It's Happening.

This weekend I spent with my mother and sisters doing yet some more clearing out. I crossed a real bridge yesterday. I found something when we were clearing out the study. It was a jump drive. This jump drive had some stuff on it similar to the stuff I found a couple of weeks ago.

I had thought enough ahead to look through it in private, not knowing what might possibly be on it. I didn't cry.

Did you hear me?

I didn't cry, didn't take it personal.

It was what it was. On the advice of the most important person whose opinion matters, I reformatted thus obliterating everything on the drive, made it clean and new.

The taint is gone.

I used my Wonder Woman powers on it.

The fact that I didn't dissolve into tears made me so happy.

The weekend was so trying, because of the sheer amount of stuff. Mini-hoarders was here helping me clear out...

It is exactly what needed to happen.

I want everything streamlined for the future.

I will not let my belongings control me, I control them.

Every day that passes I am feeling stronger and more secure.

I know what I want for the future and the way there is getting clearer and clearer.

I Asked for It

I love my family. I love them dearly and would fight anyone who crossed them fiercely. I can get really protective of people I love. Sometimes though, I wish they knew me better. Our dynamic is all screwed up. Growing up they used to go on and on about how "sensitive" I was and how tenderhearted.

I used to be much quicker to get to angry. It takes something pretty big to send me up there now. Also, I can't tolerate immature attitudes like I once could. I think grownups should take responsibility for their actions. Also, I wish that sometimes I didn't have to spell out every little thing I'm feeling to the people who watched me become a grown-up.

We were doing some heavy clearing out today. We were cleaning my craft room, and after a while it just became overwhelming. I kept seeing all this stuff, and realized that I was hoarding all this stuff because of what it became, my escape from the sad and depression.

I still love the creating, but there was so much in the room, it was like walking into a puddle that you suddenly slipped and fell into. It was WAY TOO MUCH STUFF.

I know some crafters would disagree, but the only way I've been able to do any creating is to bring limited supplies downstairs and make something with them.

There is a such thing as too much stuff.

Also, I have learned from the living spaces that I'm more comfortable in, that I like not being overwhelmed with belongings.

I am not my belongings.

But they are really and truly beginning to reflect me.

And that makes me happy.

I had a meltdown today.

I just needed someone to tell me that my stuff didn't matter and that it could go away and nothing bad would happen. One of my sisters finally got what I couldn't find those words to say. And after that... I don't even know what got thrown away... but they did it until I couldn't take them just tossing my things anymore. And then I had to go lay down and cry.

I wanted a hug. But couldn't ask for it. They don't know how to take me now... I'm stronger than I used to be, but not as strong as they think I am. I want them to hold me, but I don't know how to ask... and am afraid they will misinterpret what I'm asking for, that they will then pity me.

It's not that I'm proud, I just want comfort without pity, without judgement. The ability to be sad without them thinking that they can tell me where to go or what to do about it. The ability for them to be understanding and accepting of the fact that the hardest part of all this is the realization that my marriage wasn't what I thought it was. That I have been alone and hiding that fact, and trying my best to keep it from even me.

They are coming...

So my Mom and sisters are on their way. They will probably make it to the house before I get home from work which is ok, I actually am going to run around and take some photos. I'm a scrapper and I think this is important. I've done a layout in the past that helped me deal with something really hard, I think some more of that type of stuff is long overdue... and I have some ideas about things to do with all this energy. I need to remember always that vitamin B-12 can be your friend. LOL.

I'm nervous about my mom seeing the house, but I feel like it's cool and they'll help me go to the goodwill and paint LOL and help me with the curtain situation upstairs LOL.

I don't know. I'm so happy they are coming. I'm nervous about what they'll think about how I've been living. The downstairs really isn't terrible, I just don't have anywhere to move things back upstairs... that's the problem :)

I don't really live upstairs and never have. It has always been his space... his kingdom. I was allowed to bathe and sleep there.

It's hard and really awkward to explain, I mean it's supposed to be my house too.

Whatever.

I had this same problem in my first place after college.

I was used to living in half a room.

It was hard to get used to more space.

I'll get there ;)

Progress Surprise?

I didn't post yesterday... I didn't even realize it until this morning. There have been 50 straight days in a row where I have taken time to sit down and write even if I didn't have a lot weighing on me that day (I think there was one day that happened). But yesterday I didn't even think about it.

I was gone all day. I worked. This week has been a real oddity. Our work week goes from Thursday to Wednesday and I was scheduled for overtime (never happens). So I have been working a lot, I had a play last night. My awesome friend MEF bought me a ticket to the Addams Family. I LOVED IT!! I had the best time! I got to her house, changed into a lovely red dress that has been burning a hole in my closet since January. And put on some heels that were almost too high to walk in (I mean for someone who is used to wearing sneakers everyday).

I even bought myself a souvenir which is something I don't normally do. But I did, it made me really stupidly happy to do it!

So my day yesterday was great. Today I have a headache. I woke up in the middle of the night having an allergy attack at the home where I've been petsitting. I don't normally have allergy attacks, but I've had them a couple of times before. My breathing is much better now (I'm at home and medicated). I am supposed to work this afternoon, so I have a few hours to be lazy and recover :).

I Found Some Tears... And How to Make Mother Happy

I made a decision today. That I have to call my mom. And I called her. I asked her for help. I think maybe I made her very happy. I have been so very hurtful a daughter to her for not needing her. The thing is, I really wanted her to be proud of me. For standing up and being a grown up and trying my best to get things done. But I look around the house. I keep taking one step forward (wash and put away dishes) and then a step back, wash clothes and never put them up...

I already talked about the depressed looking house. I know that I'm happier when I'm not here, or when I'm getting ready to leave. I know that I can't just make myself do the things that need to be done around here and that putting it off isn't healthy. I can clean for company, but not for me.

I also need help to get to a good starting place. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but one of the hardest things in the world to me is to find places to put things. It's my biggest moving anxiety... and I could never get Allen to understand or help me out with it.

Growing up, everything in my room had a predefined place it was supposed to go. I was told where this place was and in trouble if things went to the wrong places. It was the same for everything in the house.

