Surprises about Living Alone... or Thinking Problems LOL

I have lived far to long to have just experienced "Iron Poor Blood." Maybe it's Geritol time for me :).

Anyway I noticed yesterday that I was strangely overly tired and so when I got off work I ran some errands that included some groceries and came "home" to rest. (Home is in quotes because I'm petsitting in someone else's fabulous home.)

I'be been reading a lot and eating fruit, crackers, leftover cupcakes and just snacky type items. There has been food like fruit and stuff at work so I haven't been cooking and I've been not dropping by and picking up burgers and I know I should be eating better but it's been enough. But yesterday I was SO tired.

By last night my head was really fuzzy and I was having trouble putting thoughts together and reading wasn't going well and blast it, something was WRONG! So I did what ladies do, I called a girlfriend, described my symptoms and then she asked me a couple of questions and then tells me that my iron is low and I need vitamins and red meat ASAP. This is impossible at the moment because I don't even think I can walk down the three flights of stairs to my car in my current condition. So I start reading labels, eat some yogurt and a big salad, feel a bit better and go to bed.

This morning I ate more yogurt, some peanuts that were at work and then went and bought vitamins with extra iron, spinach for salad, and some red meat LOL. I can't tell you what a relief it is to have my brain functioning at a higher capacity again.

I also feel like an idiot for not taking better care of myself. I hate cooking for one, but I went ahead and made extra steak for dinner tonight and either tonight or tomorrow I can cook some hamburger patties to have with more salad :).

It's easy and not too fattening... I have a George Foreman to grill on :)

But let this serve as a warning to anyone newly single... or living by themselves... you have to eat right (even when you don't want to). The sad thing is, I didn't think I was doing so badly, I just need to make way more of an effort. :)

It's all good. At least I know what I like :)

Reading

I've been doing things since Allen died that I have always taken great pleasure in, but for some reason I haven't done them so much in recent years. I've been listening to music and reading.

I started listening to music right after he died. Before I got really sad, and before he got so very, very depressed, he used to introduce me to new music. He also used to put down my music (I am a product of my generation so I do allow myself a certain amount of hair metal bands...). I like a bit of every kind of music. I can't say that I hate all of any particular genre... I particularly like music that is happy and makes me feel good... and the stuff I know the words to. I love to sing. It makes me happy. I had practically stopped doing it at all by November. Now there's almost no day that goes by where I don't sing SOMETHING.

I read a book for my birthday, I read another today. And I've started a third.

It feels marvelous to be devouring fiction without someone telling me that I'm reading pointless literature. The first book I read this year was recommended to me and it was a short story. It was very special and a very me type book.

It's nice to know that someone cares enough to learn about you and simply recommend something that they think would appeal to you, and for them to get it exactly right... it's magical!

6 Months and 1 Birthday Down

Yesterday was a day I have been dreading for months. It was the six month anniversary of his death. I don't know why I thought the six month mark would be such a big deal, except that it was the day before my birthday, which was today.

I woke up and was sad for a few minutes in the morning. I did cry, but just a bit and thought about six months ago. Then I got up, dressed and did my petsitting deeds and then went to help a friend with some tasks around her house that needed more than one person to do them :).

It wasn't anywhere near what I expected to go through when he first died. I was glad I had plans to do something and glad I had allowed myself to grieve when I first woke up. My therapist said I needed to allot time for these feelings, so I never tried to smother them, I just gave in and let them out.

It was hardly worth mentioning.

Today started with me waking up and remembering my previous birthdays. Mine was the only birthday we celebrated. He didn't even want his acknowledged. I remembered that at some point on my birthday I usually cry every year. After I remembered that something usually happened that made me want to cry on my birthday I went ahead and gave in to the tears. I felt good because they were normal. The tone of the messages that were being left on my phone were not. While I was with my friend the day before people kept checking on me to see if I needed to do something on my actual birthday.

