I just had a phone conversation with Allen's mom. It went well. I had wanted to tell her that I was ready to let go of ashes. And ask if she wanted some. I'm glad I asked.
The only thing I have done so far that wasn't what he wanted, is I have been holding on to some ashes. I have blogged about them before. I AM ready to let go... physically. I feel like I have emotionally moved so far past holding on to them. The only thing I was sad about talking to her was the fact that she started crying. I didn't mean to make her cry. She said she cries every day. I did lose both a husband and a grandfather, but she lost a son and her father. I can't imagine both of those things so close together.
I want her to have peace in her life. I feel like I have peace with it. Like everything has just happened that was supposed to. Maybe that's morbid.
Maybe it's selfish in some way.
I don't know and I don't care. I'm ok. I'm happy :).
I want everyone to be.
Hugs.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Anger Management
I have a special friend who recently spent 43 hours without electricity. And yes, it was hot. Miserably hot. I did a lot of worrying about what my friend was going through. We did stay in touch, via texting and some emails. Smart phones are wondrous devices. And through it all, there was no anger.
I find that situations make me reflect on the way things used to be, and the more I talk about them to my friends in constant contact... the more I realize that I was married to someone that no one else knew, at all really.
We have had some electricity issues here, in the house where I still live. We went away last year for a couple of days and came home to find that the big metal box that directs electricity to our home had given out, and so we spent many hot miserable hours (turns out this happened on the hottest day and night of the year LOL) waiting for the electric company to come and diagnose the problem (we only had half of whatever the amount of electricity is supposed to be coming to the house and that is a big deal if your appliances and a/c and everything needs all of the voltage to run...).
We have had storms that made the power go out for hours.
When we still lived in Tupelo, the stuff in the wall died and we had to have it all replaced, that happened in July which was very hot indeed!
So when I was thinking of my friend in the hot, I thought of the times when I was married and it was hot. And I noticed that my friend never texted angry words or sounded anything other than calm... like it happened, worse things happen to others all the time (funny enough, this is my normal reaction to the same types of situations). And then I would catch myself thinking of the hours of yelling that would accompany power outages at "our" house. I never understood how angry it would make Allen. We had no control over it, and the heat... it just felt worse to me to get upset and angry. It certainly didn't make me feel any cooler. And the angrier he got, the worse I felt because there was NOTHING I could do to make things better.
Yes I called MLG&W. No I couldn't make them fix it faster. Yes I knew it would be hard to sleep in the heat. Can't fix it.
I'm not going to say that I've never gotten upset over a situation that I had no control over, that would be a lie. But when the power goes out, I adjust. When it ices and snows and I still have to drive to work to care for the animals there, I leave really early and drive really slow. I don't get all mad and upset at the weather.
It's really hot and dry right now, and my godchildren are coming for the 4th of July. We hope to see fireworks, but they have already cancelled some displays that were scheduled for the weekend, so we may not see any. If we don't, it's ok. Everyone will live and we'll do something else. None of the adults will be mad over that at least.
I'm glad they are coming. July 4th is usually a holiday that I volunteer to work for someone else. No one swapped or traded holidays this year at work which is weird, but at least I'm having some company :). When I was asked weeks ago what I normally did, I told the truth. Allen always worked so he could see the fireworks from the building he worked in. Loads of the employees would bring their families to watch, but he always told me not to come down. It always made me feel unwanted. And honestly sometimes when others would tell me what his company was doing for employees and families it would make me feel a bit like he was ashamed of me.
That may be silly, but I know for certain I was embarrassing to him from time to time. He would tell me. I asked the wrong questions, I laughed to loud... Sorry I didn't really know I was going in this direction.
I went to see Magic Mike this weekend with a girlfriend, and afterwards we went to O Charley's to eat. We laughed and guffawed and told stories to one another and objectified the men in that movie unashamedly! I had a blast. My girlfriend didn't mind me laughing at all, she laughed with me. No one was angry that I went to see the movie (why would anyone be, really... it's a movie). I like not living with anger, and embarrassment. I like being confident to be who I am. It's really really nice when my friends talk about how happy I am.
I love being Wonder Woman...
I find that situations make me reflect on the way things used to be, and the more I talk about them to my friends in constant contact... the more I realize that I was married to someone that no one else knew, at all really.
We have had some electricity issues here, in the house where I still live. We went away last year for a couple of days and came home to find that the big metal box that directs electricity to our home had given out, and so we spent many hot miserable hours (turns out this happened on the hottest day and night of the year LOL) waiting for the electric company to come and diagnose the problem (we only had half of whatever the amount of electricity is supposed to be coming to the house and that is a big deal if your appliances and a/c and everything needs all of the voltage to run...).
We have had storms that made the power go out for hours.
When we still lived in Tupelo, the stuff in the wall died and we had to have it all replaced, that happened in July which was very hot indeed!
So when I was thinking of my friend in the hot, I thought of the times when I was married and it was hot. And I noticed that my friend never texted angry words or sounded anything other than calm... like it happened, worse things happen to others all the time (funny enough, this is my normal reaction to the same types of situations). And then I would catch myself thinking of the hours of yelling that would accompany power outages at "our" house. I never understood how angry it would make Allen. We had no control over it, and the heat... it just felt worse to me to get upset and angry. It certainly didn't make me feel any cooler. And the angrier he got, the worse I felt because there was NOTHING I could do to make things better.
Yes I called MLG&W. No I couldn't make them fix it faster. Yes I knew it would be hard to sleep in the heat. Can't fix it.
I'm not going to say that I've never gotten upset over a situation that I had no control over, that would be a lie. But when the power goes out, I adjust. When it ices and snows and I still have to drive to work to care for the animals there, I leave really early and drive really slow. I don't get all mad and upset at the weather.
It's really hot and dry right now, and my godchildren are coming for the 4th of July. We hope to see fireworks, but they have already cancelled some displays that were scheduled for the weekend, so we may not see any. If we don't, it's ok. Everyone will live and we'll do something else. None of the adults will be mad over that at least.
I'm glad they are coming. July 4th is usually a holiday that I volunteer to work for someone else. No one swapped or traded holidays this year at work which is weird, but at least I'm having some company :). When I was asked weeks ago what I normally did, I told the truth. Allen always worked so he could see the fireworks from the building he worked in. Loads of the employees would bring their families to watch, but he always told me not to come down. It always made me feel unwanted. And honestly sometimes when others would tell me what his company was doing for employees and families it would make me feel a bit like he was ashamed of me.
That may be silly, but I know for certain I was embarrassing to him from time to time. He would tell me. I asked the wrong questions, I laughed to loud... Sorry I didn't really know I was going in this direction.
I went to see Magic Mike this weekend with a girlfriend, and afterwards we went to O Charley's to eat. We laughed and guffawed and told stories to one another and objectified the men in that movie unashamedly! I had a blast. My girlfriend didn't mind me laughing at all, she laughed with me. No one was angry that I went to see the movie (why would anyone be, really... it's a movie). I like not living with anger, and embarrassment. I like being confident to be who I am. It's really really nice when my friends talk about how happy I am.
I love being Wonder Woman...
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