When I went to college, the only place for things to live were on/in my desk, the drawers under my bed, or the closet. Not too hard. After the dorm, the real struggle began, and I've never quite mastered the art of homing my belongings. I used to try and get Allen to help, but he wasn't good at it either. And he was easily frustrated when I would ask for an opinion on wether it was a better idea to put the dishes into the cabinet by the stove where we could easily make plates of food to go eat, or by the sink for ease of putting them away after the dishes were done. I didn't really understand why this was annoying, I just finally got someone else to show me where to put things in the kitchen. (Yes, it was my neighbor who has the same floorplan and already had a good workflow)

I don't even know what the worst room is right now... I have a ton of things to go to Goodwill. I need some organizational help in my craft room. I need to pare down in there as well. And my closet is a disorganized black hole right now.

I couldn't let just anyone come help before, but hopefully now I've found everything I wouldn't want anyone to see... so maybe, just maybe this weekend will go well and the three of us will be able to get a lot of work done. I really hope so. I'm hoping to have a new roommate soon. As well as my dream to get the hell out of this house.

I thought it would be ok to stay here for a while anyway. But I want to leave. I want to get out. This isn't the house in Memphis I wanted. We didn't buy the house in Mississippi I wanted, we got what he said we should get. That was fine, but I REALLY DIDN'T like this place before we bought it. I wanted a regular house. I wanted a specific house that was in excellent condition and had a yard for our dog. Well I don't even have the dog anymore... and I don't want to be in this space that used to contain my family.

I asked someone yesterday if they felt they were at home. I don't. And I haven't in a very, very long time. I tried so hard to tell myself that where my husband was... that was home. But in actuality, it wasn't. I haven't felt like I had a real home where everything was ok and safe and wonderful since I was 14 years old. I'm not blaming anyone. It's my own shortcoming that I felt out of place in some way.

I thought getting married and building a life together would fix that. I'm pretty sure that part didn't happen because we didn't have our whole life together. There were things I could never understand or be a part of and as much as I tried to make space... I was never really comfortable being left alone and left out. I wasn't comfortable when I was told what I did and did not like regardless of what I said I actually felt about it.  How could I feel at home when everything I asked if we could do to our living space was flatly refused and said it was stupid, then if I asked what he wanted, I was told things were fine as they were. We didn't have to agree on everything, but I didn't try to make everything a fight. I wanted a partner. I wanted to be a partner. I thought for so long I was, but in rethinking... I wasn't. I gave up that dream a long time ago. It seemed the best option at the time...

I keep hearing that I'm going to hurt over this for years and years. It seems to be a theme and it comes from so many people. Ok, I accept that it may hurt for many years that I married someone who killed themselves. But I won't dwell in this forever. There are a lot of days that aren't bad at all. RT dying just set me back, I'm convinced. I don't like the fact that I felt I was shutting down. I don't like the shutting down thing. I think it's unhelpful in the long run, and I know for a fact it's really hard for me to deal with.

Lots on the mind today.

Monday, Monday...

This was a pretty good Monday! I wish they all went so well :).  We changed our run day to Monday for the next few weeks and I'm excited about that. Also I'm petsitting at one of my favorite places that I can choose to spend or not spend the night at so that's exciting.

There are three awesome cats that I love to sit for. Ok, so enough about that stuff. I called my Daddy today. And I'm glad I did. some of his health issues are better, some are not but it was an upbeat call for sure! I also talked to my college friend R today. He and I haven't spoken in several weeks, but he was worried, so he called.  We had a talk, a good talk and if I hadn't been at work, there would have been a good long cry to go with it, but I was at work and so I shed a few tears and went back to sweep and mop.

I know I'm glossing over, and so I'm going to write a bit about our conversation. I told him about cleaning the "study" and finding things in there... things I didn't know about. I told him that I hated feeling so bad about myself, about wondering how I fit into everything he was into. R told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to Allen, that if it hadn't been for me, that Allen would have killed himself 10 years ago or more. I am not sure how I feel about it. As a christian I was taught that God has a plan for everyone, but that we also have free will. I'm not sure how this works... was it his plan for me to get married to a man who might have or might not have committed suicide? I hate to question faith at this point, but I almost feel like this is just natural.

Why me? Why not someone else? The answer of course is why not me, what makes me special and to admit that I also believe he would have died years sooner. That statement may make me selfish, and I may have said all this before. But it's what I'm thinking so, there. I am special. Special that I am going on with my life, that I'm blogging what's on my mind. That I have been able to seek help.

Today has been another good day :)

That is awesome!

Pretty Good Sunday

Today has been a pretty good day. I woke up feeling really sick, but I'm ok, I did get a nap today which helped a ton. I've talked to some friends who always cheer me up. I'm about to eat some fried chicken (which I crave when I'm sick, along with mashed potatoes, no chicken soup for me). I've spent most of my day with a sweet little (well big actually) yorkie who is really nice company.

I'm in a MUCH better frame of mind, still haven't cried, but I know the tears will eventually come. I'm listening to Fun.  because I know I like one song by this band, and this is the coolest site ever (thanks!) and it lets me know if I like more than one song by someone :).

There are people I'd like to talk to, like my dad and my brother, but I don't have much to say, and until I can think of something specific I'm afraid of where the conversation might go. I'm not in any kind of mood to be sad, so I'm not calling ANY family... is that sad (lol).

It has been really good to rest today. I wish I had relaxed more, but oh well, I've done my best, and I know my body needed that!

Where's the Tears?

I went to work today, it was awesomely busy like Saturdays should be. I got someone to cover the last hour for me so I could go to the funeral. I got there during the visitation hour, visited, then sad in the back pew.

The last funeral I was at, I sat in the back pew and played with my iphone to keep from spewing obscenities at the pastor. It wasn't anything he said, it was how I took each and every word that came out of his mouth. I took them badly.

I wasn't allowed to sit in the back pew today. My friend wanted me in her pew, the front pew... the one reserved for family. So I went. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It didn't go exactly as I wanted it to go. I felt so stiff and drawn into myself. It was weird. I'd almost start to cry, then her friend who was between us would touch me, or grab my hand and all my tears would just stop. I'd get stiffer in the seat, and nothing. I haven't been able to grieve for RT like I would like, or even like I've felt I've needed to. I don't know how to get there by myself, and I don't have any idea why the tears won't come. I just feel like I'm inside an envelope that is myself. I don't know a better way to explain, and I don't know how to get out.

It's hard and weird and it makes me very, very tired.