The last thing I wanted for today was "pity" plans. I went out with my friends J and A because they usually either take me out for a movie and meal or cook for me on or near my birthday. They've done it several years in a row now and that made it a totally normal birthday activity. I'm not going to lie, I thought about cancelling those plans all day long. But I didn't and it made me so very happy. A even make special cupcakes for me that are baked inside of icecream cones... YUM!! I had a really nice evening. And, I read a book today :)

I read the Hunger Games. It was way better than I expected (I did hate one minor part, but overall give the book a B++).

I did eventually call everyone back that had left messages for me this morning, when I felt I could talk no matter what they said.

I really think it could have been a terrible day, but not for Wonder Woman!

Today I am 37.

It was a good day.

Erratica

I feel a tiny bit guilty when I think... there's nothing to post, so I don't. I really and truly try to spend a little time each and every day finding something to write about that is on my mind, that has to do with stuff. But it doesn't always happen that way. I'm ok with it now, or ok with the fact that sometimes I'm just really, really happy and nothing comes to mind.

Today has been only a tiny bit different. Most of today I was so busy at work I didn't even get time for as many bathroom breaks as I would have like LOL. We had patients out the wazoo, and our kennel is full for the holiday so it was really noisy.

But on the way home I remembered that tomorrow is not only the day before the first birthday that I'll be alone, but tomorrow is exactly six months from the date that it happened. It was a date I had been dreading... now that it's only hours away from happening, I kind of feel like I did before Y2K. I feel like nothing is going to happen and things are going to be fine. But I feel I need to make some sort of stupid preparation just in case.

This time I can't just get some bottled water and call it good though, I have some petsitting work plans and some help out a friend plans. I think that'll be good. I'm really thinking everything is going to be normal... and it's stuff I'd do anyway.

I have similar stuff planned for Sunday. I'm sure it'll be fine.

:)

Again... totally relaxed

I'm petsitting away from home again. I love it here. River views, a massage chair, sweet kitties and I actually watched a television program as it was being broadcast last night. It's awesome! I'm so tired. I worked my hiney off today and reached some milestones.

I successfully prepped for the procedure I was assisting with alone... no help from anyone else, and I did it all right. I prepared discharge instructions that were perfect, and I logged all my drugs that needed to be logged. (I like to celebrate the small stuff). I haven't freaked out at all that my birthday is coming up (this weekend). It's going to be ok.

I am ok.

In fact, I'm pretty great!!!

Another Milestone

When I was in Bama over the weekend, I received an envelope left for me from Allen's mom. It was some stuff leftover from his childhood. It was a really sweet gesture. I didn't know how to feel about it at first. By now I have exchanged a few emails with her to let her know that while I appreciate her generosity, I'm moving forward and these tokens from a time when I didn't know Allen, that he never wanted to talk about or share with me, aren't things I need. I was so glad she understood.

Today I set his cellphone back to it's factory settings. I copied off the photos and then directly deleted the whole sheebang so that I could use it. I broke the screen on my own phone and his was the same type phone from the same carrier so I took it in and had it activated for me. I thought I would feel something... something sad. I almost talked myself into it, but this just proves to me that I AM good. I'm going forward and it's awesome.

Then Again...

I did have a good visit to Alabama, but this was the very first time that I felt like JUST a visitor. It was kind of weird. I noticed things that usually don't really bother me, and I felt like I didn't belong. I enjoyed my folks, but had agonized over where I might stay because I knew nowhere was going to feel... like home.

I'm giving my Mom some props here... she didn't start the "why don't you move back here" stuff that drives me up a wall, so I could talk to her. My Dad was acting super parental and asking me tons of questions which was GREAT. It was like hey, you can make your own decisions but I care and want you to know I'm here.

I went to "mend" some fences with someone from my past. It was the bf I had before I had my Allen. That relationship did not end on the best of notes and long story short, he had been trying to bring some decent closure to that for years with me just wanting to never deal with it (because Allen wouldn't have it of course). So I popped by on the off chance that he would be there, met his wife and daughter and we had a great talk.

