for a minute in college, when we were friends, before we ever went out. We called ourselves "Into the Moment". We both wrote songs (this means I wrote 1 song LOL). I sang and he played guitar. No gigs or anything although some friends heard us play a bit and I used to sing all the time... I'm getting back there :)

Anyway I was dating P at the time and Allen and myself and P's friend A were all hanging out and performing different songs and stuff, there was a camcorder involved and miraculously P has that video on a dvd now. He said he'd send it to me asap, but warned me it might be hard to watch.

Music has been so important to me, I lost it for a while. It's not to me like it is to some people, but the right music can put me in the emotional frame I am trying to get to. It helps pull me out of my funk when I need out, it helps me cry when I can't make the tears come myself. I heard the song Time of Your Life by Green Day today. I cried just a little.

It's the only song by Green Day I can name off the top of my head. When I first heard it I thought it would be an awesome song to play at a funeral. Now I think it's fitting for people who have come through a big change and come out on top. I'm not really sure why I cried today. I'm sure I'll cry again... I am a girl after all :).  I truly believe I have made it through the worst time. I don't know, what used to be my wedding anniversary is coming but really how sad can it be. That day is a happy memory. The anniversary of his death will be sad, but I'm still here and life is going on. Life is unpredictable. I am grateful for everything that has happened and all the friends I've made and kept. I'm happy that the people who left that I thought were friends are gone. I don't need them in my life. I'm going to watch the dvd when I get it and remember how happy singing made me then. It makes me just as happy now. I remember A making fun of me for singing Allen's suicide ballad and smiling. I couldn't help it. It wasn't the song that made me smile, it was the processing of emotions in such a positive way. They were cathartic for Allen and hearing the song and performing the song was a gift to himself. It was an honor when he let me sing it. He never liked the artistic license that I took with the melody until I successfully argued that the actual singer should get to add their own contribution (his answer to that was not to let me record it on the 8 track LOL).

I am forgiving myself for not blogging as often as I used to, it's that time. And it's perfectly normal :)

Learning about me

I feel like I learn more about myself all the time, I guess it's because I'm spending so much time with me now :).

I spent several hours today at my actual house, did some laundry and went for a run. The more time I'm away from that space, the harder it is for me to find myself in the things that are there. It's like they were mine... even the newer stuff. The new things that re there are lovely, but they were chosen quickly and I was "helped" a good bit :).

The only thing I'm not really fond of at all, is the big brown chair. It's comfy, but given more time and shopping, I think it could have been a much better anything...

The stuff that was tucked away but is now sitting out makes me happy. The rest of it, eh...

I don't know, the place feels like it has no soul in it now. I don't know if it's because no one is really living there right now or what. It doesn't make me sad, or anything really... it's just there. A container for belongings. It's weird.

I also am almost ready to go through stuff on shelves again and "thin out" more stuff. Some books are just there because they are on my list of things I might want to read... but I have a library card now :).

I don't want to hold on to anything for the sake of "having" it. I did that for far too long.

Surprises about Living Alone... or Thinking Problems LOL

I have lived far to long to have just experienced "Iron Poor Blood." Maybe it's Geritol time for me :).

Anyway I noticed yesterday that I was strangely overly tired and so when I got off work I ran some errands that included some groceries and came "home" to rest. (Home is in quotes because I'm petsitting in someone else's fabulous home.)

I'be been reading a lot and eating fruit, crackers, leftover cupcakes and just snacky type items. There has been food like fruit and stuff at work so I haven't been cooking and I've been not dropping by and picking up burgers and I know I should be eating better but it's been enough. But yesterday I was SO tired.

By last night my head was really fuzzy and I was having trouble putting thoughts together and reading wasn't going well and blast it, something was WRONG! So I did what ladies do, I called a girlfriend, described my symptoms and then she asked me a couple of questions and then tells me that my iron is low and I need vitamins and red meat ASAP. This is impossible at the moment because I don't even think I can walk down the three flights of stairs to my car in my current condition. So I start reading labels, eat some yogurt and a big salad, feel a bit better and go to bed.

This morning I ate more yogurt, some peanuts that were at work and then went and bought vitamins with extra iron, spinach for salad, and some red meat LOL. I can't tell you what a relief it is to have my brain functioning at a higher capacity again.

I also feel like an idiot for not taking better care of myself. I hate cooking for one, but I went ahead and made extra steak for dinner tonight and either tonight or tomorrow I can cook some hamburger patties to have with more salad :).

It's easy and not too fattening... I have a George Foreman to grill on :)

But let this serve as a warning to anyone newly single... or living by themselves... you have to eat right (even when you don't want to). The sad thing is, I didn't think I was doing so badly, I just need to make way more of an effort. :)

It's all good. At least I know what I like :)

Reading

I've been doing things since Allen died that I have always taken great pleasure in, but for some reason I haven't done them so much in recent years. I've been listening to music and reading.

I started listening to music right after he died. Before I got really sad, and before he got so very, very depressed, he used to introduce me to new music. He also used to put down my music (I am a product of my generation so I do allow myself a certain amount of hair metal bands...). I like a bit of every kind of music. I can't say that I hate all of any particular genre... I particularly like music that is happy and makes me feel good... and the stuff I know the words to. I love to sing. It makes me happy. I had practically stopped doing it at all by November. Now there's almost no day that goes by where I don't sing SOMETHING.

I read a book for my birthday, I read another today. And I've started a third.

It feels marvelous to be devouring fiction without someone telling me that I'm reading pointless literature. The first book I read this year was recommended to me and it was a short story. It was very special and a very me type book.

It's nice to know that someone cares enough to learn about you and simply recommend something that they think would appeal to you, and for them to get it exactly right... it's magical!