I'm going...

I am moving out of this house on Sunday. The house where "things happened." I feel like this is the final step so I can have complete and total control over myself. I'm moving far, far away. There is a sadness. I have some wonderful friends that I am going to miss. I have a friend here that I talk to on a daily basis right now. I plan to continue checking in with her. I have another friend I check in with on a daily basis. I plan to keep that up as well. These two people live in different states, but I know they both care about me and have done more than a friendship requires in my life. I love them both dearly for it, and they would give me anything they have to offer as I would them. It's not everyday that you make friends like that.

Every night this week is taken by someone else as a goodbye dinner type thing. It's happy and sad. I'm doing my best to keep everyone upbeat because that's what I want. My mother certainly doesn't support my decision to live my own life, and my friends are giving me that support, well my friends and my Daddy and my siblings.

I had a friend comment recently on the fact that "I'm the glue." And it's true, and sometimes the glue that holds all the family relationships together feels like a terrible burden. So I'm kind of forgiving myself of that duty. I don't love anyone less, but for the first time in my life, I love ME more. I am worth more than days of headaches and heartaches trying to make everyone else happy. I am just as important as anyone else, and it is PAST time for me to realize that.

That being said, I am so thankful to have taken this year to be so reflective and to listen to me for once. To follow my inner voice that never tries to mislead me. She always wants me to do the right thing for me, even when I fight her on it.

:)

Adventure is coming!

In 1989 I read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy for the first time. I started with what I consider the first book... The Hobbit (yes, I realize that makes my trilogy have four books). I then read the books in order, always starting with The Hobbit over and over again, a minimum of once per year, but sometimes twice every year until 2001. I've read them at least once since then, but since the movies came out... I dunno, it's different.
I enjoy reading books more than once if I really really like them.  Some people have told me it's weird or boring, but those same people watch their favorite movies more than once so, I don't really see the difference. I mention the books because if life is like a story, I feel I'm starting a brand new volume. Not just a new chapter.

The days are counting down to what will be my farthest move so far from the place where I was brought up. I am terribly excited. A lot is going on. The one year anniversary of Allen's (God rest his soul) passing is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I won't be at the house for it. That much I know. Tomorrow is the anniversary of our visit to the haunted corn maze. We went last year with a group of people I work with. It was a blast! We had a ton of fun. I have a smiling photo of Allen from that night. It was less than a month later that he was gone. I'm going with some of the same people this year. Next Saturday. My godchildren and their parents are coming along.

I feel a bit weird sometimes about going, but I want to do it. I feel like I need to.

I don't have any Halloween stuff out at my house, but I've been petsitting so much, I've barely been home. Also, I've started clearing out for moving. It does seem a bit odd. I do enjoy Halloween, but I have no plans for it this year. Nothing to do. I have a strange desire to buy a terribly slutty costume, but Ang says it's just because I wasn't allowed to before. And that is probably true.

Busy week :)

I'm smiling because it's almost too much. Almost but my brain hasn't really reacted in the way I've expected... yet. The one year anniversay approaches. I know I'm dreading it, I mean who wouldn't. I know that I should plan some "grieving" time but I'm not ready to think about that today (Thanks Scarlett O'Hara).

Last Monday I found out my father had leukemia. By the time Friday rolled around, he was really sick. I left on Sunday to go visit him in the hospital and wound up staying until Tuesday evening. When I got there Sunday he looked ok. Had a bit of patechia on his back and upper arms. By Monday evening it had spread all over his chest and Tuesday morning it spread up his neck to his face, and his liver and kidneys weren't doing well so his skin and eyes had a yellow cast. I know he is not a dog, but in the animal hospital, if a pet had everything going on that Daddy did, we'd be hoping the owner would put the pet out of it's misery.

I don't want my dad to suffer. And I stayed with him in the hospital room on Monday night. I've not spent the night with a patient before. The hospital people come in every couple of hours to take vitals and blood and make sure you are ok. Daddy rested really well, and I only had to help him with bathroom things once (other than hand him the urine bottle thing they measure his output with).

The one time I had to help him he kept saying that for all the time he changed my diaper and wiped my bottom, he never EVER thought I'd have to help him out like that. I'm not sure who it was odder for. I really didn't mind, it's one of those things, that I had never thought about doing... but you just do it.

I keep thinking I'm ok. I know in the great scheme of things I will be ok. I don't know where this holding on to stuff came from. I didn't grow up holding things in. I was always the "sensitive" one. I cried at the drop of a hat. I let it all out as soon as it came in.

I feel the tears building up. they won't come out. I keep thinking if Allen was still alive, I'm not sure which Allen would be with me. Sometimes if he was wrapped up in himself, he would get angry when I got upset about sick people in other states. I don't know if he'd still be that way. I had a couple of family deaths not too long after we'd been married. My grandfather died the day we got back from our honeymoon. It was my Daddy's Dad. Allen wouldn't ask off work for the funeral because he'd just been off for a week.

I can't even remember if he went to the funeral home with me.

The next death that was close to me was my Big Mama. She was sick for months. I don't remember how many, it was probably just two, but it felt like forever. She died a few years after my Dad's dad. She was diabetic, and had a blood clotting disease. She had her legs removed and never left the hospital. She died exactly the way she told me she would for years and years. She told me she'd have to have her legs removed and then she would die. She skipped the part about holding on for many, weeks and us getting to watch her slowly die. But in a nutshell it was just the way she said it would be.

The fact that I drove over to Alabama (we lived in MS at the time) everytime the doctors said they didn't think she'd live until the morning almost caused us to get a divorce. He had never lost anyone close to him like that before. He didn't like me leaving him alone so much. I never regretted going.

He did attend the viewing for an hour or so and then came to the funeral. He stayed with his parents and I stayed with my Big Mama's body all night with my mom and siblings. It was what she had asked us to do.

I don't know what my Dad wants. I don't know that he really cares about anything in particular. I don't want him to suffer, but it's kind of scary to think that soon he's not going to be just a phone call away. He isn't really now, I don't think he could hear me well enough if I did call to tell him something.

I feel a flood of emotions building up, but I have no idea how to get them to come out. I have some theories, and will practice them at some point. I've never been this person who kept things inside... it's kind of weird.

It had to happen...

There were a few things about my late husband (God rest his soul) that I could always count on.

1. Every situation would be picked apart and analyzed until there was nothing left.
2. NOTHING gets written in one go... there are always drafts.
3. a whole bunch of other stuff

Today I found a letter he wrote to his cousin. It was short and sweet and I got her address so I can mail it to her.

I found rough drafts of the suicide note. There were two. He even practiced making the sign he put on the kitchen door telling me to go get my neighbor. I'm confused at why it kind of upset me to see it. I guess it made me wonder how long he'd been planning, I don't know. It was just weird. It's days like these that make me wish it would all just disappear. I'd give up everything there just to not have to see any of it again. I feel like some people might think I'm a bad person for not wanting to read every scrap of paper. But I just want to make sure I'm not throwing away anything important. I just want to have it all over with, but not do it myself. That's the impossible part.

It could be worse.

It could be a lot worse, I could have been more than just bothered by it. I didn't freak out or anything. It was just weird.

:)

What has brought me here

I have a lot of petsitting to do for the next six weeks. One of the jobs is for the place I sat in May. All of May. And being in that particular condo again, well I'm so glad I get to stay there again before I'm finished with Memphis. That place, the lovely water and the space there to think. The company of the cats who really didn't want much attention. It's such a zen place and I'm glad I'll be there again.

The petsitting is awesome because it allows me to still go to my regular job but have a break from the house. the house which has become kind of like a living presence. It's weird. I feel more at home at most of the places I sit. It's like this house doesn't want me here, and I am HONESTLY not sure if it's all in my head, or if it's a real feeling. Friends have told me that it's a real feeling. And they've given me their opinions on what they think it is.

Is it a presence trying to change me back to the way I was?
Is it a presence trying to hasten my departure?
Is it bad energy that has been absorbed by the walls and is now leaking out and I'm just sensitive to it?
Is it the fear of the unknown?

I'm not sure. I did a little ritual before bed last night. I lit a sage bundle and smoked up the entire bedroom. I said a prayer. I addressed the house and my Allen (God rest his soul). I'm not sure it worked. I may have slept better, but I'm waking up so tired it's hard to tell. I only have a few more days to sleep here, then I have a couple of weeks where I will be paid to sleep elsewhere.  I'm getting enough to function, just not the good deep restful stuff that would make it easy to wake up :)

Maybe it is fear of the unknown, but I wouldn't think that would be affecting me now. It seems way to early for that. I dunno.

I want to sage cleanse the whole house. And yes, I will be including the garage.

And yes, I have thought of the fact that it could be the time of year. I haven't done any of the things I normally would have done at this time of year except go to the fair. There are no Halloween decorations out. No pumpkins or Jack O Lanterns. I have one pumpkin candy holder that I painted earlier this year. I'm not keeping any of the other things. Not even the wreath I made that was still on the door when he died. (My mom made me take it down, she said it was morbid). The stuff we had was OURS, and I only want to move forward with stuff I can see as MINE.