I felt better than I have in a long time.

Also I think that it helped move the new me to a new level.

Actually I feel like this whole trip to Bama was to show me that I have transformed into the different person... that I may still be morphing but I am so far from where I was.

It was weird and special and incredible all at the same time.

Thanks Universe.

It Does Get Easier

I've been visiting family this weekend. I'll be heading back home this afternoon. I drove down on Friday way later than I expected, and then I chose some "unusual behavior" for myself.

Normally when I drive down to my Mom's I get here and then stay up WAY later just chatting with Mom. Then I'm exhausted and cranky and have to caffeine load and drive home half asleep. This time I drove down (I DID get off work a couple of hours later than anticipated), chatted for just a moment and then went to sleep. She did seem surprised, but she didn't act disappointed.

I woke up early on Saturday and we went to my favorite thrift store and then drove to my Sister's new place. We grilled out with my sisters for lunch then drove back to her house so I could change and drive to the "river" (a little house located on the bank of a river) to hang with some friends of mine that I've had since high school and some friends of theirs... and some of their mothers (and their kids). I had a wonderful time. It was great visiting with my friends.

These are friends that although they had met Allen, they didn't really know him because we never spent any time in Clanton as a married couple. They treated me the same as they always have. I have visited with them several times over the years, not a lot because usually if I made it this far South I mostly just saw family.

My favorite thing so far is that my mother didn't make a fuss over me going to visit with them. She didn't cry, or accuse me of not wanting to spend time with her. Also, she hasn't mentioned one word about me moving back to this state to live closer to her.

As a side note I have been frustrated by the gimpy wifi here. But when I drove to the river, I was totally sans phone connection.

I'm also really proud that didn't send me in to a full fledged panic attack :).

It was good for me to be disconnected. I got back to mothers before she and her husband returned from their evening out, and was in bed at a decent hour.

Is it weird that it's taken me so long to have such a good visit where I'm not just exhausted the whole time I'm here?

And as a side note, will I ever learn to use sunblock? I got sunburned grilling out at my sister's LOL.

The Importance of Ritual

People have rituals, and they are important in your day to day life. It may be as simple as a cup of coffee right after you wake up, before you do anything else, maybe it's that you sleep on the right side of the bed, or it could even be that you always take a bubble bath before putting your pajamas on then going to bed.
Whatever your rituals, they are important. If they are disturbed, then it's hard for you to carry on with your normal routine.
I think it's part of why things in general seem so overwhelming and hard when a spouse dies. They are a part of your day to day ritual. And until you accept and establish new rituals, everything is off.

I feel I have re-established some rituals for myself. It has made life in general so much easier. I think it's part of the same concept as to why some husbands and wives don't sleep well if their spouse isn't home with them "like normal" at night. They are just used to each other's nightly rituals.

It's sometimes the little things that you don't notice.

It really is the little things that are so important :)

And the Healing has Expanded!

I talked to Allen's Nana today. I wanted to see if I could drop a box off for his parents at her house and thus visit with her when I go to Alabama. She said it was fine. She was happy. Really happy! I could hear it in her voice. She said that it was SO GOOD to talk to me. Then she told me that his mom was having something made for me, and that she wasn't mad or upset or holding anything against me.

Ever think that something wasn't actually weighing on you and then find out it was?

It's a pretty weird feeling.

I cried.

I cried after I got off the phone with Nana. I don't even know why, it was just so awesome to find out that his mom doesn't blame me or hold anything against me. I mean, I did everything that I could do... or that I thought I could anyway.

I DO want to see Nana. I miss her. I miss having grandparents. They are awesome... like parents only less judgemental.

;)

Sweet Home Alabama!

So I have always considered that state my home state. I lived in Mississippi for 9 years, I've lived in Memphis for 7. I lived in Alabama for the first 21 years of my life.

When I lived and worked in Mississippi, people used to ask me how long I was going to live there before I would say I was from there. The answer was "I am never going to say I am from Mississippi."

