It's Coming...

Only 24 more days until my birthday. I'm not a child so it's not like there's going to be a big party or anything... it's not even a "big" birthday (no fives or zeros at the end). This is going to be a strange year because this year it's really, really not a big deal.

Over the course of my marriage I learned that Allen hated, HATED birthdays and anything to do with reminding him it might at all be considered a special day. I agreed to stop making any sort of deal about his, as long as he agreed that mine could be special. And it always was... in some way.

Some years it was just the fact that he made a point to wake up in time to spend time with me before he went to work. (longer than the hour I'd sit with him on the couch in silence while he drank a pot of coffee to wake up) He made last year really special by buying me a really sweet gift that I did take out of the box piece by piece and look over and fondle right when he gave it to me (it was a Theresa Collins Stamp Maker). Other than that, it has been sitting in it's box, just like when I got it. I just haven't been able to make myself use it.

I know we went out for my birthday, but I can't for the life of me remember where. I know after we got home, I got my present, then he asked if I'd be mad if he went to sleep. I told him it was fine, of course. I never tried to stop him from sleeping, even when I wanted to beg him to stay awake and just hold me. It wouldn't have mattered. He didn't sleep half the time, he just laid there awake and not sleeping, I'd sit on this couch wishing I didn't have to be so very quiet.

This year I'll be at work, I'll be working the whole holiday weekend (my birthday always falls near Memorial Day). I'm glad I'll be working, I feel guilty when I don't miss him sometimes. I feel like it should still hurt more... but I know he wouldn't want me to hurt, he'd want me to be over it.

People keep asking what I want for my birthday.

I don't know what to tell them.

There's a million little things I'd like, and some big things as well, but none of them seem very birthday-y.

I got to go see the Addams Family Musical... that was awesome. I got a marvelous BBQ lunch from Romie's in Tupelo today... that was DELICIOUS (and being from the south, that's not something I pass out lightly to BBQ).

I know it will be ok, but the other thing is that the day before my birthday will be the 6 month anniversary from the day he died. For some reason I feel this is significant.

I don't know why about that either.

I guess I'll find out :)