The WE/OUR that I was a part of is over. Forward is the direction I am going.

Being True to Myself... and my Therapy Blog

I've been needing to blog this week, but I've been in denial. Sleepless nights have proved to me that I can't just try to keep things inside. I know better, I've spent months learning better. I took 1/2 a benedryl last night to ensure I could sleep. I'd not had much sleep at all for various reasons since Saturday night, where I stayed up way too late scrapping then chatting.

I have made some hard decisions lately, and they are scary.

This weekend I am taking what is left of Allen back to Alabama. I've said and said I'm done with the ashes and he didn't want me holding on to them anyway, and I AM done with them. It's time I don't have anything feeling like it's physically weighing me down. His ashes are going to his mother. She already has some, but when I asked if she'd like some more she said yes. Enough said.

I'm going to have lunch with his mom and Nana. I just am dreading being made to feel weird. Before Allen died, they always let me know that they thought I wasn't up to their social standards. I always thought it was weird, his mom grew up on a farm, much like the country atmosphere I grew up in, but they actually had cows. We had gardens and a well, but no livestock. PawPaw was the only one who treated me like normal people. Like I didn't have to be shown manners (I never once wiped my hand on my sleeve or arm I swear!) I have always been as much myself as I could be (allen permitting) around these people. But I was raised feeling free to speak my mind and give my input on things (stuff they didn't really want to hear unless it agreed with what they already thought).

Anyway I'm getting off point. I'm not really afraid of them, I just don't know how to act. All of a sudden people who didn't have anything to do with me for years want me to be a part of their lives. They want me to stay in touch because they feel (I'm guessing) that I'm some sort of link to Allen. And really, I'm not. I can't link them to anything they chose to not be a part of. I can't help them to know him better. Hell, I was married to him and right now, this minute, I don't really feel I knew him.

I just want to move forward. I don't want to be sucked into anything or any relationship that is going to be weird and mired in the past. I've told them I'm moving, I've told them (and not you until now) that I'm getting rid of this house.

I'm trying a short sale, but if that doesn't work I'm choosing the deed in leiu of foreclosure option. The people at the mortgage co. are so nice. As soon as you tell them our spouse committed suicide in the house THAT YOU STILL LIVE IN they stop trying to talk you into staying.

The way the house is going is terribly emotional for me. as much as I try not to, I feel kind of like a loser. It doesn't matter how much I didn't want to live here in the beginning, I still agreed. It's called honoring your spouse, and it BURNS sometimes, I mean physically there is pain when I consider all the uncharitylike things I did for so many years!! I want to scram out and find out WHY I DIDN"T MATTER MORE! Why?

So I'm going to Bama, I haven't even told my Mom yet, because I don't really want to have a bad experience with her. I'm tired of feeling judged. I just want her to respect me and my opinions and the way I want to live my life. I have tried for many years to just stay respectful of the things she has done.

Wow, it really comes pouring out like tapping a Maple tree thick with sap, huh?

I am planning to visit some new friends and old ones. I am hoping the weather is going to be ok. It's supposed to rain. I just want a safe trip on top of everything else.

The house is weird, it's becoming the time of year the house got decorated. Fall/Halloween/Thanksgiving. The orange and black and purple and red, I don't know if I want to dig stuff out. I don't know how much of it I'll move with me. Right now I know I will take the jackolantern candy jar I painted this spring at paint a piece. It's mine. Some things here don't feel like they are mine. So I'm thinking if it's not mine, it can't live with me.

My company is taking the employees to the fair next week. I just found out that one of my friends' spouses thinks it's weird that I'm so excited to go, because I went with Allen last year.

I didn't feel weird at all until then and now I keep asking myself if I should feel weird. I keep coming up with no as an answer but wonder if people will judge me if I go.

I don't want to be judged.

I just want people to live their lives and let me live mine.

Birthdays gone

August 2nd would have been Allen's birthday. He would have been 38. It wasn't hard. I planned for some sad time, but really didn't get sad. He had a strict "no acknowledging my birthday" policy which was always hard for me. Birthdays were always the one day you got to pick what you wanted for dinner and everyone seemed just a bit nicer when I was growing up. I wasn't going to do anything at all, but then it was suggested that I at least get some cupcakes or something and I did. I spent the morning at home alone. Then I packed up some scrapbook supplies and headed to my friend P's house for the day (after stopping by my FAVORITE cupcakery here). We scrapped and chatted and enjoyed the most delicious cupcakes.

It wasn't sad. It was ok. It was nice to be able to say out loud it was his birthday and cringe every time his phone rang because he didn't take calls on his birthday. He really didn't like them.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party for a 3 year old. My co-worker's granddaughter. It was a ton of fun. And I met a very special person there. I actually knew in advance that he MIGHT be there and that made it even more important for me to stop by. I met the man who picked up Allen's body. He is actually the one who cut him down.

He answered questions for me that no one else would, but he was so careful with his words. He answered slowly and kept asking if I was ok. I was. I really wanted to know the few things that he told me. I told him that my neighbor refused to tell me any details about what he found, and that we were no longer speaking to one another. He seemed surprised at that, but he doesn't really know my neighbor so... oh well :).

I felt relieved after we spoke.

Relieved to know that tiny bit of information that I couldn't quite work out in my head.

Knowledge is power!

Phone Calls

I just had a phone conversation with Allen's mom. It went well. I had wanted to tell her that I was ready to let go of ashes. And ask if she wanted some. I'm glad I asked.

The only thing I have done so far that wasn't what he wanted, is I have been holding on to some ashes. I have blogged about them before. I AM ready to let go... physically. I feel like I have emotionally moved so far past holding on to them. The only thing I was sad about talking to her was the fact that she started crying. I didn't mean to make her cry. She said she cries every day. I did lose both a husband and a grandfather, but she lost a son and her father. I can't imagine both of those things so close together.

I want her to have peace in her life. I feel like I have peace with it. Like everything has just happened that was supposed to. Maybe that's morbid.

Maybe it's selfish in some way.

I don't know and I don't care. I'm ok. I'm happy :).

I want everyone to be.

Hugs.

Anger Management

I have a special friend who recently spent 43 hours without electricity. And yes, it was hot. Miserably hot. I did a lot of worrying about what my friend was going through. We did stay in touch, via texting and some emails. Smart phones are wondrous devices. And through it all, there was no anger.

I find that situations make me reflect on the way things used to be, and the more I talk about them to my friends in constant contact... the more I realize that I was married to someone that no one else knew, at all really.

We have had some electricity issues here, in the house where I still live. We went away last year for a couple of days and came home to find that the big metal box that directs electricity to our home had given out, and so we spent many hot miserable hours (turns out this happened on the hottest day and night of the year LOL) waiting for the electric company to come and diagnose the problem (we only had half of whatever the amount of electricity is supposed to be coming to the house and that is a big deal if your appliances and a/c and everything needs all of the voltage to run...).

We have had storms that made the power go out for hours.

When we still lived in Tupelo, the stuff in the wall died and we had to have it all replaced, that happened in July which was very hot indeed!

So when I was thinking of my friend in the hot, I thought of the times when I was married and it was hot. And I noticed that my friend never texted angry words or sounded anything other than calm... like it happened, worse things happen to others all the time (funny enough, this is my normal reaction to the same types of situations). And then I would catch myself thinking of the hours of yelling that would accompany power outages at "our" house. I never understood how angry it would make Allen. We had no control over it, and the heat... it just felt worse to me to get upset and angry. It certainly didn't make me feel any cooler. And the angrier he got, the worse I felt because there was NOTHING I could do to make things better.

Yes I called MLG&W. No I couldn't make them fix it faster. Yes I knew it would be hard to sleep in the heat. Can't fix it.

I'm not going to say that I've never gotten upset over a situation that I had no control over, that would be a lie. But when the power goes out, I adjust. When it ices and snows and I still have to drive to work to care for the animals there, I leave really early and drive really slow. I don't get all mad and upset at the weather.

It's really hot and dry right now, and my godchildren are coming for the 4th of July. We hope to see fireworks, but they have already cancelled some displays that were scheduled for the weekend, so we may not see any. If we don't, it's ok. Everyone will live and we'll do something else. None of the adults will be mad over that at least.

I'm glad they are coming. July 4th is usually a holiday that I volunteer to work for someone else. No one swapped or traded holidays this year at work which is weird, but at least I'm having some company :).  When I was asked weeks ago what I normally did, I told the truth. Allen always worked so he could see the fireworks from the building he worked in. Loads of the employees would bring their families to watch, but he always told me not to come down. It always made me feel unwanted. And honestly sometimes when others would tell me what his company was doing for employees and families it would make me feel a bit like he was ashamed of me.

That may be silly, but I know for certain I was embarrassing to him from time to time. He would tell me. I asked the wrong questions, I laughed to loud... Sorry I didn't really know I was going in this direction.