Staying in a house that was so comfortable has really gotten me to thinking about the idea of "home" again. And all the connotations that go with that word. I still think of the state of Alabama as my home. I love visiting there. I hate sleeping there because I don't get a lot of actual sleep when I visit. Either I'm sitting up all night to speak with my friends, or I'm trying to spend the night at a parent's house and I don't sleep very well at those either. I'm going to visit this weekend. I haven't decided where I'm going to stay yet, but I have to do that by tomorrow LOL. There are also a few other people I need to check with. Ideally I will stay with someone who has wifi... it's weird but my preference. I don't like being anywhere that I can't be online should I feel the need. I didn't used to feel so desperate about the internet, but the fact that I might be somewhere it's not is scary to me now.

All my friends are here, or at least the friends that check on me every day. The friends that are my family. I'm never alone as long as I can log on to check on them... and they watch for me too.

It's nice to have someone make sure you are ok. It's important really.

It's quiet and lovely right now.

I hear birds chirping and the sun is shining but it's not hot outside.

I'm not the only person who has really noticed that this year seems different somehow. I know why it seems different to me, but others are having a different year for different reasons. It makes me wonder if the Mayans were right. I know there are things I am DEFINATELY doing this year before Decmeber... just in case ;)

Other than that it feels pretty good to be me right now (minus the allergies).

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch...

I'm at home tonight. I had a wonderful day (except for sinus pain... LOL which I have a lot, but haven't had this year as bad as most).  I woke up at the relaxing dog sitting house, played with, fed and walked the dogs. I got dressed, straightened my hair, put on a tiny bit of makeup and some decent clothes, then went to the movies. I got to see the Avengers. I had been listening to The Geek Show Podcast which is the only podcast I am currently listening to with any kind of frequency, now that music is in my life again. I did listen to the spoiler episode... they warned me, but I am not as familiar with the Marvel universe as I am the DC universe and I wanted to make sure I picked up on everything I was supposed to. I went with my friend J and her mom A.

Avengers was AWESOME, and I got to see an extended Dark Knight Rises trailer before the movie. I did have a moment, on the way to the movie. I had a moment thinking about all the awesome movies that I was supposed to be seeing this year with a partner that was also looking forward to these movies. I had a moment where I was sad that he wasn't seeing them... then I remembered that it was his choice.

Choices seem to be a theme that run through super hero movies. I kept focusing on the dialog that felt aimed at me. We all have choices, every day. I have made the choices that have kept me going. It wasn't always my choice to keep going, but I had sense enough to listen to the people who said "get up". Not everyone will tell you to do that, not even the people who are supposed to love you and take care of you. Not getting up has never really felt like an option to me.

My surroundings for the most part are soothing and calm. The doghouse where I was this weekend had a lot of similar design principles going on that I have applied in my own home. I think the difference is mojo. Or maybe a combination of the fact that I associate only good memories with those spaces. We as humans can give power to things that deserve none. Words, and deeds are power, thoughts and feelings convey power too. It's the same thing as when people tell you that you need to smile when you talk on the phone because people can hear a smile in your voice... they can.

My friend J told me about a book she was reading on how to change the subconscious. Mostly it's by changing "I will" statements to "I am" statements and self-visualization. My favorite part of this is the fact that I have been doing this without really understanding that it was what I was doing. Now that I know the effect this can have, I'm going to work on it with more effort.

:)

Change of Place

I've been petsitting in a different city since Thursday. I've noticed SEVERAL things since getting here.

1. Apparently it's NOT unusual for a single woman to have nothing to eat, LOL

2. This house is so AMAZINGLY calm and soothing. I have felt such peace here and slept so well here.

3. Going by my house to pick up things... it's like it's not even my house, it's just the place where my stuff is. I just run in, grab stuff and run out. And, it feels awesome not to be there.