Also I'm didn't sleep well last night, I have on the job training for my new part time job tomorrow. My regular work schedule has increased to the point where I'm not sure at all I'll be able to do anything part time... especially if I'm not sleeping well most nights, the few good nights of sleep I've had are defeated by one that is unrestful.

Also I really should have gone running today, but I chose a movie instead. I did need the laugh really, really bad.

I'll be there for you...

I mentioned that I lost a friend this week. I know I have mentioned that I have felt like the Grim Reaper is following me around before, I have had moments of that feeling recently. If I know anyone with elderly or sick parents, if I have any friends who are ill, I worry just a little extra that by virtue of knowing me... someone will die or lose someone they love. Just because they know me. 

I have been trying my best to remind myself that knowing me is not the same as trying to speedial the Grim Reaper, but you know, sometimes you just get ideas in your head that are hard to shut out. 

That being said, I talked to my friend the new widow this afternoon. She is having the funeral service tomorrow at a time I would normally have been at work, but I asked someone to cover the last hour we're open tomorrow so I can go to the service, and he said yes. So I let her know I would be there. She was so very happy. She said when she found out that the clinic was open she felt so bad, she thought she was making arrangements at a time that would be easy for anyone who might want to go. I told her that she wasn't supposed to try and work around my schedule, but that I understood exactly what she was saying (because I do). Then she said the most awesome thing after I told her I'd be there. She told me she needed me there to lean on. I told her she only had to tell me what she needed or wanted and I'd do it.

I'm so glad she knows she can lean on me. And I'm also very glad to have people at work who are so quick to say yes when they know what's up... it's important.

Today was actually a really good day.

Just as I Suspected...

I mentioned that I mailed off the hard drive to my favorite person. Who went through it tonight (well sent me directories to look through). It was just as I suspected, lots of stuff backed up here, some stuff I don't have a clue about, and then other stuff.

I lost a a friend yesterday. I lost him in the sense that he died, in the hospital. I'm friends with his wife as well. I have petsit for them anytime they needed the last couple of years. I love their little dog to pieces. He is short, can be loud but not usually without reason, and he's diabetic. He's perfectly housetrained and likes to sleep with me. he's really good company.

I'm keeping him for a few days right now. I'm glad. I know he doesn't get to stay long, but I'm hoping he helps me a bit. You see I thought all morning that when I got the chance to stop I'd cry. I kept feeling the tears back there. But when I got the chance, they wouldn't come.

I know I need to let this out, but I've been shutting down emotionally. I wanted to call in to work this afternoon, except they were letting me do the job that I want them to give me and, they needed me so I needed to suck it up... but I did try to let it out. It's what I want to do... I know I need to. It's weird. I feel all Shawshank Redemption about the stupid tears. You know when Morgan Freeman's character talks about having lived "inside" for so long he can't "make water" without permission. I need a shoulder, some arms... someone to tell me it's ok and they won't leave.

I just want to be able to relax in my feelings and let them out.

I'm trying to do it on my own, I don't understand why it's so hard right now...

More Stuff Stuff

I'm feeling much better and more myself today. I had dinner last night with a new friend (NOT a love interest, JUST a new friend... she and I had a fab time and it was  SUPER good timing). I've got some stuff weighing on my mind, and when I say stuff, it's literally what I mean.

For a while, the downstairs was immaculate. Especially the redecorated areas, I could be at peace here, I was sleeping upstairs and the bed was kept neat and made up, while the rest of the room looks like a closet vomited and there's just random piles of stuff. I mentioned that my downstairs had gotten messy... and I don't think I told you it's because I was depressed. I hate saying that. I hate the power I feel like I give to that terrible thing when I say it out loud. I haven't said it out loud, but typing it really feels the same to me.

It's not because of the going through the stuff, or not just. It's because I don't really know what to do with so much of it. There were things I didn't want to get rid of at first, that I really, honestly and truly want to toss now. I can't think of any good and healthy reason to keep them, other than my friends and family telling me I don't have to throw everything away. I think, that for the purposes of moving forward, I will be letting stuff go I wouldn't have considered a few months ago. It doesn't really scare me, I just worry (and this is where I feel stupid) that people are going to think I'm a terrible person because I didn't hang on to every little thing that was special to me at one time. Like that "our first christmas" ornament.

That "our" is no more. It was in the past, in my past, but won't actually be part of any future I can share with someone else. It feels like I have just hung on to many constant reminders that are both good and bad (I'm sure I mentioned that Christmas was bad... right?).

I know it's depression because I know what a depressed house looks like. I've known that it was lurking because I could never get it together to fix the upstairs. I knew one day it would creep down here and that is when I would know it's time to deal with it. Trust me, I have a plan. It's not terrible, and I'm not suicidal. I have started many times picking up, getting it almost perfect then slacking off and letting it pile up again. I'm getting there... and most of the time things are pretty good. Lots of times, things are VERY good actually, but it's still hanging around. It keeps me from sleeping well... which makes me tired and feel like not doing anything.

Good news! The last couple of nights I've slept MUCH better. I feel more motivated. I've found someone who can maybe get me back in touch with my spiritual side that I didn't realize I have totally shut down. It's weird. The days right after his death, I know I was being carried by God. It's the only explanation I could possibly have for how I kept on going. I didn't realize I had issues with that until recently. I realized I haven't been praying, I haven't been at all feeding my spiritual self. I've never been the best Christian, but even in the worst of times here, I turned to prayer to help me sort it all out. I know why I haven't been there, but I don't know how to get back. We all need some help sometimes. And as corny as it sounds "Knowing is half the battle."

I'll keep you posted :)

:)

Today was a fairly good day as things go. I went to orientation at the Nursing Home (for my home health part timey). I went to work. We had an awesome ripped open nose to stitch up at the very end of the day followed by dinner out with a new friend.

Really good. I talked to my favorite people on the phone today. Mailed the hard drive off to have it looked at.

It made me feel free. I love getting rid of burdens. I don't mind delegating at all as log as it's something and someone I trust to be done correctly LOL (not saying I have control issues mind you).

I'm tired and it's been a good day. Last night I slept so well I had dreams. No notifications while sleeping from the phone is the trick.

I hope you all rest well. I'm going to do that now :)

Others are affected...

I know I haven't been the only person affected by the death of Allen. We had mutual friends who've been affected greatly. There were folks who just knew him and were terribly upset. Hell, there are folks who only know me and are upset by the fact that my loss was so great.

