Bad Dreams

I had my first nightmare about Allen this morning. I'm staying in a fabulous condo on Mud Island and last night was the first night I couldn't get to sleep. I did have some things on my mind, but I didn't think I was that worried, I guess so LOL.

I kept waking up and laying down and finally fell asleep some time after midnight. I dreamt I went home to some basement apartment. Everything in it was white. It had windows that were short and up a the top of the walls and outside the windows were trees and the sun was shining. When I got home Allen was there. When I saw him I was ANGRY. I wanted to know how he could put me through everything I have been through. He didn't know what I was talking about. I told him the suicide, the fact that he was dead. He didn't understand why I told people he was dead. Then he said he'd have to kill himself now, because of me. Because I had already told everyone that he was dead. We had a massive fight. He tried to run out of the front door and I climbed out the window and beat him to the front door. I was determined not to let him do it, not to let him do it because of me.

I woke myself up crying.

I've been thinking, trying to decide all day what it might have meant. I'm thinking it just means I have some guilt, about not keeping him from harming himself. But I know it wasn't the answer. I know it wasn't going to be any sort of life for either one of us. I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that I've talked to others with similar depressed spouse issues, and they have done what I did not.

I have two friends who've done it. And I chose not to. It's not bad or wrong, it just wasn't for us, and that's ok. I'm not wrong and I wouldn't change anything I did.