My Current Normal

I have a wonderful job with great coworkers. I've established some local friendships and have some long distance ones that I hope I always have. Occasionally I have a horrible nightmare, or read a passage in a book that goes through what I personally find an overly graphic description of what it is like to hang followed by what the person looked like when they took him down and the fact that he wasn't dead and thanks to Jamie and Claire he will be ok but not Allen because I didn't even look at him there and how could I not have known he was tearing down the ceiling to get to the beams I mean the water leak had been fixed so why did the ceiling keep coming down...
But this is not healthy or constructive thinking. Then my thoughts turn to my in-laws and how I wish we had a relationship before things were over because I worry about Nana and hate to call and bother them beause wow, how awkward is it that someone you weren't crazy about before calls and destroys any peace that you had found either dealing with or not dealing with your own personal loss.

OH yeah and the BEST (with heavy sarcasm) was the other day at work when I was giving a new friend my phone number and she asked me my last name. I gave her my maiden name then told her my married name but begged her not to use it... because I'm a freak and didn't want to be associated with it right them for some reason I'll never understand.

But I think all of this is normal. And I'm ok.

:)

Six Months...

It's been almost exactly six months since my last post. I feel like I'm fairly settled in here in my new city. I love where I live, I'm close to everything, walking distance to everything I need and most of what I would want. I have a job only five miles from home, that I love. I feel like this job was meant for me to find. I learn something new every day and the environment is so encouraging and supportive, I couldn't have imagined finding a job in my field that I would love so very much.

I have the occasional panic. Sudden uncertainty, sometimes I am suddenly unsure of my decision making process. I think often of how Allen would judge the decisions I have made, or how he would react when I decide to do something or go somewhere. I feel him cringe sometimes when I vocalize things he used to do or say because it's ingrained in my mind that "it's a secret", "we don't tell people what kinds of things happen between the two of us". I feel like sometimes my feelings are exaggerated when I talk about him but I forgive myself for that because they are feelings, and sometimes they are stronger than others. Also, they were shoved down for so long, I'm surprised sometimes that there haven't been more harsh ones to deal with.

I would do it all again, I think I've said that before. Not because I want to, but because I do so love who I am right now, even with the occasional uncertainty.

Yesterday I felt weirdly emotional all day. It's not that time of the month but the roller coaster that was my emotional state sure felt like it. I'm not a hundred percent what was up, I watched one of my fav shows and there was a shocking death of a character so the show turned into one of those "how short life really is" things. I sobbed like my best friend had died and felt like I couldn't cope for a bit.

I also had a bit of a time this weekend where I felt there was some music I just didn't want to hear, like it would bring up too many bad feelings. I remembered hearing these songs over and over and drowning in the sad that permeated the house and I just couldn't deal with it. The last time I remember asking NOT to hear a song, was at work. It was right after I started and "Wish You Were Here" started playing and I asked if we could please change the station. The song has played many times since, and it's been fine. I'm not sure why it was so strong this weekend.

It does get better, the feeling of being so closely tied to something terrible that happened, and there are times I want to feel like I'll never think about it again... but I don't really believe that will happen. I dunno. I feel like if I'm bringing him up over and over that it's on my mind for some reason. Maybe it's because Mother's Day is coming, is almost here. I always used to think about him and his mother and their problems, hell they were OUR problems. You can't really be in a relationship and have problems that are just your own. Your mood affects your partner's mood. You can't help it.

I'll be giving this some more thought as I'm pretty sure that's the only way to get over it.

Hugs

I'm going...

I am moving out of this house on Sunday. The house where "things happened." I feel like this is the final step so I can have complete and total control over myself. I'm moving far, far away. There is a sadness. I have some wonderful friends that I am going to miss. I have a friend here that I talk to on a daily basis right now. I plan to continue checking in with her. I have another friend I check in with on a daily basis. I plan to keep that up as well. These two people live in different states, but I know they both care about me and have done more than a friendship requires in my life. I love them both dearly for it, and they would give me anything they have to offer as I would them. It's not everyday that you make friends like that.

Every night this week is taken by someone else as a goodbye dinner type thing. It's happy and sad. I'm doing my best to keep everyone upbeat because that's what I want. My mother certainly doesn't support my decision to live my own life, and my friends are giving me that support, well my friends and my Daddy and my siblings.

