It had to happen...

There were a few things about my late husband (God rest his soul) that I could always count on.

1. Every situation would be picked apart and analyzed until there was nothing left.
2. NOTHING gets written in one go... there are always drafts.
3. a whole bunch of other stuff

Today I found a letter he wrote to his cousin. It was short and sweet and I got her address so I can mail it to her.

I found rough drafts of the suicide note. There were two. He even practiced making the sign he put on the kitchen door telling me to go get my neighbor. I'm confused at why it kind of upset me to see it. I guess it made me wonder how long he'd been planning, I don't know. It was just weird. It's days like these that make me wish it would all just disappear. I'd give up everything there just to not have to see any of it again. I feel like some people might think I'm a bad person for not wanting to read every scrap of paper. But I just want to make sure I'm not throwing away anything important. I just want to have it all over with, but not do it myself. That's the impossible part.

It could be worse.

It could be a lot worse, I could have been more than just bothered by it. I didn't freak out or anything. It was just weird.

:)

What has brought me here

I have a lot of petsitting to do for the next six weeks. One of the jobs is for the place I sat in May. All of May. And being in that particular condo again, well I'm so glad I get to stay there again before I'm finished with Memphis. That place, the lovely water and the space there to think. The company of the cats who really didn't want much attention. It's such a zen place and I'm glad I'll be there again.

The petsitting is awesome because it allows me to still go to my regular job but have a break from the house. the house which has become kind of like a living presence. It's weird. I feel more at home at most of the places I sit. It's like this house doesn't want me here, and I am HONESTLY not sure if it's all in my head, or if it's a real feeling. Friends have told me that it's a real feeling. And they've given me their opinions on what they think it is.

Is it a presence trying to change me back to the way I was?
Is it a presence trying to hasten my departure?
Is it bad energy that has been absorbed by the walls and is now leaking out and I'm just sensitive to it?
Is it the fear of the unknown?

I'm not sure. I did a little ritual before bed last night. I lit a sage bundle and smoked up the entire bedroom. I said a prayer. I addressed the house and my Allen (God rest his soul). I'm not sure it worked. I may have slept better, but I'm waking up so tired it's hard to tell. I only have a few more days to sleep here, then I have a couple of weeks where I will be paid to sleep elsewhere.  I'm getting enough to function, just not the good deep restful stuff that would make it easy to wake up :)

Maybe it is fear of the unknown, but I wouldn't think that would be affecting me now. It seems way to early for that. I dunno.

I want to sage cleanse the whole house. And yes, I will be including the garage.

And yes, I have thought of the fact that it could be the time of year. I haven't done any of the things I normally would have done at this time of year except go to the fair. There are no Halloween decorations out. No pumpkins or Jack O Lanterns. I have one pumpkin candy holder that I painted earlier this year. I'm not keeping any of the other things. Not even the wreath I made that was still on the door when he died. (My mom made me take it down, she said it was morbid). The stuff we had was OURS, and I only want to move forward with stuff I can see as MINE.

The WE/OUR that I was a part of is over. Forward is the direction I am going.