And sometimes people get angry. And occasionally they tell me. They tell me about how they are mad because of what he did to me, the fact that he left so much for me to clean up, wrap up, that I am getting another job to make my life easier, that I'm getting a roommate to help out with things here. It's just not what someone who loves you does...

But is it?

I don't know. I know he was so unhappy. I feel so bad sometimes because I feel like the fact that he knew I would be hurt at all is the reason he was alive for so long. Then I feel stupid for thinking that.

I just wish that anything he didn't want me to know, that I had never found out. It is unavoidable that people won't go through things you leave behind. And just so it's clear, secrets can hurt a marriage. I keep rethinking what my marriage was. I thought it was so secure, so steady, and really I thought we were so open with one another (until the recent months anyway). I know that he kept so many things to himself, but the realization of just how much I didn't know... I've already said, makes me feel a bit worthless.

I had orientation for my new part-time job today. I have it tomorrow as well. I was talking to a friend on the phone tonight and she apologized and then told me how pissed she was that I had to get another job, and she told me she hated that he did this to me.

It's really nice to know that other people can get mad too. That I'm not the only one. That other people feel like man, at least he could have ... done something else to make sure I'd be ok when he was gone.

Suicide is selfish. That part of my thinking I'm not going to change. I can't, but keeping someone alive when they don't want to be... I'll accept my own selfishness. I did it for a few days. I could have done it longer, but really it's not living if your spouse... the person you promised to share your life with holds you hostage under lock and key and won't give you the key to your own car and drives you back and forth to work and hides all the cutlery.

It's no way for anyone to live.

You have to trust and take chances.

You can't stop trusting just because someone takes advantage of it.

I am much better today than I was yesterday. I will unhappily admit I shut myself down for a few hours.

I wanted to do it for much longer, but friends don't let friends move to the dark place. They will let you visit if you insist, but they try not to let you move in.

Have you seen "What Dreams May Come"?

It's relevant. I wish I owned it. I remember seeing it and thinking it was the reason that DVD's were invented.

Sorting Out My Issues

I have posted about feeling that I am worth more to myself. But if I really stop and think, it only applies to how I think of myself. In terms of my worth to others, I think for the most part I devalue myself in relationships. This counts for both men and women. I wasn't really sure why. I have worked been working on freeing myself from onesided friendships (you know, the kind where you are the only person participating in the friendship.

Today I found a box in Allen's closet that reminded me why I devalue myself. It's not his fault, but finding secrets from someone you dedicated your whole life to is really hard to accept. To feel like I wasn't worth enough for him to share his life with me, feeling like I always went along with whatever he wanted and it still wasn't enough.

He told me I was all he wanted, but based on my findings it couldn't be true. It's just hard, he's not here for me to fight with and demand an explanation. Things he told me he was over a long time ago... how could he hang on to them if he was over them, how could it be true?

Why am I letting this get to me?

Mystery Solved...one of them

My besties from  MS are here today helping me clean out Allen's room. It's been a lot of weird (read emotional) work. We decided I don't have to go through all of the notebooks now, or anytime soon at all. I can do that whenever I get ready.

We also found something tonight that I thought was gone forever. I can't figure out why it was where I found it, but when I was cleaning out the closet, wrapped in a sheet I found our missing harddrive. I have to locate it's power cord so that I can plug it in. I know what used to be on it, but I'm not sure if anything was added... before he well, you know. It's all I can think of right now. My stomach is spinning out of control, I feel ill. Not in a good way.

Garbage bags and goodwill boxes have been filled, and that feels really good. We have another half of the closet to do tomorrow and we are going to try to fix the shower upstairs that was taken apart. I'm exhausted right now and need some rest.

I'm so glad they came.

Swinging Up

I guess it's true what they say. I have good days and bad days. I was pretty sure that today would be good, it's Friday the 13th. I have said for years it is my lucky day. That has proven to be VERY true this year.

Work was great, super busy. Then I had plans to crop with my girlfriends. It was a ton of fun, I had just enough paint for my project and not enough time for the paint to dry and finish. I didn't have a big crying spell today, which is great. The day was just really really good.

The kind of day I like to have. There was a moment or two when I got a bit down, but hey... compared to the rest of the week it was FABULOUS!

I realized tonight when I got home, that I remind myself now that when I open the door no one is at home. When I did it tonight I remembered doing it other nights. There are no four-legged ones to greet me or demand to be fed. I still talk to Kayla sometimes. It might be crazy, but I always used to talk to her when she was here with me at home, and sometimes when she wasn't with me... in the car or at work or out shopping. I'd just carry on my little one sided conversation with her and ask her opinion on things (she usually loved every idea or suggestion I had btw.) So I decided it's ok because she's still with me in my heart. I talk to Allen sometimes too, but I do the same thing with my grandparents who have been gone many years. I remember I used to talk to them more, so I'm sure over time I'll talk to Allen less. I hope I talk nicer to him more often. I remember thinking I would never be angry with him... it seems hilarious to me now that I didn't think I could be angry.

I'm still angrier at just dealing with everything after the fact, and now I'm wishing I had just had someone around to push me a little more to finish up a few things. I think I'm afraid to finish up, because then it will really be time to move on and I can't keep holding on to doing that one last thing. The thing that means I'm really free, that I can go on...

I don't even think it's weird, I think it's normal. It's just the steps you have to take, and I'm taking them in my own time.

The Light Went Out

I was sitting at my dining room table tonight gchatting and kept thinking something wasn't right. Then, I noticed my light to the back patio area was out. I got up and flipped the switch and realized that meant the bulb had burnt out. That light has been on since I came back home...after Allen's service.

I found out this evening that an older friend of mine (I used to just be their petsitter, but became their friend who sometimes petsit for them) was in the hospital. They don't expect him to leave. He was sick a large portion of last year, but he pulled through. I love him and his wife to death, I don't even know what to do. I went over to their house and made her agree to a few things, like she would let me and some of the others from work cook for her and her mother. That I could come in the middle of the day when I was at lunch to exercise the dogs. And that if she needed or wanted me to I could stay the night to take care of her mother and the dogs. Just to let me be there for her... I know it's hard to ask for help. REALLY, I KNOW!! It's hard, embarrassing, all that. But it needs to be done. It's hard for people to just know what you might need.