I had a friend comment recently on the fact that "I'm the glue." And it's true, and sometimes the glue that holds all the family relationships together feels like a terrible burden. So I'm kind of forgiving myself of that duty. I don't love anyone less, but for the first time in my life, I love ME more. I am worth more than days of headaches and heartaches trying to make everyone else happy. I am just as important as anyone else, and it is PAST time for me to realize that.

That being said, I am so thankful to have taken this year to be so reflective and to listen to me for once. To follow my inner voice that never tries to mislead me. She always wants me to do the right thing for me, even when I fight her on it.

:)

Adventure is coming!

In 1989 I read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy for the first time. I started with what I consider the first book... The Hobbit (yes, I realize that makes my trilogy have four books). I then read the books in order, always starting with The Hobbit over and over again, a minimum of once per year, but sometimes twice every year until 2001. I've read them at least once since then, but since the movies came out... I dunno, it's different.
I enjoy reading books more than once if I really really like them.  Some people have told me it's weird or boring, but those same people watch their favorite movies more than once so, I don't really see the difference. I mention the books because if life is like a story, I feel I'm starting a brand new volume. Not just a new chapter.

The days are counting down to what will be my farthest move so far from the place where I was brought up. I am terribly excited. A lot is going on. The one year anniversary of Allen's (God rest his soul) passing is coming up. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I won't be at the house for it. That much I know. Tomorrow is the anniversary of our visit to the haunted corn maze. We went last year with a group of people I work with. It was a blast! We had a ton of fun. I have a smiling photo of Allen from that night. It was less than a month later that he was gone. I'm going with some of the same people this year. Next Saturday. My godchildren and their parents are coming along.

I feel a bit weird sometimes about going, but I want to do it. I feel like I need to.

I don't have any Halloween stuff out at my house, but I've been petsitting so much, I've barely been home. Also, I've started clearing out for moving. It does seem a bit odd. I do enjoy Halloween, but I have no plans for it this year. Nothing to do. I have a strange desire to buy a terribly slutty costume, but Ang says it's just because I wasn't allowed to before. And that is probably true.

Busy week :)

I'm smiling because it's almost too much. Almost but my brain hasn't really reacted in the way I've expected... yet. The one year anniversay approaches. I know I'm dreading it, I mean who wouldn't. I know that I should plan some "grieving" time but I'm not ready to think about that today (Thanks Scarlett O'Hara).

Last Monday I found out my father had leukemia. By the time Friday rolled around, he was really sick. I left on Sunday to go visit him in the hospital and wound up staying until Tuesday evening. When I got there Sunday he looked ok. Had a bit of patechia on his back and upper arms. By Monday evening it had spread all over his chest and Tuesday morning it spread up his neck to his face, and his liver and kidneys weren't doing well so his skin and eyes had a yellow cast. I know he is not a dog, but in the animal hospital, if a pet had everything going on that Daddy did, we'd be hoping the owner would put the pet out of it's misery.

I don't want my dad to suffer. And I stayed with him in the hospital room on Monday night. I've not spent the night with a patient before. The hospital people come in every couple of hours to take vitals and blood and make sure you are ok. Daddy rested really well, and I only had to help him with bathroom things once (other than hand him the urine bottle thing they measure his output with).

The one time I had to help him he kept saying that for all the time he changed my diaper and wiped my bottom, he never EVER thought I'd have to help him out like that. I'm not sure who it was odder for. I really didn't mind, it's one of those things, that I had never thought about doing... but you just do it.

I keep thinking I'm ok. I know in the great scheme of things I will be ok. I don't know where this holding on to stuff came from. I didn't grow up holding things in. I was always the "sensitive" one. I cried at the drop of a hat. I let it all out as soon as it came in.

I feel the tears building up. they won't come out. I keep thinking if Allen was still alive, I'm not sure which Allen would be with me. Sometimes if he was wrapped up in himself, he would get angry when I got upset about sick people in other states. I don't know if he'd still be that way. I had a couple of family deaths not too long after we'd been married. My grandfather died the day we got back from our honeymoon. It was my Daddy's Dad. Allen wouldn't ask off work for the funeral because he'd just been off for a week.

I can't even remember if he went to the funeral home with me.