I'm actually surprised about number 3. I kept thinking that paint and move the furniture around, get rid of stuff that isn't me and the place would feel like mine. Nope. It doesn't. I don't know if there is bad mojo in the house, if I am just associating bad things there or what. I just know that every day that goes by my desire to no longer live at that house gets stronger.

I don't want to invest time or money into it, I just want away. I'm not really upset about it either. I thought that it would be hard, when I tell people they say they don't think they could ever leave or that they never would have gone inside that house again.

I think (and this is what I tell people) if we'd had children, if that had been the home of the "family" then I'd probably feel differently. But, it's not.

Don't worry, when I leave, it will be with purpose and I will have somewhere to go. I'm really very happy. I've had the best day ever today. And it's my last night in this house. I got home to THAT house for a week, then I have several weeks downtown in a LOVELY setting that I CAN'T WAIT to get to. It's a 3 story condo with balconies and river views. It's perfectly lovely!

:)

The Universe can encourage you :)

I believe that there are outside forces which help rule our lives. We decide how much we let them help. Some call them angels or demons, some call it karma... for the purposes of this post, I'm calling it the universe.

I know I have mentioned getting rid of things over and over again. Some things have been easy, and some have been hard. Some things I just haven't known WHAT to do with. The universe decided it had a plan for my extra cell phone today. I damaged my phone last summer. I don't even know how, I'd dropped it several times. That day I didn't drop it. I just walked around with it in my back pocket... and when I took it out later, it was broken.

I may have backed into a door or wall or something just right, who knows?

Anyway... today was SUPPOSED to be my day off. I got asked to come in (via text), so I did. We wound up working really, really late. Then for the next few days I have two petsitting jobs. One is just a driveby... let the pets eat and then walk twice a day... one is a spend the night job. It's a new place where I've never spent the night before. As I was walking the driveby pets today, my phone fell out of my pocket. The top portion on the front of my phone (yes, it's an iphone) shattered. A small piece of glass fell out.

I had been wondering why I was just holding on to Allen's phone... now I think mine is broken because I held on to his...

I need to let go. That's my lesson. It's ok. I'm ready now. It stays in a drawer with no power... it's ok. I'm calm and smiling and ready to do it. I probably won't get to until a day or so from now... but my phone still works... it just is gross looking and I'm afraid more glass is going to fall out of it.

We have to listen when that voice tells us to do something, or the universe will make something happen.

Using his phone, therefore deleting all his stuff to put mine on there... it's another way to make sure that I'm not keeping anything stuck in the past. You can't be stuck, you have to move forward.

I'm going :)

Revisiting Old? Friendships

I texted my neighbor for some help this week, yup... THAT neighbor. He is a wonder at household maintenance and would make a lovely husband for a man who could keep him in the manner he would love to be kept (which is first class all the way). I'm getting off topic. I texted Monday for some help, my A/C hasn't been working right, and the last time I called a "real" repairman, it was expensive and didn't last long. So I texted him, asked him for help, told him how much I could pay and amazingly it was repaired while I was still at work on Monday. I delivered payment and chatted for a minute, then I went home.

Tuesday I agreed to go look at some property and that wound up being a several hours long adventure that reminded me why I didn't at all mind not being in touch with him for so long. I mean, really. If you ask someone to do one thing, don't assume they'll do all your errands with you like they have no life of their own. (Even if you do buy them dinner.)

So Today when he texted me for a favor, I said I didn't want to do it and he started blowing up my phone about it, I wasn't really shocked so much as surprised at how quickly all the frustration came pouring back. My blood pressure went up. It was amazing.

He has forgotten I'm Wonder Woman.

I wonder what the least messy way to remind him is...

Really, They're gone...

I took the pet toys out of the house today. I sent Sayuri and Starbuck's (now known as Syrup and Star) favorite toys to them at their new home. I took the extras (I had a LOT of cat toys) to one of my docs at work who said his cat would love some new toys. I took the dog toys that were still in the house and gave them to my neighbor for his puppy.