I'm trying to get better at telling people in general what I need or that I'm not ok sometimes. Some days I do a really good job, and sometimes I shove it all back inside. It's hard. I'm not used to it being ok to do things like cry. I feel like this is a reoccurring theme. I have cried so much this week I can't believe I'm not dehydrated LOL.

It's just hard. I can't say I've worked through ALL of my issues with Allen, but I have to work on the issues that are just mine as well. Right now that grim reaper thing is trying to grab ahold of me again. All I can think is: Allen, then PawPaw, then Kayla, then Bob, Now Roger... OMG I just feel death is everywhere and it's all my fault. What about my Daddy? He has just recently had eye surgery again on the same eye. What if he dies? How can I loose my father this year too? What about my new friends, their loved ones will start dropping like flies soon. They will because I'm a friend who brings death.

I know it's stupid, but a part of me feels this way and sometimes it's hard to stop it. I know rationally that it's not true, none of this is because of me. If I were weaker then I'd just crawl in bed and never come out. I really hope I sleep tonight. I've not been sleeping well at all this week. I want to sleep. It's just so hard... and the quality just hasn't been there. I'm tired which makes it harder to not cry which I think may be what I need this week for some reason. I know it won't last forever and that things will get easier, and YES I am appreciative that people keep telling me that. I really am. I just, I've heard it and I want to not cry when my eyes are sore and raw from crying. I want the neighbor's damn dog to stop barking, it barks all the time and I'm sure that's not helping me sleep either.

I don't want my friend to die, I don't want to do another funeral. I haven't processed all of my emotions and the last funeral I was at I was SO ANGRY. I don't like to be angry.

I'm going to visit my friend tomorrow during the day while his wife is there. I hope he makes it until then. It's times like this I wish I had more trouble getting close to people. LOL.

Dirty Secrets

This post will have very sensitive information inside, if you read it, you have been warned!


People have secrets. Ones that they share and ones that they don't. Marriages have secrets as well. Things that only the parties involved in the marriage know about. I'm going to tell you some of mine.

"They" say that it's the quiet ones who are actually the most adventurous. This turned out to be true in Allen's case. Surprisingly so. To the point where there were times I was told that I did "nothing" for him sexually because I was too interested in the"vanilla." This has been on my mind so much lately. I actually wonder if I will ever be able to relax and have a "normal" relationship with another man. I know it's possible. I know that everything I have done I did because I wanted to or chose to. I know I never have to do anything I don't want to do. I also know that I am apparently one of those crazy girls who obsesses over things. I don't know if I was like that before.

I want to know what everything means, could it mean something else, will anyone ever want me after they know what I've done?

 It's weird, I spent so much time telling my husband that no one was interested because he was so jealous, horribly jealous to the point where he once even accused me of sleeping with his best friend in our home when he was away for the night and the friend was there to visit.

I never really got over being accused like that. I didn't do anything unusual for me. I wasn't acting funny, he just snapped. And the funniest thing about it was it was all me being blamed, not the guy. The only thing I think I did right about that fight was to just look at Allen and tell him if he really felt that way he could decide who was moving out because I wasn't going to fight back, either he trusted me or he didn't. He came to his senses.

I wish all our arguments were over so quickly. So many times we'd argue and I'd be really upset and start crying. That was always a mistake because if I cried, I was accused of trying to manipulate him. I look back and wonder how we made it 15 years. There were good times, but sometimes it seems like they were so few and far between. And then there was so much time spent alone... alone in the house, alone on the road going to visit family by myself. Alone because he was home but wanted to "work on projects".

Thank goodness for paper and glue!

What Would You Do?

Warning! I'm not really a big country music fan, so you can turn off the volume and read the lyrics if you like.

I had another post in mind today before I went to work. I was composing it in my head as I was driving and made some notes as soon as I had a couple of minutes to jot them down. Then, as sometimes happens, my day changed. Someone called in sick to work today so they asked me to work longer. It's usually not a problem, but this was to be my only split shift day because of someone possibly having quit (not sure when we'll find out for sure, but we have made plans for me to pick up a lot of hours in case she doesn't come back). So since I'm used to doing stuff over several hours in the middle of the day, like usually this blogpost, I wanted to be off. I settled for working a little over and then leaving because they aren't really busy enough for me to work the additional hour and a half, but I'm stalling. I know my day started off with me just not wanting to go in. In a "normal" year I'd be taking a few of my last vacation days I had saved up right about now, but because of all my time off around Christmas I don't have any more vacation until June and it's been really hard not to have that to fall back on. I need to be working on my house, but I don't like being here. I mentioned yesterday I'm lonely... and I am so I don't want to be here without company, I can't get motivated to pick up unless someone is actually coming over, and if I could just get the living room suitable again I think I'd be ok... so I've got to work on that. The other thing is they played that song on the radio. 

I was sitting, copying the census sheet and that song came on and I just about lost it right there in front of everyone. But I took a deep breath and ran to the bathroom just in time to cry until the song was over. It's not a favorite song or anything, I don't really care for it, but I've been thinking lately about "stuff." 

Allen told me when we got married that if I was looking for jewelry or flowers, not to look to him, he didn't do that. I didn't mind. I never expected it, nor was I disappointed. Those were never the kinds of things I thought women "ought" to get. I have a girlfriend who thought otherwise and she didn't know how it couldn't drive me crazy not to KNOW I was getting flowers for at LEAST my birthday and anniversary. I was actually relieved that he had more imagination than that. He sent me flowers to work twice. Once when we lived in MS he sent me flowers (white tulips), and once after we moved to Memphis (a mixed bouquet). It was really special to get them because I never did. He did bring them home to me a few times as well, he knew how much I loved having flowers in the house. But for some reason the song made me think of last Christmas. And of some things I have done that weren't wonderful wifely things. He wanted to buy me something special last Christmas, some real jewelry. Actually one of those pieces that they advertise on tv that are designed to show the world you have someone in your life who loves you, from those Kay Jewelry commercials. He tried to bring up how nice this piece was when the commercial came on, that's when I slammed the jewelry and said how stupid for people go buy jewelry so that someone could look and know that you are loved because a jeweler designed something to tell people. 

It hurt his feelings. I mean the song asks what you would do... and he wanted to give me something that would tell the whole world how he felt, and I told him it was stupid. How awesome am I? We did so much last year that was like our marriage in quick review. It was only clear to me in hindsight. I'm really not very bright sometimes. If I'd only listened and put the pieces together, then at least I wouldn't have proved to be as cold and insensitive as I have been told I was.