I went to see Magic Mike this weekend with a girlfriend, and afterwards we went to O Charley's to eat. We laughed and guffawed and told stories to one another and objectified the men in that movie unashamedly! I had a blast. My girlfriend didn't mind me laughing at all, she laughed with me. No one was angry that I went to see the movie (why would anyone be, really... it's a movie). I like not living with anger, and embarrassment. I like being confident to be who I am. It's really really nice when my friends talk about how happy I am.

I love being Wonder Woman...

All Your Bad Days Will End

So the Flaming Lips are going to perform tomorrow afternoon in Memphis. One of their albums in particular helped me through some of the darkest days right after Allen died. The song above was on the Batman Forever. It was the song that introduced Allen and thus myself to the Flaming Lips (I mean, I think we'd all heard She Don't Use Jelly beforehand...).

A person's age makes them of age to do things like buy alcohol legally, but it doesn't teach them to drink responsibly. Life is full of things that shape who we are. There are people who go around being busy little ants and people who are carefree grasshoppers. There was a tiny window of time at the end of 2011 when I wanted to throw away every single bit of the person I was to become someone else. I'm glad that feeling passed. I'm not a grasshopper. I am an ant. And I am proud to be that way. It doesn't mean I never have fun, but it means I am smart about it. The craziest thing I did was to go to Arizona, but I did think about it, and very carefully. I don't regret any of it. It was the really jumping off point. It was ONE of the decisions that made it ok for me to acknowledge who I have been all along. I broke a lifelong pattern of bad decisions, I decided I alone had control of my future and that I was no longer going to be stepped on by people who called themselves my friends.

I gave myself my permission to let go of anyone who made me feel bad rather than build me up, I allowed new people into my life.

My life. That's what it is. Only I can make it good or bad. By the people I allow into it, and the decisions I make.

Milestones... small but significant

I passed a milestone today quite unexpectedly. I didn't even know this would be one, but I think it is and I think it's important!

I was meeting a client for a petsitting job and there were some questions that I answered that implied that I was no longer married, but not once did I say that my spouse was dead. And I certainly didn't use the phrase "he hung himself in our garage." As pitiful as it may sound, that phrase or "he's dead" or "he died" are all that I've been able to come up with so far. Tonight I carefully worded my answers so that I wouldn't call any extra attention to the fact that I was not currently married.

It felt great!

Wedding Anniversary

It was sixteen years ago today that I got married to my first husband. This is the first anniversary without him, but not the first to go uncelebrated as a couple. The anniversaries that we actually celebrated were years: 1, 5, 10.

Last year he was too depressed. And I was hurt, I wanted to be important and for the day to be special and celebrated in SOME way.

Today was nowhere near what I expected. The day started with an email from Allen's mother that freaked me out. It was nice, but it freaked me out. Then my mom called and left a message that I refuse to listen to because the voice transcription in my email made me sad to read it. I was very short tempered and what my sister told me was "hypersensitive" all morning. At lunch I posted on FB that it WAS the anniversary of the wedding and that I was ok in hopes of stopping people from contacting me with "that" tone in their voice because I cant stand it. And this afternoon I felt the funk lifting, I went to dinner with a GREAT girlfriend of mine and we laughed and talked for a few hours. It was GREAT. (and yes, I had A drink but that means only 1).

I thought this day was going to be SO MUCH WORSE than it was.

It really wasn't bad at all, I mean I really thought I'd be crying and depressed.

huh!

Yay me.

It's almost the date...

It's almost the date that used to be my wedding anniversary. People tell me that I can still call it that. I don't want to. I want some other words for it. Allen promised me after we got married that we'd celebrate the ones that ended with 5 and 0... barring the first. He said we didn't need to celebrate every year.

He didn't.

Last year was 15 years. We did not celebrate, he didn't feel like it.

I'm not saying I wanted a big gift, but I wanted the day to be special. We certainly argued about the date long enough. I originally wanted to get married on Halloween so we wouldn't be stuck expected to wear a white dress and a tux. I wanted it to be FUN. I wanted it to be us.  

I wanted to hear the words Happy Anniversary every year. I wanted to know it meant as much to him that we dedicated our lives to one another. I'd rather have had him forget the actual date than to just watch it go by.

When you think about it these are the ones we had to celebrate by his "rules": 1,5,10,15.

That's not very many.

I've always kind of felt bad about the not celebrating of our anniversary. It's a something I should have fought for. Maybe. 

Maybe it'll be easier because it'll be more normal?

It's weird because most days I don't really think about it. I guess I only thought about it today because I'm off work and noticed the date. 

Maybe that's why I had that dream the other day.

Bad Dreams

I had my first nightmare about Allen this morning. I'm staying in a fabulous condo on Mud Island and last night was the first night I couldn't get to sleep. I did have some things on my mind, but I didn't think I was that worried, I guess so LOL.

I kept waking up and laying down and finally fell asleep some time after midnight. I dreamt I went home to some basement apartment. Everything in it was white. It had windows that were short and up a the top of the walls and outside the windows were trees and the sun was shining. When I got home Allen was there. When I saw him I was ANGRY. I wanted to know how he could put me through everything I have been through. He didn't know what I was talking about. I told him the suicide, the fact that he was dead. He didn't understand why I told people he was dead. Then he said he'd have to kill himself now, because of me. Because I had already told everyone that he was dead. We had a massive fight. He tried to run out of the front door and I climbed out the window and beat him to the front door. I was determined not to let him do it, not to let him do it because of me.

I woke myself up crying.

I've been thinking, trying to decide all day what it might have meant. I'm thinking it just means I have some guilt, about not keeping him from harming himself. But I know it wasn't the answer. I know it wasn't going to be any sort of life for either one of us. I'm sure that it has something to do with the fact that I've talked to others with similar depressed spouse issues, and they have done what I did not.

I have two friends who've done it. And I chose not to. It's not bad or wrong, it just wasn't for us, and that's ok. I'm not wrong and I wouldn't change anything I did.

Not Guilty

I was feeling very guilty about not blogging here every day. But it's not as important as it used to be. It's only important now if I think of something I want to talk about. Things don't come up so often. I made contact with someone from my/our past recently. A relationship that had ended badly. Friendships severed for ridiculous reasons. P had the most awesome news. He has a dvd of Allen playing a song I thought was lost forever. I don't remember the lyrics, he wrote it for his father who committed suicide. I only remember little snatches of it.

Allen and I were a singing duo for a minute in college, when we were friends, before we ever went out. We called ourselves "Into the Moment". We both wrote songs (this means I wrote 1 song LOL). I sang and he played guitar. No gigs or anything although some friends heard us play a bit and I used to sing all the time... I'm getting back there :)

Anyway I was dating P at the time and Allen and myself and P's friend A were all hanging out and performing different songs and stuff, there was a camcorder involved and miraculously P has that video on a dvd now. He said he'd send it to me asap, but warned me it might be hard to watch.

Music has been so important to me, I lost it for a while. It's not to me like it is to some people, but the right music can put me in the emotional frame I am trying to get to. It helps pull me out of my funk when I need out, it helps me cry when I can't make the tears come myself. I heard the song Time of Your Life by Green Day today. I cried just a little.

It's the only song by Green Day I can name off the top of my head. When I first heard it I thought it would be an awesome song to play at a funeral. Now I think it's fitting for people who have come through a big change and come out on top. I'm not really sure why I cried today. I'm sure I'll cry again... I am a girl after all :).  I truly believe I have made it through the worst time. I don't know, what used to be my wedding anniversary is coming but really how sad can it be. That day is a happy memory. The anniversary of his death will be sad, but I'm still here and life is going on. Life is unpredictable. I am grateful for everything that has happened and all the friends I've made and kept. I'm happy that the people who left that I thought were friends are gone. I don't need them in my life. I'm going to watch the dvd when I get it and remember how happy singing made me then. It makes me just as happy now. I remember A making fun of me for singing Allen's suicide ballad and smiling. I couldn't help it. It wasn't the song that made me smile, it was the processing of emotions in such a positive way. They were cathartic for Allen and hearing the song and performing the song was a gift to himself. It was an honor when he let me sing it. He never liked the artistic license that I took with the melody until I successfully argued that the actual singer should get to add their own contribution (his answer to that was not to let me record it on the 8 track LOL).

I am forgiving myself for not blogging as often as I used to, it's that time. And it's perfectly normal :)

Learning about me

I feel like I learn more about myself all the time, I guess it's because I'm spending so much time with me now :).

I spent several hours today at my actual house, did some laundry and went for a run. The more time I'm away from that space, the harder it is for me to find myself in the things that are there. It's like they were mine... even the newer stuff. The new things that re there are lovely, but they were chosen quickly and I was "helped" a good bit :).

The only thing I'm not really fond of at all, is the big brown chair. It's comfy, but given more time and shopping, I think it could have been a much better anything...

The stuff that was tucked away but is now sitting out makes me happy. The rest of it, eh...

I don't know, the place feels like it has no soul in it now. I don't know if it's because no one is really living there right now or what. It doesn't make me sad, or anything really... it's just there. A container for belongings. It's weird.

I also am almost ready to go through stuff on shelves again and "thin out" more stuff. Some books are just there because they are on my list of things I might want to read... but I have a library card now :).

