All Your Bad Days Will End

So the Flaming Lips are going to perform tomorrow afternoon in Memphis. One of their albums in particular helped me through some of the darkest days right after Allen died. The song above was on the Batman Forever. It was the song that introduced Allen and thus myself to the Flaming Lips (I mean, I think we'd all heard She Don't Use Jelly beforehand...).

A person's age makes them of age to do things like buy alcohol legally, but it doesn't teach them to drink responsibly. Life is full of things that shape who we are. There are people who go around being busy little ants and people who are carefree grasshoppers. There was a tiny window of time at the end of 2011 when I wanted to throw away every single bit of the person I was to become someone else. I'm glad that feeling passed. I'm not a grasshopper. I am an ant. And I am proud to be that way. It doesn't mean I never have fun, but it means I am smart about it. The craziest thing I did was to go to Arizona, but I did think about it, and very carefully. I don't regret any of it. It was the really jumping off point. It was ONE of the decisions that made it ok for me to acknowledge who I have been all along. I broke a lifelong pattern of bad decisions, I decided I alone had control of my future and that I was no longer going to be stepped on by people who called themselves my friends.

I gave myself my permission to let go of anyone who made me feel bad rather than build me up, I allowed new people into my life.

My life. That's what it is. Only I can make it good or bad. By the people I allow into it, and the decisions I make.

Milestones... small but significant

I passed a milestone today quite unexpectedly. I didn't even know this would be one, but I think it is and I think it's important!

I was meeting a client for a petsitting job and there were some questions that I answered that implied that I was no longer married, but not once did I say that my spouse was dead. And I certainly didn't use the phrase "he hung himself in our garage." As pitiful as it may sound, that phrase or "he's dead" or "he died" are all that I've been able to come up with so far. Tonight I carefully worded my answers so that I wouldn't call any extra attention to the fact that I was not currently married.

It felt great!

Wedding Anniversary

It was sixteen years ago today that I got married to my first husband. This is the first anniversary without him, but not the first to go uncelebrated as a couple. The anniversaries that we actually celebrated were years: 1, 5, 10.

Last year he was too depressed. And I was hurt, I wanted to be important and for the day to be special and celebrated in SOME way.

Today was nowhere near what I expected. The day started with an email from Allen's mother that freaked me out. It was nice, but it freaked me out. Then my mom called and left a message that I refuse to listen to because the voice transcription in my email made me sad to read it. I was very short tempered and what my sister told me was "hypersensitive" all morning. At lunch I posted on FB that it WAS the anniversary of the wedding and that I was ok in hopes of stopping people from contacting me with "that" tone in their voice because I cant stand it. And this afternoon I felt the funk lifting, I went to dinner with a GREAT girlfriend of mine and we laughed and talked for a few hours. It was GREAT. (and yes, I had A drink but that means only 1).

I thought this day was going to be SO MUCH WORSE than it was.

It really wasn't bad at all, I mean I really thought I'd be crying and depressed.

huh!

Yay me.

It's almost the date...

It's almost the date that used to be my wedding anniversary. People tell me that I can still call it that. I don't want to. I want some other words for it. Allen promised me after we got married that we'd celebrate the ones that ended with 5 and 0... barring the first. He said we didn't need to celebrate every year.

He didn't.

Last year was 15 years. We did not celebrate, he didn't feel like it.

I'm not saying I wanted a big gift, but I wanted the day to be special. We certainly argued about the date long enough. I originally wanted to get married on Halloween so we wouldn't be stuck expected to wear a white dress and a tux. I wanted it to be FUN. I wanted it to be us.  

I wanted to hear the words Happy Anniversary every year. I wanted to know it meant as much to him that we dedicated our lives to one another. I'd rather have had him forget the actual date than to just watch it go by.

When you think about it these are the ones we had to celebrate by his "rules": 1,5,10,15.

That's not very many.

I've always kind of felt bad about the not celebrating of our anniversary. It's a something I should have fought for. Maybe. 

Maybe it'll be easier because it'll be more normal?

It's weird because most days I don't really think about it. I guess I only thought about it today because I'm off work and noticed the date. 

Maybe that's why I had that dream the other day.

Bad Dreams

I had my first nightmare about Allen this morning. I'm staying in a fabulous condo on Mud Island and last night was the first night I couldn't get to sleep. I did have some things on my mind, but I didn't think I was that worried, I guess so LOL.