I try very hard to live my life with no regrets. I don't regret my marriage, the experiences I've had that have been both good and bad have made me the person that I am today. I hope that I do live my life like I'm dying. I know that I will die one day. I don't want to have any regrets for not trying things, or going places. Even if I make the wrong decisions I hope that I can say that I made the ones I wanted to make! I hope that as I influence my younger family members they look at me and live the life they want to live rather than the one that someone else wants for them. If I had lived the life someone else wanted me to live, I would have graduated from Auburn, possibly as an English Teacher and be married with children living in a small town in Alabama wondering how I wound up there because I always wanted to live in some other state, to have some great adventure. To go out and have some life, rather than watching it pass by on tv.

Some days it's really hard to know what decisions to make, but I'm trying. I want to get out and have some more life... 

The Lonely

Most people don't get anywhere near realizing their potential. I used to be one of those people, I tiptoe around that still, but try very hard to push myself. I never thought I could be the kind of person who held her head up after going through what I've been through. I always wondered why people who had a spouse or loved one who killed themselves didn't immediately check into a room somewhere. I don't know why I didn't except that I couldn't afford to. There was nothing to do except come back here and live. Be alive, do my job, find activities to fill up my days. Try my best to expand my circle of friends to people who didn't mind keeping someone company who might cry at the drop of a hat, or some song on the radio.

Today was weird. Saturday I made it through all the stuff at work with no trouble. Today we had a euthanasia that I couldn't be in the room for. I was glad it wasn't "my" patient. I didn't have my own doctor today. But we euthanized her in treatment, and I had to leave the room, it was just too hard. She didn't remind me of Kayla in anyway. She had been boarding with us and just go so sick so fast. She made me feel so lonely. The kind of alone that I don't normally feel. It's been coming on all weekend, I've been fighting it so hard. I don't want it to win, but it's the kind of just I'm physically by myself and I want someone to just hug me and not let go.

It's nothing sexual. I don't want kisses or anything bawdy to go with it. But someone to hold my hand or let me put my head on their chest or shoulder and watch tv, someone to let me watch one of the "movies that make me cry" and let me sob on them. I'd almost put an ad on craigslist to have that right now.  Just to feel a physical connection with someone. It's this lonely that I don't know how to kick. It's not around much, but it is today. I mean, a dog would work, but I need it here, at home.

I have some people I can call to see if I can borrow their dog. I think that's the ticket. I just need to call and get my little buddy to keep me company. (and he will sleep with me at night.

I need to pick up, there's stuff in the floor he might tear up LOL.

I think I'll call them tomorrow.

Planning for Downtime

Today is Easter. Not something that we normally celebrate as a big religious holiday. I grew up celebrating Easter, but as I haven't actually attended church on a regular basis and the fact that I despised people who only went to church on Easter and Christmas as I grew up, I don't go on holidays now unless I'm with family and attend church in a group with family.

Sometimes the godkids and their parents get to come to my house for Easter, but not this year. And I've been petsitting this weekend. It's been great. I love the house I'm staying at, LOVE the dog, and the people are SUPER nice. I've had some time to think about being alone, and I've been with the dog, but no humans, and not nearly as much human contact as I normally have on a day to day basis. 

It's been a good day. I HAVE been a little lonely, but not in a bad way. Just in the way that you'd like someone to talk to and everyone has something to do but you. I could have called people earlier. I might have caught most of my family... but I didn't want to. I wanted to enjoy the quiet and alone time for most of today.  

I should be leaving this part of town in about an hour or so to go back home. It'll be good. I've been by there once today to eat LOL. I have snacks here but decided to eat dinner last night late after thinking I wouldn't and I went walking for over an hour today so I was hungry. I also got a bit of candy today. For myself. I didn't buy my favorite candy as I still can't think about eating a Reese's egg and there's one in my mailbox at work from one of the docs because we'd had a rough day a couple of weeks ago and she knows it's my favorite. 

I'm sure it'll be there when I'm ready for it.

Allen really didn't like any holiday except Halloween. I'm not sure why he disliked all of them, I know he said he hated Christmas because of his time in retail working for BooksAMillion. That is the only one I ever really knew. I think maybe he disliked them because he felt when family was gathered he was being judged, wether it was true or not... and he personally felt that he wasn't being judged well.

I'm not going to dwell on that thought, it was just passing through so I thought I'd mention it.

I was told to be sure and plan some time to be down each holiday or special day. If all the others work out like today, I'll be so far ahead of what I expected!

Other People's Tears...

Today was an interesting day at work. Not interesting in a yay awesome things happened way, but interesting in how I felt dealing with the situations I was in. This morning one of  the sweetest people I work with let us know that she and her fiance' broke up. She was dissolving into tears before my eyes and I asked if I could give her a hug.

It was so very hard not to cry with her. She moved here about a year ago... maybe a little longer. He had proposed to her this past winter and they were supposed to be married this coming summer. Her heart was broken. She didn't know what she was going to do. She wanted to work out the April schedule, but didn't know where she would live (she has a lot of pets). I offered to let her move in with me, she said her parents didn't even know about it yet. But she wants to move home to Texas. We told her to go home and call her family and  feel better and call us if she needs us. She cleared all her belongings out of her "box" at work and left. It was really sad.

Later I had a 16 year old dog that the owner had chosen to euthanize because the quality of life was so poor at home. A lot of people bring special treats for their pets when they make this decision. If we have snacks at work, we offer them if the owner's don't bring anything. We had some donuts today so I asked her if she'd like to give him a chocolate donut. She said yes and as we watched him eat it with gusto, she questioned if his eating meant she shouldn't put him down. I assured her that his joy of eating that donut wouldn't translate into any sort of better feeling when he got home. I assured her that she wouldn't have brought him in and told us she was ready if it wasn't time. Then I shared with her that I had made this same decision myself not too long ago. And that it was the kindest thing she could do, assure him he wouldn't suffer.

She hugged me and cried on my shoulder and thanked me over and over. I cried with her and told her if she needed anything just to call, and meant it.

And I was ok.

I felt strong.

I think it's awesome!

Holidays... family holidays.

