So the Flaming Lips are going to perform tomorrow afternoon in Memphis. One of their albums in particular helped me through some of the darkest days right after Allen died. The song above was on the Batman Forever. It was the song that introduced Allen and thus myself to the Flaming Lips (I mean, I think we'd all heard She Don't Use Jelly beforehand...).
A person's age makes them of age to do things like buy alcohol legally, but it doesn't teach them to drink responsibly. Life is full of things that shape who we are. There are people who go around being busy little ants and people who are carefree grasshoppers. There was a tiny window of time at the end of 2011 when I wanted to throw away every single bit of the person I was to become someone else. I'm glad that feeling passed. I'm not a grasshopper. I am an ant. And I am proud to be that way. It doesn't mean I never have fun, but it means I am smart about it. The craziest thing I did was to go to Arizona, but I did think about it, and very carefully. I don't regret any of it. It was the really jumping off point. It was ONE of the decisions that made it ok for me to acknowledge who I have been all along. I broke a lifelong pattern of bad decisions, I decided I alone had control of my future and that I was no longer going to be stepped on by people who called themselves my friends.
I gave myself my permission to let go of anyone who made me feel bad rather than build me up, I allowed new people into my life.
My life. That's what it is. Only I can make it good or bad. By the people I allow into it, and the decisions I make.
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