Six Months...

It's been almost exactly six months since my last post. I feel like I'm fairly settled in here in my new city. I love where I live, I'm close to everything, walking distance to everything I need and most of what I would want. I have a job only five miles from home, that I love. I feel like this job was meant for me to find. I learn something new every day and the environment is so encouraging and supportive, I couldn't have imagined finding a job in my field that I would love so very much.

I have the occasional panic. Sudden uncertainty, sometimes I am suddenly unsure of my decision making process. I think often of how Allen would judge the decisions I have made, or how he would react when I decide to do something or go somewhere. I feel him cringe sometimes when I vocalize things he used to do or say because it's ingrained in my mind that "it's a secret", "we don't tell people what kinds of things happen between the two of us". I feel like sometimes my feelings are exaggerated when I talk about him but I forgive myself for that because they are feelings, and sometimes they are stronger than others. Also, they were shoved down for so long, I'm surprised sometimes that there haven't been more harsh ones to deal with.

I would do it all again, I think I've said that before. Not because I want to, but because I do so love who I am right now, even with the occasional uncertainty.

Yesterday I felt weirdly emotional all day. It's not that time of the month but the roller coaster that was my emotional state sure felt like it. I'm not a hundred percent what was up, I watched one of my fav shows and there was a shocking death of a character so the show turned into one of those "how short life really is" things. I sobbed like my best friend had died and felt like I couldn't cope for a bit.

I also had a bit of a time this weekend where I felt there was some music I just didn't want to hear, like it would bring up too many bad feelings. I remembered hearing these songs over and over and drowning in the sad that permeated the house and I just couldn't deal with it. The last time I remember asking NOT to hear a song, was at work. It was right after I started and "Wish You Were Here" started playing and I asked if we could please change the station. The song has played many times since, and it's been fine. I'm not sure why it was so strong this weekend.

It does get better, the feeling of being so closely tied to something terrible that happened, and there are times I want to feel like I'll never think about it again... but I don't really believe that will happen. I dunno. I feel like if I'm bringing him up over and over that it's on my mind for some reason. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is coming, is almost here. I always used to think about him and his mother and their problems, hell they were OUR problems. You can't really be in a relationship and have problems that are just your own. Your mood affects your partner's mood. You can't help it.

I'll be giving this some more thought as I'm pretty sure that's the only way to get over it.

Hugs