So that basket that used to be full of toys is empty. It feels like a chapter has completely closed now... I don't know why I was hanging on to them except that the basket has always had pet toys in it...

I'm not sad.

It's a good thing :)

Not so Hard to Handle

I texted my neighbor to ask for help today. I haven't initiated contact with him since our falling out. He has asked me to let out his dog, and to please come look when it's face was swollen. I did the things he asked of me, but I've been very careful not to ask for anything in return.

My AC hasn't been working. I knew he could fix it, if he only would, and I knew I could negotiate a fair price with him. One we could both live with. I had a meeting with a new petsitting client after work and so I got home really late this evening.

I had texted to ask if he could work on my air this week, then I texted and told him how much it was worth to me (in dollars).

When I got home from meeting with my new client, there was a note in the door that my air was repaired. He accepted the amount I told him I could pay. No haggling... and that was it. When I took him his money, we visited a bit. It was ok. Not weird, he wasn't trying to get me to agree to do anything back for him, and wasn't prying into what I have going on.

It was really nice. And it felt like I was establishing myself in a new place. I feel like maybe, just maybe he knows I'm no longer a doormat.

I know it's a weird thing for a grown person to say... but really I'm not a doormat.

I used to let myself get treated like one.

It's nice to have the confidence not to do that anymore.

:)

Between you and me, it was a really scary thing to do. But I did it!

Relationship Dynamics

I have enjoyed close relationships with male friends for many years. Before and during college, my best friends were all male. There were just too few females that I trusted to get close to.

I have recently come to the understanding that because I am now single, at least some of my married male friends I need to start holding at a distance, because now, I am a single woman, which can be viewed as a threat.

I hate this.

But I can't blame them, it's scary. It's especially scary since I share so much history with some of them. I'd probably be scared of me too.

Something else new...

Thinking Time

For many years Allen complained that I wasn't introspective enough. My argument was that he was introspective enough for the both of us, and that I already knew myself. :)
I did know myself and my place as his wife. I am learning about myself all the time now. It's good to learn things.

Sometimes my thoughts for these blog posts come quick and easy. They used to just seem to be waiting for me to sit and collect them together and type them up. Sometimes now, they are hard and that's why I haven't been as diligent. A month ago I think it would have felt impossible that I might not have some thoughts I needed to write through. Now it seems normal enough, and that is a good thing. It's good to grow, and learn. It's good to let go of fear and pain. It's good to allow change to happen in your life (in mine).

I do like the woman I am. I am happy to report that. There are still so many things I want to see and do with my life, and I feel that I can make these things happen. I am not sure how, but I'm excited to find out.

It's Coming...

Only 24 more days until my birthday. I'm not a child so it's not like there's going to be a big party or anything... it's not even a "big" birthday (no fives or zeros at the end). This is going to be a strange year because this year it's really, really not a big deal.

Over the course of my marriage I learned that Allen hated, HATED birthdays and anything to do with reminding him it might at all be considered a special day. I agreed to stop making any sort of deal about his, as long as he agreed that mine could be special. And it always was... in some way.

Some years it was just the fact that he made a point to wake up in time to spend time with me before he went to work. (longer than the hour I'd sit with him on the couch in silence while he drank a pot of coffee to wake up) He made last year really special by buying me a really sweet gift that I did take out of the box piece by piece and look over and fondle right when he gave it to me (it was a Theresa Collins Stamp Maker). Other than that, it has been sitting in it's box, just like when I got it. I just haven't been able to make myself use it.

I know we went out for my birthday, but I can't for the life of me remember where. I know after we got home, I got my present, then he asked if I'd be mad if he went to sleep. I told him it was fine, of course. I never tried to stop him from sleeping, even when I wanted to beg him to stay awake and just hold me. It wouldn't have mattered. He didn't sleep half the time, he just laid there awake and not sleeping, I'd sit on this couch wishing I didn't have to be so very quiet.