I kept waking up and laying down and finally fell asleep some time after midnight. I dreamt I went home to some basement apartment. Everything in it was white. It had windows that were short and up a the top of the walls and outside the windows were trees and the sun was shining. When I got home Allen was there. When I saw him I was ANGRY. I wanted to know how he could put me through everything I have been through. He didn't know what I was talking about. I told him the suicide, the fact that he was dead. He didn't understand why I told people he was dead. Then he said he'd have to kill himself now, because of me. Because I had already told everyone that he was dead. We had a massive fight. He tried to run out of the front door and I climbed out the window and beat him to the front door. I was determined not to let him do it, not to let him do it because of me.

I woke myself up crying.

I've been thinking, trying to decide all day what it might have meant. I'm thinking it just means I have some guilt, about not keeping him from harming himself. But I know it wasn't the answer. I know it wasn't going to be any sort of life for either one of us. I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that I've talked to others with similar depressed spouse issues, and they have done what I did not.

I have two friends who've done it. And I chose not to. It's not bad or wrong, it just wasn't for us, and that's ok. I'm not wrong and I wouldn't change anything I did.

Not Guilty

I was feeling very guilty about not blogging here every day. But it's not as important as it used to be. It's only important now if I think of something I want to talk about. Things don't come up so often. I made contact with someone from my/our past recently. A relationship that had ended badly. Friendships severed for ridiculous reasons. P had the most awesome news. He has a dvd of Allen playing a song I thought was lost forever. I don't remember the lyrics, he wrote it for his father who committed suicide. I only remember little snatches of it.

Allen and I were a singing duo for a minute in college, when we were friends, before we ever went out. We called ourselves "Into the Moment". We both wrote songs (this means I wrote 1 song LOL). I sang and he played guitar. No gigs or anything although some friends heard us play a bit and I used to sing all the time... I'm getting back there :)

Anyway I was dating P at the time and Allen and myself and P's friend A were all hanging out and performing different songs and stuff, there was a camcorder involved and miraculously P has that video on a dvd now. He said he'd send it to me asap, but warned me it might be hard to watch.

Music has been so important to me, I lost it for a while. It's not to me like it is to some people, but the right music can put me in the emotional frame I am trying to get to. It helps pull me out of my funk when I need out, it helps me cry when I can't make the tears come myself. I heard the song Time of Your Life by Green Day today. I cried just a little.

It's the only song by Green Day I can name off the top of my head. When I first heard it I thought it would be an awesome song to play at a funeral. Now I think it's fitting for people who have come through a big change and come out on top. I'm not really sure why I cried today. I'm sure I'll cry again... I am a girl after all :).  I truly believe I have made it through the worst time. I don't know, what used to be my wedding anniversary is coming but really how sad can it be. That day is a happy memory. The anniversary of his death will be sad, but I'm still here and life is going on. Life is unpredictable. I am grateful for everything that has happened and all the friends I've made and kept. I'm happy that the people who left that I thought were friends are gone. I don't need them in my life. I'm going to watch the dvd when I get it and remember how happy singing made me then. It makes me just as happy now. I remember A making fun of me for singing Allen's suicide ballad and smiling. I couldn't help it. It wasn't the song that made me smile, it was the processing of emotions in such a positive way. They were cathartic for Allen and hearing the song and performing the song was a gift to himself. It was an honor when he let me sing it. He never liked the artistic license that I took with the melody until I successfully argued that the actual singer should get to add their own contribution (his answer to that was not to let me record it on the 8 track LOL).

I am forgiving myself for not blogging as often as I used to, it's that time. And it's perfectly normal :)

Learning about me

I feel like I learn more about myself all the time, I guess it's because I'm spending so much time with me now :).

I spent several hours today at my actual house, did some laundry and went for a run. The more time I'm away from that space, the harder it is for me to find myself in the things that are there. It's like they were mine... even the newer stuff. The new things that re there are lovely, but they were chosen quickly and I was "helped" a good bit :).

The only thing I'm not really fond of at all, is the big brown chair. It's comfy, but given more time and shopping, I think it could have been a much better anything...

The stuff that was tucked away but is now sitting out makes me happy. The rest of it, eh...

I don't know, the place feels like it has no soul in it now. I don't know if it's because no one is really living there right now or what. It doesn't make me sad, or anything really... it's just there. A container for belongings. It's weird.

I also am almost ready to go through stuff on shelves again and "thin out" more stuff. Some books are just there because they are on my list of things I might want to read... but I have a library card now :).

I don't want to hold on to anything for the sake of "having" it. I did that for far too long.