Not so Hard to Handle

I texted my neighbor to ask for help today. I haven't initiated contact with him since our falling out. He has asked me to let out his dog, and to please come look when it's face was swollen. I did the things he asked of me, but I've been very careful not to ask for anything in return.

My AC hasn't been working. I knew he could fix it, if he only would, and I knew I could negotiate a fair price with him. One we could both live with. I had a meeting with a new petsitting client after work and so I got home really late this evening.

I had texted to ask if he could work on my air this week, then I texted and told him how much it was worth to me (in dollars).

When I got home from meeting with my new client, there was a note in the door that my air was repaired. He accepted the amount I told him I could pay. No haggling... and that was it. When I took him his money, we visited a bit. It was ok. Not weird, he wasn't trying to get me to agree to do anything back for him, and wasn't prying into what I have going on.

It was really nice. And it felt like I was establishing myself in a new place. I feel like maybe, just maybe he knows I'm no longer a doormat.

I know it's a weird thing for a grown person to say... but really I'm not a doormat.

I used to let myself get treated like one.

It's nice to have the confidence not to do that anymore.

:)

Between you and me, it was a really scary thing to do. But I did it!

Relationship Dynamics

I have enjoyed close relationships with male friends for many years. Before and during college, my best friends were all male. There were just too few females that I trusted to get close to.

I have recently come to the understanding that because I am now single, at least some of my married male friends I need to start holding at a distance, because now, I am a single woman, which can be viewed as a threat.

I hate this.

But I can't blame them, it's scary. It's especially scary since I share so much history with some of them. I'd probably be scared of me too.

Something else new...

Thinking Time

For many years Allen complained that I wasn't introspective enough. My argument was that he was introspective enough for the both of us, and that I already knew myself. :)
I did know myself and my place as his wife. I am learning about myself all the time now. It's good to learn things.

Sometimes my thoughts for these blog posts come quick and easy. They used to just seem to be waiting for me to sit and collect them together and type them up. Sometimes now, they are hard and that's why I haven't been as diligent. A month ago I think it would have felt impossible that I might not have some thoughts I needed to write through. Now it seems normal enough, and that is a good thing. It's good to grow, and learn. It's good to let go of fear and pain. It's good to allow change to happen in your life (in mine).

I do like the woman I am. I am happy to report that. There are still so many things I want to see and do with my life, and I feel that I can make these things happen. I am not sure how, but I'm excited to find out.

It's Coming...

Only 24 more days until my birthday. I'm not a child so it's not like there's going to be a big party or anything... it's not even a "big" birthday (no fives or zeros at the end). This is going to be a strange year because this year it's really, really not a big deal.

Over the course of my marriage I learned that Allen hated, HATED birthdays and anything to do with reminding him it might at all be considered a special day. I agreed to stop making any sort of deal about his, as long as he agreed that mine could be special. And it always was... in some way.

Some years it was just the fact that he made a point to wake up in time to spend time with me before he went to work. (longer than the hour I'd sit with him on the couch in silence while he drank a pot of coffee to wake up) He made last year really special by buying me a really sweet gift that I did take out of the box piece by piece and look over and fondle right when he gave it to me (it was a Theresa Collins Stamp Maker). Other than that, it has been sitting in it's box, just like when I got it. I just haven't been able to make myself use it.

I know we went out for my birthday, but I can't for the life of me remember where. I know after we got home, I got my present, then he asked if I'd be mad if he went to sleep. I told him it was fine, of course. I never tried to stop him from sleeping, even when I wanted to beg him to stay awake and just hold me. It wouldn't have mattered. He didn't sleep half the time, he just laid there awake and not sleeping, I'd sit on this couch wishing I didn't have to be so very quiet.

This year I'll be at work, I'll be working the whole holiday weekend (my birthday always falls near Memorial Day). I'm glad I'll be working, I feel guilty when I don't miss him sometimes. I feel like it should still hurt more... but I know he wouldn't want me to hurt, he'd want me to be over it.