This year I'll be at work, I'll be working the whole holiday weekend (my birthday always falls near Memorial Day). I'm glad I'll be working, I feel guilty when I don't miss him sometimes. I feel like it should still hurt more... but I know he wouldn't want me to hurt, he'd want me to be over it.

People keep asking what I want for my birthday.

I don't know what to tell them.

There's a million little things I'd like, and some big things as well, but none of them seem very birthday-y.

I got to go see the Addams Family Musical... that was awesome. I got a marvelous BBQ lunch from Romie's in Tupelo today... that was DELICIOUS (and being from the south, that's not something I pass out lightly to BBQ).

I know it will be ok, but the other thing is that the day before my birthday will be the 6 month anniversary from the day he died. For some reason I feel this is significant.

I don't know why about that either.

I guess I'll find out :)

Wanted to Share

Because these things are never shared... and I'm not sure what it means. I know it's a song. (I have typed it exactly as written in the notebook...)

Gemini Complex
she is an agent of cause
Effect does not give her pause
Turn it Out
Turn it Out

Free Spirit chained to the floor
Mercy shackles her more
Open Heart
Open Heart

Bruise the skin she had shoved
Past the life she once loved
Waiting For
Waiting For

Something better than Bliss
Clenching shadows in her fist

Turn your Safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Living the Life Bohemian
Turn it up. Turn it off
Give her a life worth saving
Turn it up Turn it off
She was a turnstyle reject
Turn it up Turn it off
Living a life of regrets
Turn it up Turn it off
It was the life she didn't neglect
Turn it up Turn it off
She thought the world was hopelessly perfect
Turn it up. Turn it off
She doesn't need your Charity
Turn it up. Turn it off
She lives a life of apathy and stitches
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off

Highs and Lows

I look over my old posts occasionally. I don't usually read a lot of them, I just look over the titles, tut tut myself for having such wild mood swings and then remember that those swings, they are why I started this blog.

I'm smiling right now.

There have been a few times recently when I haven't posted. The first one was a total surprise. The second one was where I was feeling so good, I didn't want to come here, to spend time where I might not be happy for even a moment. I wasn't afraid, I just was so enjoying my moment :).

And it's ok.

I called a close friend yesterday. I know there are some friends who wanted to know when I found any music that Allen used to write. I have a little on a couple of jump drives. I have some that is on some memory cards as well. I have decided that I'm giving it to them. There's nothing at all I can do with it, except listen. All this music is stuff that has not been shared with me, and I am not really interested.

That may sound cold, but I don't think so. There are things that weren't shared with me for reasons known only to Allen. I'll never know. And every day that goes by I'm more and more ok with it. The secrets are beginning to sting less.

Even if I take them badly, it's not personal. They weren't secrets because they had to do with me, they were secrets because they DIDN'T.

And...

he didn't want to hurt me.

I appreciate that he did not intend to hurt me.

I need to not hurt myself.

Minimalism

I recently went into the most wonderful place. A condo that I can report was decorated very minimalisticly. Ok, so that's probably not a real word, but let me tell you... it was so REFRESHING!!! I am not down to that level of getting rid of things yet...
I'm not sure I'll ever be there. But I was so happy to see that there was an adult in the South that can achieve that look and it not feel cold. The condo was warm and inviting. I can't wait to spend some time there :).

On that note, I have mentioned getting rid of things quite a bit here... I know some people might be wondering how I could possibly still have stuff. And some of you may be in a panic. Please note that I am not haphazardly tossing things, and if I doubt that I might regret letting it go, I'm holding on to it a while longer.

Sometimes after a few weeks or months it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to let it go.

I am getting a feel more for things I really like around the house... and I'm hoping one day soon to stop ordering things at fast food places that I don't actually eat (I hate Arby's sauce, but it's in my requested condiments auto string there so I say it everytime). I need to just stop going to fast food. There is nothing wrong with eating here. As it's summertime (practically) I can live on cereal and salad until the cool weather comes back LOL.

I feel like I've been making some big steps lately. It feels like things are moving along as they should be :)