Easter is a holiday that we hadn't gone to Alabama together for in quite a few years. I usually am the one who for sure has to work on Easter wether Allen did or not. Several of the last recent years our godchildren and their parents have been able to come up on or around Easter and stay with us and that has always been so much fun. And the bunny comes when they are here. And that is SO MUCH FUN!!!

This year I have a petsitting job in a LOVELY area of town that I WISH I could afford to live in. It's a place where the neighbors all know each other and watch out for your place, and hang out and drink on the porch or front yard together. The kind of place I've never lived. I mean I could hang out in my garage and drink now, but I'm not close to my neighbors here and I don't really like being in the garage. I can't wait to go over and walk the dog. He fetches. It'll be nice to snuggle with him tonight too. I've been warned that he's a big snuggler.

I am really really happy that I have the opportunity to petsit and earn the extra money. I'm a little sad that I won't have dumplings. Maybe I should break down and make some...hmmm.

My brother will be visiting Alabama family this weekend. I do wish I could be there to see him. I haven't seen him since my flight from Daddy's house over the Christmas Holiday and I just want him to visually see that I am OK. I miss him. That's not new. I don't talk to him as often as I do my sisters. He's busy and so am I. He's ok and like my dad in that he knows if I'm not ok, then I will let someone know. He always takes time for me when I let him know I need it.

I'm so proud of everything he has accomplished. He was my childhood hero before Jim Henson and Wonder Woman.  He left home and never looked back. He made his own path and never seemed to feel guilty for finding his own happiness and establishing his own family elsewhere.

:)

Big Week...

This has been a really important week. I have a lot of changes happening, they did happen and they are still happening. This is how you evolve and grow as a person.

My cats moved out this Monday. I found them a new home. It was time. They were precious and loving kitty girls, but one of them was having issues that were caused by stress, which was causing ME stress and I couldn't live with it so I placed them together in a new home where I am sure they will be happy (and from progress reports so far, they are).

I am going to be getting a roommate. It is weird to think about, but the time has come for me to do the sensible thing. I have three bedrooms here and I need some assistance with taking care of the place. A friend of a co-worker just got a job in town so it seems the universe agrees that someone else needs to live here with me.

I am elated at the moment because at my therapy appointment today the doctor told me she felt like I didn't need to come see her anymore. She said I sound like I am using my support system of my friends and my blog to work out my own grief and issues. She asked me to please call her if I have any sort of trouble with my current support system or feel it stops working.

It was a really nice day.

I Get by With a Little Help...

 ;)

I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for. And I can tell you for a fact that when you go through such a major life change, you find out exactly who your friends are, and you may make some new ones if you can let yourself.

Usually when I write a blog post here, I am working out something that is on my mind. Normally I write, LOTS of times I cry. Sometimes those things happen at the same time. Then when I have finished writing, it feels as though a burden has been lifted. I feel freed from whatever it was that was holding on and digging in. Normally. Sometimes I write about almost the same thing more than once because (and this is where I'm digging around in my psyche) I haven't written correctly about what's going on, it's like I can't find the root of the problem yet, because I'm too close. I can't see the veritable forest for all of the trees.


So in my agony over the notebook, I cried on and off most of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. It hasn't helped at all that it is that time of the month, that my father had eye surgery and my world just seems to be moving faster than I can right now. Some of the stuff that's been happening is really exciting, but it's all a bit stressful and finding that notebook just sent me to the brink. I couldn't decide if it was a very hurtful or a very happy thing to find. But thanks to a very special person, I think maybe it was a wonderful thing to find. I am going to treat it as a joint scrapbook from Allen to me and from me to well, me I guess. It's lovely to have something as fitting as this particular book is - to put photos in and to write about our life together. The nice thing about a scrapbook is that you can put it up somewhere you don't have to see it, or take it out as you like to go through it.

I thought of some other things that are in a box in the garage right now that I have no idea what to do with. There are wooden easter eggs that his mom had painted for us with our names on them. I think I have decorated for easter once or twice. I'm thinking she might like his egg back. It's just hard. I think if I were older or had been married longer, or maybe if all these little trinkets had really had more meaning I might want to keep them, but they don't really hold anything for me. The Christmas ornament reminds me of how sad I got every year when the holiday came around and he didn't even want to talk about it or share in what used to be his favorite holiday movies with me. I wasn't allowed to sing carols or watch my favorite movies if he was home. The easter egg, it's just a painted wooden egg. Easter wasn't a holiday to him.

The notebook, the hundreds of notebooks in the study were important to him. They filled his waking hours. He never went anywhere without at least one notebook and usually a mechanical pencil. Most of the time he had two or three notebooks. Before the days of ipods or smartphones he also carried a ton of cds and a puzzlebook of some kind around as well (unless he was studying chess, then he had his chessbooks).

I've worked through my anger with the chessbooks. I did that when I pulled some off the shelf and ripped them into a million little pieces. I used to love playing chess. Allen taught me how. We used to play all the time. It was fun. Then he wanted to get better, and better. He would get irritated because of my game progression and he wanted a more challenging partner. I found studying other people's games to be on the really boring, sucking the fun out of playing the game. So I didn't study. He could have found someone to play online with easily I'm sure. But he didn't want to play with a "stranger". He would record our moves in a notebook and wanted to discuss every single move and why they were made. After a couple of weeks of playing multiple games nightly where he would try to explain the "whatever" defense or attack I finally told him I needed a break from playing. It wasn't fun for me to have every move I made criticized. It wasn't fun to play game after game after game so serious.

So we stopped.

But I can't rip this notebook to shreds. It does remind me of things that make me sad, but it also reminds me of how sweet he could be when he wrote. He always said he could express his feelings far better in prose than he ever could out loud.

Somewhere upstairs I have a few notes he wrote me over the years when I was asleep. They are very sweet. They make me happy.

I can't imagine how long it would have taken me to move past the notebook thing without my friend. I can't imagine what I would have done if I hadn't had girlfriends listen to me cry, and watch and just tell me it's ok. I can't build a wall. I have to keep the doors open. That's how you get out. And it's how others get in.

And that is a good thing.

How will you make it on your own....

I love Mary Tyler Moore. Have loved her as long as I've known about her which I'm guessing is since my preteens and discovery of Nick at Nite (does that even still exist?).
I love watching the available episodes on Hulu now, and used to own a set of VHS tapes with the  "BEST OF" episodes from all the seasons (went to the dumpster, all the vhs tapes went to the dumpster, my vcr has been broken for YEARS). I love the opening song :

I think of it all the time.