People keep asking what I want for my birthday.

I don't know what to tell them.

There's a million little things I'd like, and some big things as well, but none of them seem very birthday-y.

I got to go see the Addams Family Musical... that was awesome. I got a marvelous BBQ lunch from Romie's in Tupelo today... that was DELICIOUS (and being from the south, that's not something I pass out lightly to BBQ).

I know it will be ok, but the other thing is that the day before my birthday will be the 6 month anniversary from the day he died. For some reason I feel this is significant.

I don't know why about that either.

I guess I'll find out :)

Wanted to Share

Because these things are never shared... and I'm not sure what it means. I know it's a song. (I have typed it exactly as written in the notebook...)

Gemini Complex
she is an agent of cause
Effect does not give her pause
Turn it Out
Turn it Out

Free Spirit chained to the floor
Mercy shackles her more
Open Heart
Open Heart

Bruise the skin she had shoved
Past the life she once loved
Waiting For
Waiting For

Something better than Bliss
Clenching shadows in her fist

Turn your Safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Living the Life Bohemian
Turn it up. Turn it off
Give her a life worth saving
Turn it up Turn it off
She was a turnstyle reject
Turn it up Turn it off
Living a life of regrets
Turn it up Turn it off
It was the life she didn't neglect
Turn it up Turn it off
She thought the world was hopelessly perfect
Turn it up. Turn it off
She doesn't need your Charity
Turn it up. Turn it off
She lives a life of apathy and stitches
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off
Turn your safety word off
Turn it up. Turn it off

Highs and Lows

I look over my old posts occasionally. I don't usually read a lot of them, I just look over the titles, tut tut myself for having such wild mood swings and then remember that those swings, they are why I started this blog.

I'm smiling right now.

There have been a few times recently when I haven't posted. The first one was a total surprise. The second one was where I was feeling so good, I didn't want to come here, to spend time where I might not be happy for even a moment. I wasn't afraid, I just was so enjoying my moment :).

And it's ok.

I called a close friend yesterday. I know there are some friends who wanted to know when I found any music that Allen used to write. I have a little on a couple of jump drives. I have some that is on some memory cards as well. I have decided that I'm giving it to them. There's nothing at all I can do with it, except listen. All this music is stuff that has not been shared with me, and I am not really interested.

That may sound cold, but I don't think so. There are things that weren't shared with me for reasons known only to Allen. I'll never know. And every day that goes by I'm more and more ok with it. The secrets are beginning to sting less.

Even if I take them badly, it's not personal. They weren't secrets because they had to do with me, they were secrets because they DIDN'T.

And...

he didn't want to hurt me.

I appreciate that he did not intend to hurt me.

I need to not hurt myself.

Minimalism

I recently went into the most wonderful place. A condo that I can report was decorated very minimalisticly. Ok, so that's probably not a real word, but let me tell you... it was so REFRESHING!!! I am not down to that level of getting rid of things yet...
I'm not sure I'll ever be there. But I was so happy to see that there was an adult in the South that can achieve that look and it not feel cold. The condo was warm and inviting. I can't wait to spend some time there :).

On that note, I have mentioned getting rid of things quite a bit here... I know some people might be wondering how I could possibly still have stuff. And some of you may be in a panic. Please note that I am not haphazardly tossing things, and if I doubt that I might regret letting it go, I'm holding on to it a while longer.

Sometimes after a few weeks or months it doesn't seem like such a bad thing to let it go.

I am getting a feel more for things I really like around the house... and I'm hoping one day soon to stop ordering things at fast food places that I don't actually eat (I hate Arby's sauce, but it's in my requested condiments auto string there so I say it everytime). I need to just stop going to fast food. There is nothing wrong with eating here. As it's summertime (practically) I can live on cereal and salad until the cool weather comes back LOL.

I feel like I've been making some big steps lately. It feels like things are moving along as they should be :)