I don't want to hold on to anything for the sake of "having" it. I did that for far too long.

Surprises about Living Alone... or Thinking Problems LOL

I have lived far to long to have just experienced "Iron Poor Blood." Maybe it's Geritol time for me :).

Anyway I noticed yesterday that I was strangely overly tired and so when I got off work I ran some errands that included some groceries and came "home" to rest. (Home is in quotes because I'm petsitting in someone else's fabulous home.)

I'be been reading a lot and eating fruit, crackers, leftover cupcakes and just snacky type items. There has been food like fruit and stuff at work so I haven't been cooking and I've been not dropping by and picking up burgers and I know I should be eating better but it's been enough. But yesterday I was SO tired.

By last night my head was really fuzzy and I was having trouble putting thoughts together and reading wasn't going well and blast it, something was WRONG! So I did what ladies do, I called a girlfriend, described my symptoms and then she asked me a couple of questions and then tells me that my iron is low and I need vitamins and red meat ASAP. This is impossible at the moment because I don't even think I can walk down the three flights of stairs to my car in my current condition. So I start reading labels, eat some yogurt and a big salad, feel a bit better and go to bed.

This morning I ate more yogurt, some peanuts that were at work and then went and bought vitamins with extra iron, spinach for salad, and some red meat LOL. I can't tell you what a relief it is to have my brain functioning at a higher capacity again.

I also feel like an idiot for not taking better care of myself. I hate cooking for one, but I went ahead and made extra steak for dinner tonight and either tonight or tomorrow I can cook some hamburger patties to have with more salad :).

It's easy and not too fattening... I have a George Foreman to grill on :)

But let this serve as a warning to anyone newly single... or living by themselves... you have to eat right (even when you don't want to). The sad thing is, I didn't think I was doing so badly, I just need to make way more of an effort. :)

It's all good. At least I know what I like :)

Reading

I've been doing things since Allen died that I have always taken great pleasure in, but for some reason I haven't done them so much in recent years. I've been listening to music and reading.

I started listening to music right after he died. Before I got really sad, and before he got so very, very depressed, he used to introduce me to new music. He also used to put down my music (I am a product of my generation so I do allow myself a certain amount of hair metal bands...). I like a bit of every kind of music. I can't say that I hate all of any particular genre... I particularly like music that is happy and makes me feel good... and the stuff I know the words to. I love to sing. It makes me happy. I had practically stopped doing it at all by November. Now there's almost no day that goes by where I don't sing SOMETHING.

I read a book for my birthday, I read another today. And I've started a third.

It feels marvelous to be devouring fiction without someone telling me that I'm reading pointless literature. The first book I read this year was recommended to me and it was a short story. It was very special and a very me type book.

It's nice to know that someone cares enough to learn about you and simply recommend something that they think would appeal to you, and for them to get it exactly right... it's magical!

6 Months and 1 Birthday Down

Yesterday was a day I have been dreading for months. It was the six month anniversary of his death. I don't know why I thought the six month mark would be such a big deal, except that it was the day before my birthday, which was today.

I woke up and was sad for a few minutes in the morning. I did cry, but just a bit and thought about six months ago. Then I got up, dressed and did my petsitting deeds and then went to help a friend with some tasks around her house that needed more than one person to do them :).

It wasn't anywhere near what I expected to go through when he first died. I was glad I had plans to do something and glad I had allowed myself to grieve when I first woke up. My therapist said I needed to allot time for these feelings, so I never tried to smother them, I just gave in and let them out.

It was hardly worth mentioning.

Today started with me waking up and remembering my previous birthdays. Mine was the only birthday we celebrated. He didn't even want his acknowledged. I remembered that at some point on my birthday I usually cry every year. After I remembered that something usually happened that made me want to cry on my birthday I went ahead and gave in to the tears. I felt good because they were normal. The tone of the messages that were being left on my phone were not. While I was with my friend the day before people kept checking on me to see if I needed to do something on my actual birthday.

The last thing I wanted for today was "pity" plans. I went out with my friends J and A because they usually either take me out for a movie and meal or cook for me on or near my birthday. They've done it several years in a row now and that made it a totally normal birthday activity. I'm not going to lie, I thought about cancelling those plans all day long. But I didn't and it made me so very happy. A even make special cupcakes for me that are baked inside of icecream cones... YUM!! I had a really nice evening. And, I read a book today :)

I read the Hunger Games. It was way better than I expected (I did hate one minor part, but overall give the book a B++).

I did eventually call everyone back that had left messages for me this morning, when I felt I could talk no matter what they said.

I really think it could have been a terrible day, but not for Wonder Woman!

Today I am 37.

It was a good day.

Erratica

I feel a tiny bit guilty when I think... there's nothing to post, so I don't. I really and truly try to spend a little time each and every day finding something to write about that is on my mind, that has to do with stuff. But it doesn't always happen that way. I'm ok with it now, or ok with the fact that sometimes I'm just really, really happy and nothing comes to mind.

Today has been only a tiny bit different. Most of today I was so busy at work I didn't even get time for as many bathroom breaks as I would have like LOL. We had patients out the wazoo, and our kennel is full for the holiday so it was really noisy.

But on the way home I remembered that tomorrow is not only the day before the first birthday that I'll be alone, but tomorrow is exactly six months from the date that it happened. It was a date I had been dreading... now that it's only hours away from happening, I kind of feel like I did before Y2K. I feel like nothing is going to happen and things are going to be fine. But I feel I need to make some sort of stupid preparation just in case.

This time I can't just get some bottled water and call it good though, I have some petsitting work plans and some help out a friend plans. I think that'll be good. I'm really thinking everything is going to be normal... and it's stuff I'd do anyway.

I have similar stuff planned for Sunday. I'm sure it'll be fine.

:)

Again... totally relaxed

I'm petsitting away from home again. I love it here. River views, a massage chair, sweet kitties and I actually watched a television program as it was being broadcast last night. It's awesome! I'm so tired. I worked my hiney off today and reached some milestones.

I successfully prepped for the procedure I was assisting with alone... no help from anyone else, and I did it all right. I prepared discharge instructions that were perfect, and I logged all my drugs that needed to be logged. (I like to celebrate the small stuff). I haven't freaked out at all that my birthday is coming up (this weekend). It's going to be ok.

I am ok.

In fact, I'm pretty great!!!

Another Milestone

When I was in Bama over the weekend, I received an envelope left for me from Allen's mom. It was some stuff leftover from his childhood. It was a really sweet gesture. I didn't know how to feel about it at first. By now I have exchanged a few emails with her to let her know that while I appreciate her generosity, I'm moving forward and these tokens from a time when I didn't know Allen, that he never wanted to talk about or share with me, aren't things I need. I was so glad she understood.

Today I set his cellphone back to it's factory settings. I copied off the photos and then directly deleted the whole sheebang so that I could use it. I broke the screen on my own phone and his was the same type phone from the same carrier so I took it in and had it activated for me. I thought I would feel something... something sad. I almost talked myself into it, but this just proves to me that I AM good. I'm going forward and it's awesome.

Then Again...

I did have a good visit to Alabama, but this was the very first time that I felt like JUST a visitor. It was kind of weird. I noticed things that usually don't really bother me, and I felt like I didn't belong. I enjoyed my folks, but had agonized over where I might stay because I knew nowhere was going to feel... like home.

I'm giving my Mom some props here... she didn't start the "why don't you move back here" stuff that drives me up a wall, so I could talk to her. My Dad was acting super parental and asking me tons of questions which was GREAT. It was like hey, you can make your own decisions but I care and want you to know I'm here.

I went to "mend" some fences with someone from my past. It was the bf I had before I had my Allen. That relationship did not end on the best of notes and long story short, he had been trying to bring some decent closure to that for years with me just wanting to never deal with it (because Allen wouldn't have it of course). So I popped by on the off chance that he would be there, met his wife and daughter and we had a great talk.

I felt better than I have in a long time.

Also I think that it helped move the new me to a new level.

Actually I feel like this whole trip to Bama was to show me that I have transformed into the different person... that I may still be morphing but I am so far from where I was.

It was weird and special and incredible all at the same time.

Thanks Universe.

It Does Get Easier

I've been visiting family this weekend. I'll be heading back home this afternoon. I drove down on Friday way later than I expected, and then I chose some "unusual behavior" for myself.

Normally when I drive down to my Mom's I get here and then stay up WAY later just chatting with Mom. Then I'm exhausted and cranky and have to caffeine load and drive home half asleep. This time I drove down (I DID get off work a couple of hours later than anticipated), chatted for just a moment and then went to sleep. She did seem surprised, but she didn't act disappointed.

I woke up early on Saturday and we went to my favorite thrift store and then drove to my Sister's new place. We grilled out with my sisters for lunch then drove back to her house so I could change and drive to the "river" (a little house located on the bank of a river) to hang with some friends of mine that I've had since high school and some friends of theirs... and some of their mothers (and their kids). I had a wonderful time. It was great visiting with my friends.