I found a book this past Sunday. It was on April 1, the Fool's Day. I've been feeling like a fool ever since because I've let it get to me so very much. Here is the title page:

Inside? Well, there are places for up to six planned sonnets. I know this because they are numbered at the top of the pages. Most of those pages are blank. Most of the pages in the book are blank. I said it twice because that's exactly how I did it when I saw...

There are some things written on some pages, nothing appears to be complete, maybe. I don't know. There are a couple that could be poems in themselves, but the couple of half lines and the numbered non sonnets... I know I'm terrible but right now and ever since Sunday I'm fighting feeling WORTHLESS to him. Like I'm worth nothing.

Like think of something to do for your spouse and plan it out, then DROP IT!!! I don't know if it's right I don't know if he planned to work on them more... the book was on top of boxes. That had to mean he had looked at in sometime since 2005 when we moved here. I'm hung on this book.

It's kind of like a scrapbook with the stickers and the writing.

I want to take it over and throw in photos and some of my own writing to make it a something that is mine... that can't hurt me. But right now... I still feel week and pitiful. I want a hug. I want my music back. I want to find something that he dedicated to me that has something really finished. I want to know that I didn't spend hours letting him be alone when that was the LAST THING I EVER WANTED TO BE AND HE KNEW I HATED BEING ALONE, AND HE WANTED TO DO OTHER STUFF SO BAD I JUST SAT HERE FOR HOURS WATCHING THE TELEVISION AND BEING QUIET SO I WOULDN'T DISTURB HIS SLEEP OR ALONE TIME AND OH GOD IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH THAT THOSE WERE HOURS I COULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY DOING SOMETHING, ANYTHING... BUT I WAS WAITING FOR HIM TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME THE WAY I WANTED TO SPEND IT WITH HIM. 

I WAS THE ONLY ONE

AND I HAD KAYLA AND SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE EITHER.

What To Do With Things

When I started changing my home to be just MY home, there were a lot of things that went to a dumpster. Why? Because they were old and broken. They needed to be tossed a long time ago. And because some of them were just garbage in their own right.

The cleanup started in the garage which handn't been opened in over two years (or ever since the spring that opens and closes the door broke. I don't have a good excuse for not having had the door fixed, but now it just seems a waste of money as the door is now propped open and it works as the carport it was designed as in the first place. I don't know how many truckloads came out of the garage, but in total I helped toss six pickup loads of stuff from this house. I know there is more that needs to go, but it's in a room I can only spend limited time in right now. The living/dining area got new paint, lots of new to me furniture (and a few actual new pieces). And the downstairs where the most changes have taken place are where I spend the bulk of my time. I do sleep in the bedroom (I have a new mattress and box springs. It was one of the first things I purchased, and really I couldn't sleep up there until I bought that.

When my therapist found out about the big clean out/ tossing of things she cautioned me to slow down and to keep some stuff. Well, she couldn't tell me what to keep of course, and there's some stuff I just don't know what to do with. Like my wedding dress. I hate to toss it out, I hate to keep it as a constant reminder. There is a trend for ladies to deconstruct wedding dresses and make crafty things out of them, but can I really take a scissor to it? I don't know. Should I give it to my goddaughter to play dress up? I don't know, and I still have some time. I mean I guess I have loads of time to decide. I'll tell you something though. It lives in the cedar chest that belonged to my mom. In a black plastic garbage bag. It's held up great this way, and I used to take it out of the bag at least once a year, on my anniversary and try it on. It still fit last year. It would be a bit big now... judging by the way my other clothing fits. I didn't do it in front of Allen because he saw me in it the first year and told me it was weird for me to have it on, that people didn't do that. So I just didn't do it in front of him after that. But I did it. And it was way better than having it stored in some sealed box to never be opened.

What do people do with those things anyway?

I also don't know what to do with all the action figures. I've given a ton of them to friends, but there are so many more. There's just not much I WANT to keep. I kept all of our Christmas decorations, but really Christmas was so traumatic around here I don't know why. I can't imagine going and opening that big box and seeing the Pepe Le Pew and Penelope embracing with the year we were married on a banner in front of them. What do you do with things like that? The memory of buying the ornament good, the fact that it got to hang on like 3 Christmas trees in 15 years, BAD!

There are movies I won't ever watch, games I will never play, musical instruments and baseball cards I want to sell but have no idea of their value. There are writings I find in hundreds of notebooks that drive me insane because of the obvious fact that they are in some stage of editing which I know would NEVER have been complete because NOTHING was ever complete because of some inane ability never to be able to finish things even when he would be so harsh on other people for not finishing things themselves. (We often loudly discussed how his works were never "finished" and ready for "others" to see/read/hear.)

What do I do with these things?

As I figure it out, it gets done. I have fed the dumpster, taken clothing to goodwill, given tokens to friends as I thought they'd like or want them. But I have a ways to go, and I have friends who are coming to help with the hard things. I need to get those dates hammered down.

Any other suggestions are welcome :)

Important Questions

When Allen first died, all I could focus on was the fact that he was gone. No longer would I have someone to call when I needed to talk about anything, no longer would there be arms to have around me. There was no one left for me to grow old with. There was no one here for me to worry about. There was no one left for me to focus on.

Now I'd have to deal with me. Who am I, what do I want out of life? What do I like?

Most people probably think they know the answers to these questions, but when you have been part of a pair for so long, it's hard to know what just your wants are.

The first really hard question someone asked me was what did I like?

I like a lot of things, but when I was asked I could still only think in the terms of what did "we" like? I'm not a "we" anymore. I like board games, and cardgames. I'm not so much into video games. I love movies and books. I like some television. I like wine. I love food. I like roller coasters and the beach. I like being outside. I like animals. I like bubble baths. And lots of other things I'm sure.

Who am I?
That's easy, I am Wonder Woman.

What do I want out of life?
I want to be able to live my life exactly as I choose and not feel guilty for not meeting someone else's goals and expectations. I want a partner that loves me for exactly what I am and not for what they would like me to be. I want to be able to move forward and not live a life full of "I wish" and "I regret".

I'm doing really well with all of these things right now. AND I believe they are all possible. I am moving in the very direction that I wish to and I'm very excited about it!