Highs and Lows

I look over my old posts occasionally. I don't usually read a lot of them, I just look over the titles, tut tut myself for having such wild mood swings and then remember that those swings, they are why I started this blog.

I'm smiling right now.

There have been a few times recently when I haven't posted. The first one was a total surprise. The second one was where I was feeling so good, I didn't want to come here, to spend time where I might not be happy for even a moment. I wasn't afraid, I just was so enjoying my moment :).

And it's ok.

I called a close friend yesterday. I know there are some friends who wanted to know when I found any music that Allen used to write. I have a little on a couple of jump drives. I have some that is on some memory cards as well. I have decided that I'm giving it to them. There's nothing at all I can do with it, except listen. All this music is stuff that has not been shared with me, and I am not really interested.

That may sound cold, but I don't think so. There are things that weren't shared with me for reasons known only to Allen. I'll never know. And every day that goes by I'm more and more ok with it. The secrets are beginning to sting less.

Even if I take them badly, it's not personal. They weren't secrets because they had to do with me, they were secrets because they DIDN'T.

And...

he didn't want to hurt me.

I appreciate that he did not intend to hurt me.

I need to not hurt myself.