Not Guilty

I was feeling very guilty about not blogging here every day. But it's not as important as it used to be. It's only important now if I think of something I want to talk about. Things don't come up so often. I made contact with someone from my/our past recently. A relationship that had ended badly. Friendships severed for ridiculous reasons. P had the most awesome news. He has a dvd of Allen playing a song I thought was lost forever. I don't remember the lyrics, he wrote it for his father who committed suicide. I only remember little snatches of it.

Allen and I were a singing duo for a minute in college, when we were friends, before we ever went out. We called ourselves "Into the Moment". We both wrote songs (this means I wrote 1 song LOL). I sang and he played guitar. No gigs or anything although some friends heard us play a bit and I used to sing all the time... I'm getting back there :)

Anyway I was dating P at the time and Allen and myself and P's friend A were all hanging out and performing different songs and stuff, there was a camcorder involved and miraculously P has that video on a dvd now. He said he'd send it to me asap, but warned me it might be hard to watch.

Music has been so important to me, I lost it for a while. It's not to me like it is to some people, but the right music can put me in the emotional frame I am trying to get to. It helps pull me out of my funk when I need out, it helps me cry when I can't make the tears come myself. I heard the song Time of Your Life by Green Day today. I cried just a little.

It's the only song by Green Day I can name off the top of my head. When I first heard it I thought it would be an awesome song to play at a funeral. Now I think it's fitting for people who have come through a big change and come out on top. I'm not really sure why I cried today. I'm sure I'll cry again... I am a girl after all :).  I truly believe I have made it through the worst time. I don't know, what used to be my wedding anniversary is coming but really how sad can it be. That day is a happy memory. The anniversary of his death will be sad, but I'm still here and life is going on. Life is unpredictable. I am grateful for everything that has happened and all the friends I've made and kept. I'm happy that the people who left that I thought were friends are gone. I don't need them in my life. I'm going to watch the dvd when I get it and remember how happy singing made me then. It makes me just as happy now. I remember A making fun of me for singing Allen's suicide ballad and smiling. I couldn't help it. It wasn't the song that made me smile, it was the processing of emotions in such a positive way. They were cathartic for Allen and hearing the song and performing the song was a gift to himself. It was an honor when he let me sing it. He never liked the artistic license that I took with the melody until I successfully argued that the actual singer should get to add their own contribution (his answer to that was not to let me record it on the 8 track LOL).

I am forgiving myself for not blogging as often as I used to, it's that time. And it's perfectly normal :)