These are friends that although they had met Allen, they didn't really know him because we never spent any time in Clanton as a married couple. They treated me the same as they always have. I have visited with them several times over the years, not a lot because usually if I made it this far South I mostly just saw family.

My favorite thing so far is that my mother didn't make a fuss over me going to visit with them. She didn't cry, or accuse me of not wanting to spend time with her. Also, she hasn't mentioned one word about me moving back to this state to live closer to her.

As a side note I have been frustrated by the gimpy wifi here. But when I drove to the river, I was totally sans phone connection.

I'm also really proud that didn't send me in to a full fledged panic attack :).

It was good for me to be disconnected. I got back to mothers before she and her husband returned from their evening out, and was in bed at a decent hour.

Is it weird that it's taken me so long to have such a good visit where I'm not just exhausted the whole time I'm here?

And as a side note, will I ever learn to use sunblock? I got sunburned grilling out at my sister's LOL.

The Importance of Ritual

People have rituals, and they are important in your day to day life. It may be as simple as a cup of coffee right after you wake up, before you do anything else, maybe it's that you sleep on the right side of the bed, or it could even be that you always take a bubble bath before putting your pajamas on then going to bed.
Whatever your rituals, they are important. If they are disturbed, then it's hard for you to carry on with your normal routine.
I think it's part of why things in general seem so overwhelming and hard when a spouse dies. They are a part of your day to day ritual. And until you accept and establish new rituals, everything is off.

I feel I have re-established some rituals for myself. It has made life in general so much easier. I think it's part of the same concept as to why some husbands and wives don't sleep well if their spouse isn't home with them "like normal" at night. They are just used to each other's nightly rituals.

It's sometimes the little things that you don't notice.

It really is the little things that are so important :)

And the Healing has Expanded!

I talked to Allen's Nana today. I wanted to see if I could drop a box off for his parents at her house and thus visit with her when I go to Alabama. She said it was fine. She was happy. Really happy! I could hear it in her voice. She said that it was SO GOOD to talk to me. Then she told me that his mom was having something made for me, and that she wasn't mad or upset or holding anything against me.

Ever think that something wasn't actually weighing on you and then find out it was?

It's a pretty weird feeling.

I cried.

I cried after I got off the phone with Nana. I don't even know why, it was just so awesome to find out that his mom doesn't blame me or hold anything against me. I mean, I did everything that I could do... or that I thought I could anyway.

I DO want to see Nana. I miss her. I miss having grandparents. They are awesome... like parents only less judgemental.

;)

Sweet Home Alabama!

So I have always considered that state my home state. I lived in Mississippi for 9 years, I've lived in Memphis for 7. I lived in Alabama for the first 21 years of my life.

When I lived and worked in Mississippi, people used to ask me how long I was going to live there before I would say I was from there. The answer was "I am never going to say I am from Mississippi."

Staying in a house that was so comfortable has really gotten me to thinking about the idea of "home" again. And all the connotations that go with that word. I still think of the state of Alabama as my home. I love visiting there. I hate sleeping there because I don't get a lot of actual sleep when I visit. Either I'm sitting up all night to speak with my friends, or I'm trying to spend the night at a parent's house and I don't sleep very well at those either. I'm going to visit this weekend. I haven't decided where I'm going to stay yet, but I have to do that by tomorrow LOL. There are also a few other people I need to check with. Ideally I will stay with someone who has wifi... it's weird but my preference. I don't like being anywhere that I can't be online should I feel the need. I didn't used to feel so desperate about the internet, but the fact that I might be somewhere it's not is scary to me now.

All my friends are here, or at least the friends that check on me every day. The friends that are my family. I'm never alone as long as I can log on to check on them... and they watch for me too.

It's nice to have someone make sure you are ok. It's important really.

It's quiet and lovely right now.

I hear birds chirping and the sun is shining but it's not hot outside.

I'm not the only person who has really noticed that this year seems different somehow. I know why it seems different to me, but others are having a different year for different reasons. It makes me wonder if the Mayans were right. I know there are things I am DEFINATELY doing this year before Decmeber... just in case ;)

Other than that it feels pretty good to be me right now (minus the allergies).

Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch...

I'm at home tonight. I had a wonderful day (except for sinus pain... LOL which I have a lot, but haven't had this year as bad as most).  I woke up at the relaxing dog sitting house, played with, fed and walked the dogs. I got dressed, straightened my hair, put on a tiny bit of makeup and some decent clothes, then went to the movies. I got to see the Avengers. I had been listening to The Geek Show Podcast which is the only podcast I am currently listening to with any kind of frequency, now that music is in my life again. I did listen to the spoiler episode... they warned me, but I am not as familiar with the Marvel universe as I am the DC universe and I wanted to make sure I picked up on everything I was supposed to. I went with my friend J and her mom A.

Avengers was AWESOME, and I got to see an extended Dark Knight Rises trailer before the movie. I did have a moment, on the way to the movie. I had a moment thinking about all the awesome movies that I was supposed to be seeing this year with a partner that was also looking forward to these movies. I had a moment where I was sad that he wasn't seeing them... then I remembered that it was his choice.

Choices seem to be a theme that run through super hero movies. I kept focusing on the dialog that felt aimed at me. We all have choices, every day. I have made the choices that have kept me going. It wasn't always my choice to keep going, but I had sense enough to listen to the people who said "get up". Not everyone will tell you to do that, not even the people who are supposed to love you and take care of you. Not getting up has never really felt like an option to me.

My surroundings for the most part are soothing and calm. The doghouse where I was this weekend had a lot of similar design principles going on that I have applied in my own home. I think the difference is mojo. Or maybe a combination of the fact that I associate only good memories with those spaces. We as humans can give power to things that deserve none. Words, and deeds are power, thoughts and feelings convey power too. It's the same thing as when people tell you that you need to smile when you talk on the phone because people can hear a smile in your voice... they can.

My friend J told me about a book she was reading on how to change the subconscious. Mostly it's by changing "I will" statements to "I am" statements and self-visualization. My favorite part of this is the fact that I have been doing this without really understanding that it was what I was doing. Now that I know the effect this can have, I'm going to work on it with more effort.

:)

Change of Place

I've been petsitting in a different city since Thursday. I've noticed SEVERAL things since getting here.

1. Apparently it's NOT unusual for a single woman to have nothing to eat, LOL

2. This house is so AMAZINGLY calm and soothing. I have felt such peace here and slept so well here.

3. Going by my house to pick up things... it's like it's not even my house, it's just the place where my stuff is. I just run in, grab stuff and run out. And, it feels awesome not to be there.

I'm actually surprised about number 3. I kept thinking that paint and move the furniture around, get rid of stuff that isn't me and the place would feel like mine. Nope. It doesn't. I don't know if there is bad mojo in the house, if I am just associating bad things there or what. I just know that every day that goes by my desire to no longer live at that house gets stronger.

I don't want to invest time or money into it, I just want away. I'm not really upset about it either. I thought that it would be hard, when I tell people they say they don't think they could ever leave or that they never would have gone inside that house again.

I think (and this is what I tell people) if we'd had children, if that had been the home of the "family" then I'd probably feel differently. But, it's not.

Don't worry, when I leave, it will be with purpose and I will have somewhere to go. I'm really very happy. I've had the best day ever today. And it's my last night in this house. I got home to THAT house for a week, then I have several weeks downtown in a LOVELY setting that I CAN'T WAIT to get to. It's a 3 story condo with balconies and river views. It's perfectly lovely!

:)

The Universe can encourage you :)

I believe that there are outside forces which help rule our lives. We decide how much we let them help. Some call them angels or demons, some call it karma... for the purposes of this post, I'm calling it the universe.

I know I have mentioned getting rid of things over and over again. Some things have been easy, and some have been hard. Some things I just haven't known WHAT to do with. The universe decided it had a plan for my extra cell phone today. I damaged my phone last summer. I don't even know how, I'd dropped it several times. That day I didn't drop it. I just walked around with it in my back pocket... and when I took it out later, it was broken.

I may have backed into a door or wall or something just right, who knows?

Anyway... today was SUPPOSED to be my day off. I got asked to come in (via text), so I did. We wound up working really, really late. Then for the next few days I have two petsitting jobs. One is just a driveby... let the pets eat and then walk twice a day... one is a spend the night job. It's a new place where I've never spent the night before. As I was walking the driveby pets today, my phone fell out of my pocket. The top portion on the front of my phone (yes, it's an iphone) shattered. A small piece of glass fell out.

I had been wondering why I was just holding on to Allen's phone... now I think mine is broken because I held on to his...

I need to let go. That's my lesson. It's ok. I'm ready now. It stays in a drawer with no power... it's ok. I'm calm and smiling and ready to do it. I probably won't get to until a day or so from now... but my phone still works... it just is gross looking and I'm afraid more glass is going to fall out of it.

We have to listen when that voice tells us to do something, or the universe will make something happen.

Using his phone, therefore deleting all his stuff to put mine on there... it's another way to make sure that I'm not keeping anything stuck in the past. You can't be stuck, you have to move forward.