The next death that was close to me was my Big Mama. She was sick for months. I don't remember how many, it was probably just two, but it felt like forever. She died a few years after my Dad's dad. She was diabetic, and had a blood clotting disease. She had her legs removed and never left the hospital. She died exactly the way she told me she would for years and years. She told me she'd have to have her legs removed and then she would die. She skipped the part about holding on for many, weeks and us getting to watch her slowly die. But in a nutshell it was just the way she said it would be.

The fact that I drove over to Alabama (we lived in MS at the time) everytime the doctors said they didn't think she'd live until the morning almost caused us to get a divorce. He had never lost anyone close to him like that before. He didn't like me leaving him alone so much. I never regretted going.

He did attend the viewing for an hour or so and then came to the funeral. He stayed with his parents and I stayed with my Big Mama's body all night with my mom and siblings. It was what she had asked us to do.

I don't know what my Dad wants. I don't know that he really cares about anything in particular. I don't want him to suffer, but it's kind of scary to think that soon he's not going to be just a phone call away. He isn't really now, I don't think he could hear me well enough if I did call to tell him something.

I feel a flood of emotions building up, but I have no idea how to get them to come out. I have some theories, and will practice them at some point. I've never been this person who kept things inside... it's kind of weird.

It had to happen...

There were a few things about my late husband (God rest his soul) that I could always count on.

1. Every situation would be picked apart and analyzed until there was nothing left.
2. NOTHING gets written in one go... there are always drafts.
3. a whole bunch of other stuff

Today I found a letter he wrote to his cousin. It was short and sweet and I got her address so I can mail it to her.

I found rough drafts of the suicide note. There were two. He even practiced making the sign he put on the kitchen door telling me to go get my neighbor. I'm confused at why it kind of upset me to see it. I guess it made me wonder how long he'd been planning, I don't know. It was just weird. It's days like these that make me wish it would all just disappear. I'd give up everything there just to not have to see any of it again. I feel like some people might think I'm a bad person for not wanting to read every scrap of paper. But I just want to make sure I'm not throwing away anything important. I just want to have it all over with, but not do it myself. That's the impossible part.

It could be worse.

It could be a lot worse, I could have been more than just bothered by it. I didn't freak out or anything. It was just weird.

:)

What has brought me here

I have a lot of petsitting to do for the next six weeks. One of the jobs is for the place I sat in May. All of May. And being in that particular condo again, well I'm so glad I get to stay there again before I'm finished with Memphis. That place, the lovely water and the space there to think. The company of the cats who really didn't want much attention. It's such a zen place and I'm glad I'll be there again.

The petsitting is awesome because it allows me to still go to my regular job but have a break from the house. the house which has become kind of like a living presence. It's weird. I feel more at home at most of the places I sit. It's like this house doesn't want me here, and I am HONESTLY not sure if it's all in my head, or if it's a real feeling. Friends have told me that it's a real feeling. And they've given me their opinions on what they think it is.

Is it a presence trying to change me back to the way I was?
Is it a presence trying to hasten my departure?
Is it bad energy that has been absorbed by the walls and is now leaking out and I'm just sensitive to it?
Is it the fear of the unknown?

I'm not sure. I did a little ritual before bed last night. I lit a sage bundle and smoked up the entire bedroom. I said a prayer. I addressed the house and my Allen (God rest his soul). I'm not sure it worked. I may have slept better, but I'm waking up so tired it's hard to tell. I only have a few more days to sleep here, then I have a couple of weeks where I will be paid to sleep elsewhere.  I'm getting enough to function, just not the good deep restful stuff that would make it easy to wake up :)

Maybe it is fear of the unknown, but I wouldn't think that would be affecting me now. It seems way to early for that. I dunno.

I want to sage cleanse the whole house. And yes, I will be including the garage.

And yes, I have thought of the fact that it could be the time of year. I haven't done any of the things I normally would have done at this time of year except go to the fair. There are no Halloween decorations out. No pumpkins or Jack O Lanterns. I have one pumpkin candy holder that I painted earlier this year. I'm not keeping any of the other things. Not even the wreath I made that was still on the door when he died. (My mom made me take it down, she said it was morbid). The stuff we had was OURS, and I only want to move forward with stuff I can see as MINE.

The WE/OUR that I was a part of is over. Forward is the direction I am going.