Being True to Myself... and my Therapy Blog

I've been needing to blog this week, but I've been in denial. Sleepless nights have proved to me that I can't just try to keep things inside. I know better, I've spent months learning better. I took 1/2 a benedryl last night to ensure I could sleep. I'd not had much sleep at all for various reasons since Saturday night, where I stayed up way too late scrapping then chatting.

I have made some hard decisions lately, and they are scary.

This weekend I am taking what is left of Allen back to Alabama. I've said and said I'm done with the ashes and he didn't want me holding on to them anyway, and I AM done with them. It's time I don't have anything feeling like it's physically weighing me down. His ashes are going to his mother. She already has some, but when I asked if she'd like some more she said yes. Enough said.

I'm going to have lunch with his mom and Nana. I just am dreading being made to feel weird. Before Allen died, they always let me know that they thought I wasn't up to their social standards. I always thought it was weird, his mom grew up on a farm, much like the country atmosphere I grew up in, but they actually had cows. We had gardens and a well, but no livestock. PawPaw was the only one who treated me like normal people. Like I didn't have to be shown manners (I never once wiped my hand on my sleeve or arm I swear!) I have always been as much myself as I could be (allen permitting) around these people. But I was raised feeling free to speak my mind and give my input on things (stuff they didn't really want to hear unless it agreed with what they already thought).

Anyway I'm getting off point. I'm not really afraid of them, I just don't know how to act. All of a sudden people who didn't have anything to do with me for years want me to be a part of their lives. They want me to stay in touch because they feel (I'm guessing) that I'm some sort of link to Allen. And really, I'm not. I can't link them to anything they chose to not be a part of. I can't help them to know him better. Hell, I was married to him and right now, this minute, I don't really feel I knew him.

I just want to move forward. I don't want to be sucked into anything or any relationship that is going to be weird and mired in the past. I've told them I'm moving, I've told them (and not you until now) that I'm getting rid of this house.

I'm trying a short sale, but if that doesn't work I'm choosing the deed in leiu of foreclosure option. The people at the mortgage co. are so nice. As soon as you tell them our spouse committed suicide in the house THAT YOU STILL LIVE IN they stop trying to talk you into staying.

The way the house is going is terribly emotional for me. as much as I try not to, I feel kind of like a loser. It doesn't matter how much I didn't want to live here in the beginning, I still agreed. It's called honoring your spouse, and it BURNS sometimes, I mean physically there is pain when I consider all the uncharitylike things I did for so many years!! I want to scram out and find out WHY I DIDN"T MATTER MORE! Why?

So I'm going to Bama, I haven't even told my Mom yet, because I don't really want to have a bad experience with her. I'm tired of feeling judged. I just want her to respect me and my opinions and the way I want to live my life. I have tried for many years to just stay respectful of the things she has done.

Wow, it really comes pouring out like tapping a Maple tree thick with sap, huh?

I am planning to visit some new friends and old ones. I am hoping the weather is going to be ok. It's supposed to rain. I just want a safe trip on top of everything else.

The house is weird, it's becoming the time of year the house got decorated. Fall/Halloween/Thanksgiving. The orange and black and purple and red, I don't know if I want to dig stuff out. I don't know how much of it I'll move with me. Right now I know I will take the jackolantern candy jar I painted this spring at paint a piece. It's mine. Some things here don't feel like they are mine. So I'm thinking if it's not mine, it can't live with me.

My company is taking the employees to the fair next week. I just found out that one of my friends' spouses thinks it's weird that I'm so excited to go, because I went with Allen last year.

I didn't feel weird at all until then and now I keep asking myself if I should feel weird. I keep coming up with no as an answer but wonder if people will judge me if I go.

I don't want to be judged.

I just want people to live their lives and let me live mine.

Birthdays gone

August 2nd would have been Allen's birthday. He would have been 38. It wasn't hard. I planned for some sad time, but really didn't get sad. He had a strict "no acknowledging my birthday" policy which was always hard for me. Birthdays were always the one day you got to pick what you wanted for dinner and everyone seemed just a bit nicer when I was growing up. I wasn't going to do anything at all, but then it was suggested that I at least get some cupcakes or something and I did. I spent the morning at home alone. Then I packed up some scrapbook supplies and headed to my friend P's house for the day (after stopping by my FAVORITE cupcakery here). We scrapped and chatted and enjoyed the most delicious cupcakes.

It wasn't sad. It was ok. It was nice to be able to say out loud it was his birthday and cringe every time his phone rang because he didn't take calls on his birthday. He really didn't like them.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for a 3 year old. My co-worker's granddaughter. It was a ton of fun. And I met a very special person there. I actually knew in advance that he MIGHT be there and that made it even more important for me to stop by. I met the man who picked up Allen's body. He is actually the one who cut him down.

He answered questions for me that no one else would, but he was so careful with his words. He answered slowly and kept asking if I was ok. I was. I really wanted to know the few things that he told me. I told him that my neighbor refused to tell me any details about what he found, and that we were no longer speaking to one another. He seemed surprised at that, but he doesn't really know my neighbor so... oh well :).

I felt relieved after we spoke.

Relieved to know that tiny bit of information that I couldn't quite work out in my head.

Knowledge is power!