I'm going :)

Revisiting Old? Friendships

I texted my neighbor for some help this week, yup... THAT neighbor. He is a wonder at household maintenance and would make a lovely husband for a man who could keep him in the manner he would love to be kept (which is first class all the way). I'm getting off topic. I texted Monday for some help, my A/C hasn't been working right, and the last time I called a "real" repairman, it was expensive and didn't last long. So I texted him, asked him for help, told him how much I could pay and amazingly it was repaired while I was still at work on Monday. I delivered payment and chatted for a minute, then I went home.

Tuesday I agreed to go look at some property and that wound up being a several hours long adventure that reminded me why I didn't at all mind not being in touch with him for so long. I mean, really. If you ask someone to do one thing, don't assume they'll do all your errands with you like they have no life of their own. (Even if you do buy them dinner.)

So Today when he texted me for a favor, I said I didn't want to do it and he started blowing up my phone about it, I wasn't really shocked so much as surprised at how quickly all the frustration came pouring back. My blood pressure went up. It was amazing.

He has forgotten I'm Wonder Woman.

I wonder what the least messy way to remind him is...

Really, They're gone...

I took the pet toys out of the house today. I sent Sayuri and Starbuck's (now known as Syrup and Star) favorite toys to them at their new home. I took the extras (I had a LOT of cat toys) to one of my docs at work who said his cat would love some new toys. I took the dog toys that were still in the house and gave them to my neighbor for his puppy.

So that basket that used to be full of toys is empty. It feels like a chapter has completely closed now... I don't know why I was hanging on to them except that the basket has always had pet toys in it...

I'm not sad.

It's a good thing :)

Not so Hard to Handle

I texted my neighbor to ask for help today. I haven't initiated contact with him since our falling out. He has asked me to let out his dog, and to please come look when it's face was swollen. I did the things he asked of me, but I've been very careful not to ask for anything in return.

My AC hasn't been working. I knew he could fix it, if he only would, and I knew I could negotiate a fair price with him. One we could both live with. I had a meeting with a new petsitting client after work and so I got home really late this evening.

I had texted to ask if he could work on my air this week, then I texted and told him how much it was worth to me (in dollars).

When I got home from meeting with my new client, there was a note in the door that my air was repaired. He accepted the amount I told him I could pay. No haggling... and that was it. When I took him his money, we visited a bit. It was ok. Not weird, he wasn't trying to get me to agree to do anything back for him, and wasn't prying into what I have going on.

It was really nice. And it felt like I was establishing myself in a new place. I feel like maybe, just maybe he knows I'm no longer a doormat.

I know it's a weird thing for a grown person to say... but really I'm not a doormat.

I used to let myself get treated like one.

It's nice to have the confidence not to do that anymore.

:)

Between you and me, it was a really scary thing to do. But I did it!

Relationship Dynamics

I have enjoyed close relationships with male friends for many years. Before and during college, my best friends were all male. There were just too few females that I trusted to get close to.

I have recently come to the understanding that because I am now single, at least some of my married male friends I need to start holding at a distance, because now, I am a single woman, which can be viewed as a threat.

I hate this.

But I can't blame them, it's scary. It's especially scary since I share so much history with some of them. I'd probably be scared of me too.

Something else new...

Thinking Time

For many years Allen complained that I wasn't introspective enough. My argument was that he was introspective enough for the both of us, and that I already knew myself. :)
I did know myself and my place as his wife. I am learning about myself all the time now. It's good to learn things.

Sometimes my thoughts for these blog posts come quick and easy. They used to just seem to be waiting for me to sit and collect them together and type them up. Sometimes now, they are hard and that's why I haven't been as diligent. A month ago I think it would have felt impossible that I might not have some thoughts I needed to write through. Now it seems normal enough, and that is a good thing. It's good to grow, and learn. It's good to let go of fear and pain. It's good to allow change to happen in your life (in mine).

I do like the woman I am. I am happy to report that. There are still so many things I want to see and do with my life, and I feel that I can make these things happen. I am not sure how, but I'm excited to find out.

It's Coming...

Only 24 more days until my birthday. I'm not a child so it's not like there's going to be a big party or anything... it's not even a "big" birthday (no fives or zeros at the end). This is going to be a strange year because this year it's really, really not a big deal.

Over the course of my marriage I learned that Allen hated, HATED birthdays and anything to do with reminding him it might at all be considered a special day. I agreed to stop making any sort of deal about his, as long as he agreed that mine could be special. And it always was... in some way.

Some years it was just the fact that he made a point to wake up in time to spend time with me before he went to work. (longer than the hour I'd sit with him on the couch in silence while he drank a pot of coffee to wake up) He made last year really special by buying me a really sweet gift that I did take out of the box piece by piece and look over and fondle right when he gave it to me (it was a Theresa Collins Stamp Maker). Other than that, it has been sitting in it's box, just like when I got it. I just haven't been able to make myself use it.

I know we went out for my birthday, but I can't for the life of me remember where. I know after we got home, I got my present, then he asked if I'd be mad if he went to sleep. I told him it was fine, of course. I never tried to stop him from sleeping, even when I wanted to beg him to stay awake and just hold me. It wouldn't have mattered. He didn't sleep half the time, he just laid there awake and not sleeping, I'd sit on this couch wishing I didn't have to be so very quiet.

This year I'll be at work, I'll be working the whole holiday weekend (my birthday always falls near Memorial Day). I'm glad I'll be working, I feel guilty when I don't miss him sometimes. I feel like it should still hurt more... but I know he wouldn't want me to hurt, he'd want me to be over it.

People keep asking what I want for my birthday.

I don't know what to tell them.

There's a million little things I'd like, and some big things as well, but none of them seem very birthday-y.

I got to go see the Addams Family Musical... that was awesome. I got a marvelous BBQ lunch from Romie's in Tupelo today... that was DELICIOUS (and being from the south, that's not something I pass out lightly to BBQ).

I know it will be ok, but the other thing is that the day before my birthday will be the 6 month anniversary from the day he died. For some reason I feel this is significant.

I don't know why about that either.

I guess I'll find out :)

Wanted to Share

Because these things are never shared... and I'm not sure what it means. I know it's a song. (I have typed it exactly as written in the notebook...)

Gemini Complex
she is an agent of cause
Effect does not give her pause
Turn it Out
Turn it Out

Free Spirit chained to the floor
Mercy shackles her more
Open Heart
Open Heart

Bruise the skin she had shoved
Past the life she once loved
Waiting For
Waiting For

Something better than Bliss
Clenching shadows in her fist

Turn your Safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Living the Life Bohemian
Turn it up. Turn it off
Give her a life worth saving
Turn it up Turn it off
She was a turnstyle reject
Turn it up Turn it off
Living a life of regrets
Turn it up Turn it off
It was the life she didn't neglect
Turn it up Turn it off
She thought the world was hopelessly perfect
Turn it up. Turn it off
She doesn't need your Charity
Turn it up. Turn it off
She lives a life of apathy and stitches
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off

Highs and Lows

I look over my old posts occasionally. I don't usually read a lot of them, I just look over the titles, tut tut myself for having such wild mood swings and then remember that those swings, they are why I started this blog.

I'm smiling right now.

There have been a few times recently when I haven't posted. The first one was a total surprise. The second one was where I was feeling so good, I didn't want to come here, to spend time where I might not be happy for even a moment. I wasn't afraid, I just was so enjoying my moment :).

And it's ok.

I called a close friend yesterday. I know there are some friends who wanted to know when I found any music that Allen used to write. I have a little on a couple of jump drives. I have some that is on some memory cards as well. I have decided that I'm giving it to them. There's nothing at all I can do with it, except listen. All this music is stuff that has not been shared with me, and I am not really interested.

That may sound cold, but I don't think so. There are things that weren't shared with me for reasons known only to Allen. I'll never know. And every day that goes by I'm more and more ok with it. The secrets are beginning to sting less.

Even if I take them badly, it's not personal. They weren't secrets because they had to do with me, they were secrets because they DIDN'T.

And...

he didn't want to hurt me.

I appreciate that he did not intend to hurt me.

I need to not hurt myself.

Minimalism

I recently went into the most wonderful place. A condo that I can report was decorated very minimalisticly. Ok, so that's probably not a real word, but let me tell you... it was so REFRESHING!!! I am not down to that level of getting rid of things yet...
I'm not sure I'll ever be there. But I was so happy to see that there was an adult in the South that can achieve that look and it not feel cold. The condo was warm and inviting. I can't wait to spend some time there :).

On that note, I have mentioned getting rid of things quite a bit here... I know some people might be wondering how I could possibly still have stuff. And some of you may be in a panic. Please note that I am not haphazardly tossing things, and if I doubt that I might regret letting it go, I'm holding on to it a while longer.

Sometimes after a few weeks or months it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to let it go.

I am getting a feel more for things I really like around the house... and I'm hoping one day soon to stop ordering things at fast food places that I don't actually eat (I hate Arby's sauce, but it's in my requested condiments auto string there so I say it everytime). I need to just stop going to fast food. There is nothing wrong with eating here. As it's summertime (practically) I can live on cereal and salad until the cool weather comes back LOL.

I feel like I've been making some big steps lately. It feels like things are moving along as they should be :)

It's Happening.

This weekend I spent with my mother and sisters doing yet some more clearing out. I crossed a real bridge yesterday. I found something when we were clearing out the study. It was a jump drive. This jump drive had some stuff on it similar to the stuff I found a couple of weeks ago.

I had thought enough ahead to look through it in private, not knowing what might possibly be on it. I didn't cry.

Did you hear me?

I didn't cry, didn't take it personal.

It was what it was. On the advice of the most important person whose opinion matters, I reformatted thus obliterating everything on the drive, made it clean and new.

The taint is gone.

I used my Wonder Woman powers on it.

The fact that I didn't dissolve into tears made me so happy.

The weekend was so trying, because of the sheer amount of stuff. Mini-hoarders was here helping me clear out...

It is exactly what needed to happen.

I want everything streamlined for the future.

I will not let my belongings control me, I control them.

Every day that passes I am feeling stronger and more secure.

I know what I want for the future and the way there is getting clearer and clearer.

I Asked for It

I love my family. I love them dearly and would fight anyone who crossed them fiercely. I can get really protective of people I love. Sometimes though, I wish they knew me better. Our dynamic is all screwed up. Growing up they used to go on and on about how "sensitive" I was and how tenderhearted.

I used to be much quicker to get to angry. It takes something pretty big to send me up there now. Also, I can't tolerate immature attitudes like I once could. I think grownups should take responsibility for their actions. Also, I wish that sometimes I didn't have to spell out every little thing I'm feeling to the people who watched me become a grown-up.

We were doing some heavy clearing out today. We were cleaning my craft room, and after a while it just became overwhelming. I kept seeing all this stuff, and realized that I was hoarding all this stuff because of what it became, my escape from the sad and depression.

I still love the creating, but there was so much in the room, it was like walking into a puddle that you suddenly slipped and fell into. It was WAY TOO MUCH STUFF.

I know some crafters would disagree, but the only way I've been able to do any creating is to bring limited supplies downstairs and make something with them.

There is a such thing as too much stuff.

Also, I have learned from the living spaces that I'm more comfortable in, that I like not being overwhelmed with belongings.

I am not my belongings.

But they are really and truly beginning to reflect me.

And that makes me happy.

I had a meltdown today.

I just needed someone to tell me that my stuff didn't matter and that it could go away and nothing bad would happen. One of my sisters finally got what I couldn't find those words to say. And after that... I don't even know what got thrown away... but they did it until I couldn't take them just tossing my things anymore. And then I had to go lay down and cry.

I wanted a hug. But couldn't ask for it. They don't know how to take me now... I'm stronger than I used to be, but not as strong as they think I am. I want them to hold me, but I don't know how to ask... and am afraid they will misinterpret what I'm asking for, that they will then pity me.

It's not that I'm proud, I just want comfort without pity, without judgement. The ability to be sad without them thinking that they can tell me where to go or what to do about it. The ability for them to be understanding and accepting of the fact that the hardest part of all this is the realization that my marriage wasn't what I thought it was. That I have been alone and hiding that fact, and trying my best to keep it from even me.

They are coming...

So my Mom and sisters are on their way. They will probably make it to the house before I get home from work which is ok, I actually am going to run around and take some photos. I'm a scrapper and I think this is important. I've done a layout in the past that helped me deal with something really hard, I think some more of that type of stuff is long overdue... and I have some ideas about things to do with all this energy. I need to remember always that vitamin B-12 can be your friend. LOL.

I'm nervous about my mom seeing the house, but I feel like it's cool and they'll help me go to the goodwill and paint LOL and help me with the curtain situation upstairs LOL.

I don't know. I'm so happy they are coming. I'm nervous about what they'll think about how I've been living. The downstairs really isn't terrible, I just don't have anywhere to move things back upstairs... that's the problem :)

I don't really live upstairs and never have. It has always been his space... his kingdom. I was allowed to bathe and sleep there.

It's hard and really awkward to explain, I mean it's supposed to be my house too.

Whatever.

I had this same problem in my first place after college.

I was used to living in half a room.

It was hard to get used to more space.

I'll get there ;)

Progress Surprise?

I didn't post yesterday... I didn't even realize it until this morning. There have been 50 straight days in a row where I have taken time to sit down and write even if I didn't have a lot weighing on me that day (I think there was one day that happened). But yesterday I didn't even think about it.

I was gone all day. I worked. This week has been a real oddity. Our work week goes from Thursday to Wednesday and I was scheduled for overtime (never happens). So I have been working a lot, I had a play last night. My awesome friend MEF bought me a ticket to the Addams Family. I LOVED IT!! I had the best time! I got to her house, changed into a lovely red dress that has been burning a hole in my closet since January. And put on some heels that were almost too high to walk in (I mean for someone who is used to wearing sneakers everyday).

I even bought myself a souvenir which is something I don't normally do. But I did, it made me really stupidly happy to do it!

So my day yesterday was great. Today I have a headache. I woke up in the middle of the night having an allergy attack at the home where I've been petsitting. I don't normally have allergy attacks, but I've had them a couple of times before. My breathing is much better now (I'm at home and medicated). I am supposed to work this afternoon, so I have a few hours to be lazy and recover :).

I Found Some Tears... And How to Make Mother Happy

I made a decision today. That I have to call my mom. And I called her. I asked her for help. I think maybe I made her very happy. I have been so very hurtful a daughter to her for not needing her. The thing is, I really wanted her to be proud of me. For standing up and being a grown up and trying my best to get things done. But I look around the house. I keep taking one step forward (wash and put away dishes) and then a step back, wash clothes and never put them up...

I already talked about the depressed looking house. I know that I'm happier when I'm not here, or when I'm getting ready to leave. I know that I can't just make myself do the things that need to be done around here and that putting it off isn't healthy. I can clean for company, but not for me.

I also need help to get to a good starting place. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but one of the hardest things in the world to me is to find places to put things. It's my biggest moving anxiety... and I could never get Allen to understand or help me out with it.

Growing up, everything in my room had a predefined place it was supposed to go. I was told where this place was and in trouble if things went to the wrong places. It was the same for everything in the house.

When I went to college, the only place for things to live were on/in my desk, the drawers under my bed, or the closet. Not too hard. After the dorm, the real struggle began, and I've never quite mastered the art of homing my belongings. I used to try and get Allen to help, but he wasn't good at it either. And he was easily frustrated when I would ask for an opinion on wether it was a better idea to put the dishes into the cabinet by the stove where we could easily make plates of food to go eat, or by the sink for ease of putting them away after the dishes were done. I didn't really understand why this was annoying, I just finally got someone else to show me where to put things in the kitchen. (Yes, it was my neighbor who has the same floorplan and already had a good workflow)

I don't even know what the worst room is right now... I have a ton of things to go to Goodwill. I need some organizational help in my craft room. I need to pare down in there as well. And my closet is a disorganized black hole right now.

I couldn't let just anyone come help before, but hopefully now I've found everything I wouldn't want anyone to see... so maybe, just maybe this weekend will go well and the three of us will be able to get a lot of work done. I really hope so. I'm hoping to have a new roommate soon. As well as my dream to get the hell out of this house.

I thought it would be ok to stay here for a while anyway. But I want to leave. I want to get out. This isn't the house in Memphis I wanted. We didn't buy the house in Mississippi I wanted, we got what he said we should get. That was fine, but I REALLY DIDN'T like this place before we bought it. I wanted a regular house. I wanted a specific house that was in excellent condition and had a yard for our dog. Well I don't even have the dog anymore... and I don't want to be in this space that used to contain my family.

I asked someone yesterday if they felt they were at home. I don't. And I haven't in a very, very long time. I tried so hard to tell myself that where my husband was... that was home. But in actuality, it wasn't. I haven't felt like I had a real home where everything was ok and safe and wonderful since I was 14 years old. I'm not blaming anyone. It's my own shortcoming that I felt out of place in some way.

I thought getting married and building a life together would fix that. I'm pretty sure that part didn't happen because we didn't have our whole life together. There were things I could never understand or be a part of and as much as I tried to make space... I was never really comfortable being left alone and left out. I wasn't comfortable when I was told what I did and did not like regardless of what I said I actually felt about it.  How could I feel at home when everything I asked if we could do to our living space was flatly refused and said it was stupid, then if I asked what he wanted, I was told things were fine as they were. We didn't have to agree on everything, but I didn't try to make everything a fight. I wanted a partner. I wanted to be a partner. I thought for so long I was, but in rethinking... I wasn't. I gave up that dream a long time ago. It seemed the best option at the time...

I keep hearing that I'm going to hurt over this for years and years. It seems to be a theme and it comes from so many people. Ok, I accept that it may hurt for many years that I married someone who killed themselves. But I won't dwell in this forever. There are a lot of days that aren't bad at all. RT dying just set me back, I'm convinced. I don't like the fact that I felt I was shutting down. I don't like the shutting down thing. I think it's unhelpful in the long run, and I know for a fact it's really hard for me to deal with.

Lots on the mind today.

Monday, Monday...

This was a pretty good Monday! I wish they all went so well :).  We changed our run day to Monday for the next few weeks and I'm excited about that. Also I'm petsitting at one of my favorite places that I can choose to spend or not spend the night at so that's exciting.

There are three awesome cats that I love to sit for. Ok, so enough about that stuff. I called my Daddy today. And I'm glad I did. some of his health issues are better, some are not but it was an upbeat call for sure! I also talked to my college friend R today. He and I haven't spoken in several weeks, but he was worried, so he called.  We had a talk, a good talk and if I hadn't been at work, there would have been a good long cry to go with it, but I was at work and so I shed a few tears and went back to sweep and mop.

I know I'm glossing over, and so I'm going to write a bit about our conversation. I told him about cleaning the "study" and finding things in there... things I didn't know about. I told him that I hated feeling so bad about myself, about wondering how I fit into everything he was into. R told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to Allen, that if it hadn't been for me, that Allen would have killed himself 10 years ago or more. I am not sure how I feel about it. As a christian I was taught that God has a plan for everyone, but that we also have free will. I'm not sure how this works... was it his plan for me to get married to a man who might have or might not have committed suicide? I hate to question faith at this point, but I almost feel like this is just natural.

Why me? Why not someone else? The answer of course is why not me, what makes me special and to admit that I also believe he would have died years sooner. That statement may make me selfish, and I may have said all this before. But it's what I'm thinking so, there. I am special. Special that I am going on with my life, that I'm blogging what's on my mind. That I have been able to seek help.

Today has been another good day :)

That is awesome!

Pretty Good Sunday

Today has been a pretty good day. I woke up feeling really sick, but I'm ok, I did get a nap today which helped a ton. I've talked to some friends who always cheer me up. I'm about to eat some fried chicken (which I crave when I'm sick, along with mashed potatoes, no chicken soup for me). I've spent most of my day with a sweet little (well big actually) yorkie who is really nice company.

I'm in a MUCH better frame of mind, still haven't cried, but I know the tears will eventually come. I'm listening to Fun.  because I know I like one song by this band, and this is the coolest site ever (thanks!) and it lets me know if I like more than one song by someone :).

There are people I'd like to talk to, like my dad and my brother, but I don't have much to say, and until I can think of something specific I'm afraid of where the conversation might go. I'm not in any kind of mood to be sad, so I'm not calling ANY family... is that sad (lol).

It has been really good to rest today. I wish I had relaxed more, but oh well, I've done my best, and I know my body needed that!

Where's the Tears?

I went to work today, it was awesomely busy like Saturdays should be. I got someone to cover the last hour for me so I could go to the funeral. I got there during the visitation hour, visited, then sad in the back pew.

The last funeral I was at, I sat in the back pew and played with my iphone to keep from spewing obscenities at the pastor. It wasn't anything he said, it was how I took each and every word that came out of his mouth. I took them badly.

I wasn't allowed to sit in the back pew today. My friend wanted me in her pew, the front pew... the one reserved for family. So I went. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. It didn't go exactly as I wanted it to go. I felt so stiff and drawn into myself. It was weird. I'd almost start to cry, then her friend who was between us would touch me, or grab my hand and all my tears would just stop. I'd get stiffer in the seat, and nothing. I haven't been able to grieve for RT like I would like, or even like I've felt I've needed to. I don't know how to get there by myself, and I don't have any idea why the tears won't come. I just feel like I'm inside an envelope that is myself. I don't know a better way to explain, and I don't know how to get out.

It's hard and weird and it makes me very, very tired.

Also I'm didn't sleep well last night, I have on the job training for my new part time job tomorrow. My regular work schedule has increased to the point where I'm not sure at all I'll be able to do anything part time... especially if I'm not sleeping well most nights, the few good nights of sleep I've had are defeated by one that is unrestful.

Also I really should have gone running today, but I chose a movie instead. I did need the laugh really, really bad.

I'll be there for you...

I mentioned that I lost a friend this week. I know I have mentioned that I have felt like the Grim Reaper is following me around before, I have had moments of that feeling recently. If I know anyone with elderly or sick parents, if I have any friends who are ill, I worry just a little extra that by virtue of knowing me... someone will die or lose someone they love. Just because they know me. 

I have been trying my best to remind myself that knowing me is not the same as trying to speedial the Grim Reaper, but you know, sometimes you just get ideas in your head that are hard to shut out. 

That being said, I talked to my friend the new widow this afternoon. She is having the funeral service tomorrow at a time I would normally have been at work, but I asked someone to cover the last hour we're open tomorrow so I can go to the service, and he said yes. So I let her know I would be there. She was so very happy. She said when she found out that the clinic was open she felt so bad, she thought she was making arrangements at a time that would be easy for anyone who might want to go. I told her that she wasn't supposed to try and work around my schedule, but that I understood exactly what she was saying (because I do). Then she said the most awesome thing after I told her I'd be there. She told me she needed me there to lean on. I told her she only had to tell me what she needed or wanted and I'd do it.

I'm so glad she knows she can lean on me. And I'm also very glad to have people at work who are so quick to say yes when they know what's up... it's important.

Today was actually a really good day.

Just as I Suspected...

I mentioned that I mailed off the hard drive to my favorite person. Who went through it tonight (well sent me directories to look through). It was just as I suspected, lots of stuff backed up here, some stuff I don't have a clue about, and then other stuff.

I lost a a friend yesterday. I lost him in the sense that he died, in the hospital. I'm friends with his wife as well. I have petsit for them anytime they needed the last couple of years. I love their little dog to pieces. He is short, can be loud but not usually without reason, and he's diabetic. He's perfectly housetrained and likes to sleep with me. he's really good company.

I'm keeping him for a few days right now. I'm glad. I know he doesn't get to stay long, but I'm hoping he helps me a bit. You see I thought all morning that when I got the chance to stop I'd cry. I kept feeling the tears back there. But when I got the chance, they wouldn't come.

I know I need to let this out, but I've been shutting down emotionally. I wanted to call in to work this afternoon, except they were letting me do the job that I want them to give me and, they needed me so I needed to suck it up... but I did try to let it out. It's what I want to do... I know I need to. It's weird. I feel all Shawshank Redemption about the stupid tears. You know when Morgan Freeman's character talks about having lived "inside" for so long he can't "make water" without permission. I need a shoulder, some arms... someone to tell me it's ok and they won't leave.

I just want to be able to relax in my feelings and let them out.

I'm trying to do it on my own, I don't understand why it's so hard right now...

More Stuff Stuff

I'm feeling much better and more myself today. I had dinner last night with a new friend (NOT a love interest, JUST a new friend... she and I had a fab time and it was  SUPER good timing). I've got some stuff weighing on my mind, and when I say stuff, it's literally what I mean.

For a while, the downstairs was immaculate. Especially the redecorated areas, I could be at peace here, I was sleeping upstairs and the bed was kept neat and made up, while the rest of the room looks like a closet vomited and there's just random piles of stuff. I mentioned that my downstairs had gotten messy... and I don't think I told you it's because I was depressed. I hate saying that. I hate the power I feel like I give to that terrible thing when I say it out loud. I haven't said it out loud, but typing it really feels the same to me.

It's not because of the going through the stuff, or not just. It's because I don't really know what to do with so much of it. There were things I didn't want to get rid of at first, that I really, honestly and truly want to toss now. I can't think of any good and healthy reason to keep them, other than my friends and family telling me I don't have to throw everything away. I think, that for the purposes of moving forward, I will be letting stuff go I wouldn't have considered a few months ago. It doesn't really scare me, I just worry (and this is where I feel stupid) that people are going to think I'm a terrible person because I didn't hang on to every little thing that was special to me at one time. Like that "our first christmas" ornament.

That "our" is no more. It was in the past, in my past, but won't actually be part of any future I can share with someone else. It feels like I have just hung on to many constant reminders that are both good and bad (I'm sure I mentioned that Christmas was bad... right?).

I know it's depression because I know what a depressed house looks like. I've known that it was lurking because I could never get it together to fix the upstairs. I knew one day it would creep down here and that is when I would know it's time to deal with it. Trust me, I have a plan. It's not terrible, and I'm not suicidal. I have started many times picking up, getting it almost perfect then slacking off and letting it pile up again. I'm getting there... and most of the time things are pretty good. Lots of times, things are VERY good actually, but it's still hanging around. It keeps me from sleeping well... which makes me tired and feel like not doing anything.

Good news! The last couple of nights I've slept MUCH better. I feel more motivated. I've found someone who can maybe get me back in touch with my spiritual side that I didn't realize I have totally shut down. It's weird. The days right after his death, I know I was being carried by God. It's the only explanation I could possibly have for how I kept on going. I didn't realize I had issues with that until recently. I realized I haven't been praying, I haven't been at all feeding my spiritual self. I've never been the best Christian, but even in the worst of times here, I turned to prayer to help me sort it all out. I know why I haven't been there, but I don't know how to get back. We all need some help sometimes. And as corny as it sounds "Knowing is half the battle."

I'll keep you posted :)